I once believed that being a 'nice guy' was the ticket to a fulfilled life, until my relationships mirrored a chameleon's life—ever-changing and never truly real. That's when I realized the need for authenticity in our lives, especially in how we form connections with others.
In our latest episode we dissect attachment theory and how it affects relationships. We navigate the stormy seas of 'island,' 'wave,' and 'anchor' attachment styles, shedding light on how these patterns, established in our earliest years, play out in adulthood.
Ever played the role of a people-pleaser, only to find that your true self was left behind?
We've all been there.
Tune in and give it a listen.
===> Join the weekly newsletter and get your free copy of 5 Steps to Becoming a High Value Man
I once believed that being a 'nice guy' was the ticket to a fulfilled life, until my relationships mirrored a chameleon's life—ever-changing and never truly real. That's when I realized the need for authenticity in our lives, especially in how we form connections with others.
In our latest episode we dissect attachment theory and how it affects relationships. We navigate the stormy seas of 'island,' 'wave,' and 'anchor' attachment styles, shedding light on how these patterns, established in our earliest years, play out in adulthood.
Ever played the role of a people-pleaser, only to find that your true self was left behind?
We've all been there.
Tune in and give it a listen.
===> Join the weekly newsletter and get your free copy of 5 Steps to Becoming a High Value Man
this is the high value man conversation podcast, a show dedicated to the mission of building high value men, men that are courageous, committed and uncompromising in the pursuit of greatness. You run the day.
Speaker 2:Stop having a run you one day she's a big thing. I thought he's going to, not. Yeah, that's when the next step, you know, you know, you know, keep going when I'm going to win this far away from these dreams, as you think you are one great man means a great family, a great neighborhood, a better city, community state and the world.
Speaker 1:The question is, if not you, then who? Welcome back to the high value man conversation. This episode is one you're going to want to pay attention to. If you are in a relationship, you want to be in a relationship, you're not in a relationship, or you have relationships in your life, because we're talking about the number one lie that most people are actually participating and they don't even know it, hmm. So if you're breathing, pay attention to we're talking about attachment and authenticity. So, attachment theory we're going to break down what attachment theory is, why it's important, how every single human, since the day you were born, has a need for attachment healthy attachment and the unhealthy ways that we've attached to relationships. And then authenticity is the authenticity probably easiest way of looking at that is are you being your true self?
Speaker 2:Yeah. So if you want to know why you show up the way that you show up, what impacts the way that you show up who you are as individual, how you think, how you process, how you put things to action or choose not to put things to action, they all come down to these two. Literally, one of my favorite conversations that will probably ever have is this one with authenticity attachment. So hold on, grab your notepads and let's go. Let's go.
Speaker 1:The person we're going to touch on is attachment theory. Now I would encourage you to, first and foremost, check this book out because we're going to reference. It is a phenomenal tool. It's called wired for love you can do the Google who it's by but it basically breaks down attachment theory. It's a really, really three easy metaphors we're going to talk about, but attachment theory is based on a psychological study that was done I don't make 100 years ago roughly something like that, sometime in the past, sometime in the past. Do your Google on this and it breaks down a connection between an infant's caregiver and the connection to the relationship dynamics later in life, and so it breaks down into three there's actually four done a little bit later, but there's three that we're going to talk about and how people attach in relationship goes all the back to your childhood and also shows up in your romantic relationship of three ways that you create healthy or unhealthy attachment and how it interplays with your partner.
Speaker 2:That's for sure. And what I love about attachment, this is for all of us. What is attachment? Our attachment is a need. It's not a want, guys. It's a need to connect. I need to be a part of something, I need to love and I need to be loved, and so what attachment is is it's the core foundation of who we are, what our needs are level level one.
Speaker 2:Unfortunately, or maybe fortunately for you, that life doesn't happen on an island or in a vacuum. We live in a world where we interact with people, were in relationship with people, and we are by design, we're designed by God to do life with others. Yeah, we talk often on here about not being a lone wolf, and so many of us have lived in seasons where we've been alone wolf and that does not work. That is not a model to follow a lone wolf, and when you, when you, find them in nature, it's because they've been sent to die. So if you end up being a lone wolf, well, your time, your time is dwindling, but if you know that you're made to be in relationship, attachment is the biggest part of that love that I want to go deep with that today love it and I love that.
Speaker 1:You said island, josh. No man is an island, because that's actually one of the attachment styles, and so the book that will reference wired for love island, as they describe, is an avoidant attachment style, and so in intimacy, when conflict happens or closeness happens, the island personality type inside the attachment theory model is avoidant, that they tend to want to just distance themselves. And so I think about if you've ever been in a relationship dynamic, maybe you or your partner. As closeness happens, as conflict happens, as intimacy starts to happen, there's this feeling inside like, oh man, I don't know what's going on, but I just want to get away from this person. And it's not even them, it's, it's what internally happening. This is triggered from the state of how you're brought up, and so we think about attachment theory goes back to infancy how your caregiver gave you met your needs, or didn't? This avoidant or island metaphors we're going to lean into is one of the attachment theories, yeah, it's really great.
Speaker 2:So what is attachment and how do we meet our attachment? I'm going to jump in the notes on this because I don't want to. I don't want to get down the rabbit hole. But attachment, how do we meet it? So attachment is met through contact. So contact is both physical and verbal. It's also met through connection. Connection is our emotional and spiritual connection. So we have contact with connection and we also have love. So we experience love through protection, patients, tenderness, good kindness, healthy leadership and service. So through contact, connection and love. That is how we manifest connection with another individual, whether that's a spouse, a guardian, our children, the market, the marketplace or friendships in general. Of just how do we get to that portion of what is attachment? I?
Speaker 1:love that. So what I also hear as you explain what attachment is if those ways are not met, that creates a deficit, and so I think about growing up when we're going to lean on this island metaphor for just a second. If you were in a relationship dynamic with your caregiver and they are not meeting your needs and the ways that Josh described through contact, love, verbal connection it will create this feeling of oh man, I feel like I'm on an island, I have to meet my own needs, which then shows up in your later relationship dynamics for sure, and I love that, so that the childhood, because we've all been a child.
Speaker 2:If you're ever a kid, raise your hand. Yeah, all of us were, and so we all have some sort of context which we were raised, whether that was a parent, a guardian, and someone raised you as an infant. You, we don't have what it takes to just go out in the world and live. We were, we were cared for by some friends, and so, if you think about the context of a child, or if you have children, how important it is, the environment with which we were raised in. That's where our attachment was actually built.
Speaker 2:The templates that we model our relationships now as adults all go back to the first five. They science even says up to seven years, but the first five years of our life is the most pivotal in the developments of our brain. So how relationship was exposed, how we were in attachment, or how we were connected to our caregivers and our parents, yes, is now how we model and mirror how we do relationship, and romantically, yeah, with our own children, in the marketplace, with friendships, and all goes back to their not all of us can raise our hands and we I had the ideal, I had the greatest parents. They love me, they were patient with me, they were carrying with me, they connected with me.
Speaker 2:Most of us are have have a memories of when something would happen. Something did happen and we had to choose whether we were going to stay alive, really. So the task is is how we're going to stay alive, men, that relationship with that caregiver, or basically die. So for a child who's one to five years old, they know they need to live. Unconsciously, they know what it takes to continue to live. They've got to mend that relationship because they don't have you, then they don't live, they need to be fed, they need to be cared for and need a roof over their head, and so really understanding that really all goes back to our youth.
Speaker 1:Everything goes back to the youth, your framework for interacting and relationship, conflict resolution, connection, closeness all of that is based on a template that was given to us and interacted with us as children. So I touched on this briefly. But the first one is the island we're going to talk about. The second one is an anxious attachment theory and that's just kind of like a wave, you imagine. A wave is up and down and in and out, constantly in flux. There's movement, there's uncertainty, it's ungrounded. So the wave is an avoidant I'm sorry, not avoidant anxious attachment style that is typically predicted, based on how you were brought up. And then the third one is the healthy or anchor attachment. This is the secure attachment. It means if your caregiver left or re-entered the interaction or you're in a relationship, conflict arises, you don't feel like the relationship is going to be on the rocks or is going to end. You have a very healthy, anchored attachment to your partnership, to yourself and to the dynamic as a whole.
Speaker 2:Yeah, that's really great you can see this in children too. So children at playgrounds, if they ever so, you have the child that really sticks close to the parent, really won't you know? They might even come hide behind your leg. Maybe they're real shy, they don't really want to, not really comfortable being around other kids playing. That's one of the attachment theories. It could either be the island or the wave, potentially. But if you ever see the kid that could just take off and play and just they know mom or dad is sitting over there on the bench, that they're safe. They'll venture off 30, 40, 50, 100 feet and go play. That's a very clear picture of what a secure attachment looks like, because they know, regardless of what happens, mom's here, yes, dad's caregiver is there, the caregiver is there, and so there's this safety in who they are. That's a very great, easy picture of seeing what secure attachment can look like.
Speaker 1:Yeah, and then you've seen the opposite, where there's a young kid. I've got a client and he has been doing an amazing job with his much more introverted kid and bringing him into jujitsu. Beginning he didn't want to step foot inside of the studio as a whole, he just didn't want to go inside the studio. He was too overwhelming, didn't want to go on the mat and then after the mat he didn't want to actually interact and engage with the kids. But the way that you overcome that as a parent, as you're raising up these young little gangsters, is you've got to be able to recognize that there are these different attachment styles that they're going to show up, based on behavior. So the behavior predicts how the relationship is going to deepen or create conflict in the future.
Speaker 2:No, for sure it plays out in all of our lives. We can all think back to moments that attachment showed up for us, whether positively or negatively.
Speaker 1:Yeah, and if you recognize this about yourself. It's why it's so important for a you as a man, a high value man, to recognize what attachment theory is. High level is. We all have one. We fit into one of these three, four, if you really want to dive deep into the work, but you fit into one of these three or four, and so that's you're going to be your contribution, but also it's going to be your trigger. I hate that word trigger, but it's going to be how you show up in a relationship and whether or not your partner triggers this, this subconscious response based on whatever's going on in the environment. So, for example, put myself out there.
Speaker 1:I've been both avoidant the island and anxious, the wave inside of multiple relationships in the past. And so, as my partner, as we get close and there's intimacy happening, I'm loving and falling in love. This feeling that you get that feeling, that just ecstasy and excitement. There's also the fear that, oh man, what if she leaves? What if the relationship doesn't work out? What if I have to start over? And so the fear, the anxiety that my partner might leave or that I might not be able to make it work, that's anxiety based attachment, the wave, it's the in and out, back and forth, unstable.
Speaker 1:That comes from my upbringing. That comes from my upbringing. I was raised by a single mom. She was you guys for didn't have a strong, healthy, grounded, secure attachment for male role model. My mom has a very wide range of emotions very passionate woman, very passionate woman, and so a lot of fear, though because she had to figure it out on her own. She constantly had to solve the problems on her own and raise a son, which I can't even imagine. The dynamic that must have been for her. And so what that created in regards to the emotional security in the household was that my mom was up and down in an out wave. I mirrored and modeled that, or in relation to my mom. I avoided her emotions so that I could deal with my own, and so I couldn't even connect for many years with my mom's emotions because they were just so foreign. I was like I need to self protect, I'm going to go on an island, I'm going to disconnect, I'm going to shut down, I'm going to deal with Aaron, because that's how I stay safe and secure.
Speaker 2:Yeah, that's a great way of saying it. It's great we have put in it. And so what that does for us as adults now is we have two different ways we can show up in a moment, and that's either we can respond in the moment or we can react in a moment. I know we've talked in great depths about this. So if you're caught up as an island or as a wave or as what's the third one the anchor the anchor is secure. So if you're an anchor, then you actually are secure in your attachment. You know who you are, you know your safe places. Then you can respond.
Speaker 2:You have a lot more logic involved in your thought process. You can respond to circumstances. If you live in life as an island or as a wave, then you're going to find yourself a lot more reactive to scenarios. You're going to do a lot more firefighting. You may even do a lot more retreating because you're not secure in those relationships. We can find that showing up in our marriages and our relationships, our romantic relationships, even how we parent. It shows up that way and, of course, also in the marketplace. We've been last few years as a nation, but even as a world. It's been unprecedented times that we've been through. You can find yourself in the financial world of even showing up that way of I'm very reactive versus I know what works, I know how to invest, I know how to save my money, I know how to do XYZ. I'm responding to scenarios because I have confidence in how it's going to work out. So it shows up in every area of our life.
Speaker 1:And this is very fluid too. So if you are categorized right now as maybe an island, anxious avoidance, wherever you are, this is very fluid. Once you bring awareness to it, you recognize, oh, I've got this stuff, this ish that I get to work on. Then your goal is to move towards secure attachment, because inside of a relationship dynamic, there needs to be at least a healthy relationship. There needs to be at least one secure attachment so the other person can work through, evolve and heal through their unhealthy attachment.
Speaker 1:Because if you think about attachment theory, it only shows up in relationship and so you might be completely fine by yourself, like man, I got my stuff all figured out, I deal with my mom and dad stuff. But once you get into the intimacy and the closeness, the relationship starts to happen and there's actually love on the line. That's when all of those childhood traumas start to get re-triggered, and this is where it's going to be so important for you to understand the why of your attachment style. What is fueling your decisions, your habits, your behaviors, your reactions, so you can respond in a loving way. Yeah, that's true.
Speaker 2:So if you go back and listen to episode three if you haven't heard it already. You can see a picture of how. Now I am secure. I'm an anchor as far as my style goes. But I didn't start that way, aaron, 10 years ago when I married my brilliant doctor. She is an anchor. She had a very secure household that she grew up in. That is not what I brought to our relationship. I was anxious and how I showed up, and it took years of doing relationship and really hammering on each other before I came around to understanding that attachment style and allowing myself to evolve into the authentic version of who I am, which we're going to touch on in a little bit. But once I got ahold of my authentic self, my attachments became healthy and so my wife and I were two secure or anchored individuals, and you can go back to episode three and listen to a moment that we had. That could have been incredibly difficult conflict fight, but turned out to be really well turned worked out well for us because of our attachment styles.
Speaker 1:I love that. What's interesting too and I just want to touch on this briefly is your attachment style will typically attract to you a mirror for your attachment style. So what does that mean? An island who is avoidant when conflict or intimacy happens or closeness happens, will typically attract a wave. And so this is where an anxious and avoidant come together. Chemistry brings them together. Opposites attract and they get into a few months in the relationship and things start to deteriorate and they can't figure out what he runs or she runs. So there's anxiety, there's insecurity, there's all this ish that shows up in the relationship. It's typically because it's in that relationship dynamic that you see all the things that are yet to be dealt with. And so if you're avoiding in the relationship, you're running to work rather than running close to your partner, you're getting anxious when your partner leaves or there's conflict. All of that is showing you that there's areas that you need to need to work on for yourself.
Speaker 2:I love that. So now we've given you a great solid what of what attachment is. Let's get an understanding of what authenticity is. Good, the other, the partner there.
Speaker 2:So authenticity again diving into just our dialogue note but authenticity is the capacity to know what we feel, be in touch with our bodies and be able to freely express who we are. And, I'll say that again, to be able to feel like you have the room within your relationship to freely be who we are. And most of us have not experienced that because quite often and going back to whether you want to look at the childhood scenario or just looking at your own life is that I'm not going to put a percentage to it but often attachment I'll say it this way authenticity is sacrificed because of attachment. Is that, regardless of who we are, because we have such a high need to be attached to other individuals, is that we will put our needs second place in order to make this grow? And so, until we discover the authentic part of ourselves and allow ourselves to be who we are, which is really just the gift that we bring to the relationship, then our attachment obviously plays into that.
Speaker 1:Yeah. So I'll bring it back to my upbringing is I think this is good. I speak to a lot of the nice guys, guys who are raised by single moms. For my experience growing up, what I knew was I didn't know what's happening, but it was actually happening dynamic. I had to grow up very fast because I was an only child raised by a single mom that was doing life on her own. I was exposed to a lot of adult problems and my mom's primary problems on a consistent basis, and so my needs became secondary because my mom was going through life and dealing with her emotions and figuring out how to raise a son on her own.
Speaker 1:And so, when I think about the attachment, my primary caregiver being my mom, of course, needed closeness. I wanted to feel connected. I needed to make sure my needs were met. I needed food, water and shelter, and so there's this need to attach, but there's also this emotional dynamic that was very unhealthy because we're not meant to raise kids alone. That's why we need two parents on household.
Speaker 1:And so the unhealthiness of the codependent relationship and this is nothing against my mom, she was the best that she could with what she had the unhealthiness of the relationship created a response. Response was I'm going to avoid my feelings because I need to care, take and take care of my mom, and so my mom's emotional, just dynamic overshadowed my needs for individuality, which created a bond between her and I, and so this created a little bit of an avoidant side and also an anxious side for me on my relationship sides. And so when I think about that, if you were raised in a household without a great pedigree and a great pedigree will reference the Uncle Bax all day long, because they come from a phenomenal pedigree Josh's wife Brittany and her brother Garrett's have two amazing parents and that is a true, really good, intentional dynamic. That is doing life the right way, I believe. And if you lack that and you didn't have a dynamic where two intentional parents are raising you, more than likely you've developed some type of unhealthy attachment. That's the longest short of it.
Speaker 2:That's true, and I've got a shared story with that too is I spent a decade of my 20s living in the bars. I was an empty individual. I did not have any intimate relationships in my life period. I remember I was a void and I kept away from those. I would actually, if I got close to somebody, I'd find a reason to push them away. Rip cord, rip cord completely, and so I would go and literally you would find me.
Speaker 2:I was a chameleon. This is why my wife says it. The best is that I was a chameleon and in any room that I was in, I would be who I thought I needed to be to fit in, because I didn't need to have relationships. And so if we were doing X, I would do X. If we were doing Y, I would do Y. For jumping off a bridge, I'm going first. If we're taking a drug, give it to me. Whatever I needed to do to feel like, hey, I'm part of this. So the chameleon's how I lived, and that did not get me very far down the road Again, just to land this because we're really only talking about two things attachment and authenticity.
Speaker 1:So what Josh is saying that he did, he is. He sacrificed authenticity to be attached to the trap Completely completely and you know hindsight's 2020.
Speaker 2:So, looking back, it was just the individual that I was. As a man, I was not a man, I was an empty boy, but again, because of my need to be a part of something was so high that I put everything in me that I knew, my relationship with God, my relationship with my parents anything that was positive was secondary, just so I could feel like I was part of this group.
Speaker 1:I talk about this, and I've talked about this for years, because this was actually a pivotal point in my personal development. What Josh is describing affects a lot of guys. I call it the nice guy, so, dr Robert Glover. He's been a guest on the podcast. He's wrote a book called no More Mr Nice Guy.
Speaker 1:The nice guy is people pleasing, approval seeking. He's passive with his hopes, dreams and desires and he believes that if he is nice, he'll get his needs met. And so he's typically also raised by a strong, prominent female voice and household, and so he sacrifices true authenticity and is just nice to the world. He's not actually really nice. He is that chameleon. He's creating covert contracts I'm gonna do for you in the expectation that my needs are gonna be met, and so this niceness is a disguise. It's the chameleon. I'm gonna fit in every room. I'm not gonna show up authentically. I'm gonna avoid conflict and confrontation. I'm strictly just gonna try and be nice, because if I'm nice long enough, then my needs are gonna be met. The problem with that is that that's not authentic. There has to be conflict, there's gonna be challenges in life, and nice doesn't actually get anything done. And so when you're sacrificing yourself just to be nice, you're not giving the world your gift, which is your authenticity.
Speaker 2:And so often I see really brilliant men in a room and we're having conversations, we're involved in several men's groups and so you see a man that you know is intelligent probably does well in his market space. I live in a neighborhood where there's some nice homes and some of these guys are in our groups. I know that they do really well in a marketplace but you never hear from them. You never hear them speak up.
Speaker 2:I know they're brilliant but they've been conditioned through sacrificing their authentic side. Their voice has been suppressed and repressed, the dated, castrated completely so that they can feel at some point in their life, so they could feel like they were good enough to be in the room, that they're willing to be in the room. They got that attachment portion but you never get the gift of their authentic side. They may be very authentic in the marketplace but you put them in a relationship, probably in their marriages, inside their house and how they parent. All of that is repressed and kicked back because they have no confidence in it. They haven't chosen to look in the mirror and know who they are, who they are, what they bring to the table and bring voice to that. It's good.
Speaker 1:It's good. It's good. So we're touching on two things attachment and authenticity, and these are deep topics, like we're gonna come back to this a lot. An authentic man, an authentic high value man, is purpose driven. He's got clarity with his vision. He's operating on a core values, not his default vices. He's really deciding the path that he's on. An authentic man is what the world needs, more so than anything. But authenticity is shrouded when we don't understand attachment and so we don't understand how our parents caregiving tactics whether they were negligent or completely connected affects our relationship dynamic. We are living in the shadows of our greatness. We can't truly be authentic because attachment is overriding. Attachment will always override.
Speaker 2:That's very true, that's very true. So I think about how do we lean into understanding our authenticity. It's good, here it is. So you first gotta be honest and authentic with yourself. Be authentic with yourself, it's good. Not many men have stopped to look and see. Who am I? Yeah, what do I bring to the table? What are my passions? What am I good at? What do I really value? Value, what do I hate? Yeah, what do I value in my life? We typically get caught in these rivers, these streams that are moving. We go well, this is life, this is who I am, and maybe played guitar at some point and you like to sing as a kid and you just quit doing that because it doesn't bring value financially, or somebody said something at one point it's like, oh, you're not that good at it and that's like the positive, this seed of doubt.
Speaker 2:Or maybe there's an adventurous side of you, a guy that really actually likes to be outside. I know that I love to ride my bike, I like to do trail riding, and so I didn't do that for quite a long time in my marriage because I wanted to be with my wife and I thought, oh, I'm just gonna, I'll get my pleasure out of being with my wife versus taking a few hours a week to go out on the trails and do something. That made my butt pucker and, honestly, that's how I like to trail ride. I like to hit trees, I like to go down. It's part of my adventurous side. So that's just one piece of ways that we sacrifice that authenticity and hopes that we have a healthy attachment with somebody, and you can't have a healthy attachment if you're not truly who you are Correct.
Speaker 1:Yeah, because that will eventually deteriorate. You might get in a relationship based on love, chemistry, neurochemistry, attraction, sex, whatever it is. There might be something that draws you together that's just biological. Then, once you get into it, the thing that keeps you together, the glue of a relationship, is authenticity. 100% is Because once you're attached now you've got two people that have mess, you've got healthy and unhealthy ways. You're going to create connection. You have to decide is the person I'm with really the person I want to be with? Well, the only way you know that is if they're giving you their authentic self. Yeah, and it takes time for that.
Speaker 2:Sure, you don't get that out the gate. Social media certainly won't give that to you. No, no, you've got to get time in and let yourself be who you are. I love this.
Speaker 1:I'm going to pull, really get grounded on this, because the how I think is so important. I think a lot of men haven't asked these hard-hitting questions what is most important to me? Who am I? What is most important to me? I love the idea of creating a list of things I actually hate and then comparing it to your priorities and things that you're doing throughout the week. How much of your day is designed around doing things you didn't want to do, that you just said yes to because you're stuck in it?
Speaker 2:Yeah, I love that. For a lot of guys that can do something tangibly for themselves is that you create, whether it's whether it's an I hate, which is helpful. But really to get down to the I ams, when you understand who you are or the man that you want to be, the things that you value, what you're passionate about. I am strong, I am brilliant, I have a lot to say, I have so much to give, I'm a leader All the things you can say about yourself, speaking those over yourself is so powerful. It can actually help you unlock the authentic potential that's been there for decades, that you've been suppressing and really, again, if you can unlock yourself, then you have the ability to be a gift again Not saying you're not a gift in general, but you have the ability to be a gift again in the relationships that you're a part of because you've been withholding it. So stop withholding it.
Speaker 1:Joe, the world needs your gifts, the world needs your authenticity. What are some ways that you have? I know you said the trail riding, but what are some other ways that you have reconnected with authentic self, maybe reconnected with aspects of things you did when you were younger? How does that show up?
Speaker 2:So part of my authentic self is I'm naturally a competitor. I don't play for any sports teams by any means, but I do CrossFit. So CrossFit has helped me tap into the authentic portion of me that needs to compete with other people. You have to do it. Trail riding actually helps me tap into a little bit of my violet side. I don't just get out and lollygag on the trails, I really want to push hard enough to where I go down several times. I actually like coming home with bruises and cuts because I did something, I scared myself, and so I really enjoy that. And also, aaron and I have gotten in the ring before and few times, will continue to do this. But I really like fighting Not fighting for the sake of, you know, getting a bar fight, but I love the conflict, the physical conflict that comes with that. Every man should, I agree. And so those are the three main ways for me that I tap into the authentic portion of who I am.
Speaker 2:Outside of that home I enjoy conflict. I know I said that, but I really enjoy the potential that's hidden in conflict. But in my home most men don't get this out of me, but I'm incredibly tender. I'm very present. So with my girls. The authentic part of who I am is and I believe it's a very masculine part of who I am is that I am tender, that I'm present, that I don't lean on just my proximity of being home but I'm in the world of my girls. I love on them, I'm very gentle with them. I'm eyeball to eyeball with my little five-year-old and that requires me to get on my knees and just be at her eye level and be with her. So that's a very authentic portion of who I am is the tender, protective, present dad and father and husband. So those are different ways that I meet the need that I have of being the authentic portion of myself and then my attachments of all grown because of that. That's something I get to bring to men around me.
Speaker 1:I love that I love that. I think about something that I've reconnected with within the last couple months that I put down for a long time. I'm an artist, like probably by nature, like a very creative person. I love creating things, but a very authentic part of myself is creating something just to create. And so I've got this painting in my bachelor pad and this painting it's huge, it's a four foot by three foot. I'll post it at some point. But it's a sacred heart of the sacrament of Jesus from more of the Catholic side, but it's just something I'm working on, just to be able to work on something have no expressed outcome for, just to do it.
Speaker 2:Yeah, and it's so important and there's so much meaning in it, too, for you. We talked about this the meaning that you had just in the experience of turning off the phone, being in your quiet space, allowing your thoughts to come into color, and what you did with that, and so I love that you started doing that again. Yeah.
Speaker 1:And I think about so many guys. There's typically something you need to do that you haven't done in a while that would bring you back to the best version of yourself. It's that guy that got the relationship first and foremost. It's that guy that she fell in love with. It's that guy that's going to lead your son or your daughter to their authentic self. It's that guy that's going to contribute to the world, to the marketplace. It's going to have the innovation, because our pastor talks about this. It's your divine fingerprint that will allow you to leave an imprint that only you can. It's your uniqueness, one percent, that only you can bring, and that's authenticity. But if you're not being authentic, the world is this dull. It's just this dull. It's true, it's true.
Speaker 2:And so we all have parts of ourselves that nobody has to bring? Yeah, and the world is waiting. It's needing who we are, yeah, and if you continue to suppress and repress that, just for the sake of living your life as you've been living it, or to fit in, or to fit in.
Speaker 1:Yeah, your partner's also not getting the very best. You oh, pretty good, and that's the biggest thing. You know, we've talked about two things. We want to land a plan on this, but we're talking about attachment theories. So the three attachment theories, your island Okay, I want to avoid things, I want to be alone. When intimacy, conflict or confrontation happens the way, it's anxiety-based, it's unsure, uncertain, insecure. Or there's the healthy attachment style, which is the anchor and these three interplay in your relationship dynamic. But the attachment style will typically override your authenticity if you're unaware of how you attach yeah, and you'll notice it in yourself.
Speaker 2:You'll notice you'll feel yourself hiding like a snail, going into a shell. Yeah, whatever you want to say, that you stay reserved, you stay conservative in who you are. There's a part of you, there's a lion inside of you that's dying to get out and you feel it. There's a part of your life that just not can grew it with who you are. So good and I know if you're hearing this, then you can probably, as quickly as I snap my finger, think about the parts of your life that you're not living to its full potential.
Speaker 2:That's not your authentic self. You got to not only realize it, but you've got to take action to it. Be bold enough to step into who you are. Go do the things you need. If you need to jump out of an airplane, go freaking jump out of an airplane. If you need to go read a book that you've been sitting on your nightstand for nine years, go read the book. Do what you need. If you need to paint a painting, go get a canvas and paint it. Don't even have to sell it, just do it. It's not like it's going to be a new career, but step into who you have the gifting of who you are, so that you can be that in your relationships.
Speaker 1:I'd say, also be willing to have the conversations with yourself of. If any relationship, job or situation that I'm in will not fully accept and love my true, authentic self. It's probably something you need to end, edit or exit from. We get into these and this is where attachment is. It's just so much depth here. I really hope you guys do read the book and also do your own research on it. Attachment theory is driving your decisions and your romantic relationship and connection. Think about sports. We can talk about sports on that too. Then attach themselves to sports they may not even be interested in.
Speaker 1:Just to feel attached or part of a tribe Creates a whole nother area of I'm doing something I'm not really interested because everyone else is doing it. How many relationships whether in the workplace, in your romantic relationship, friendships are you just going with the flow simply because you're fearing showing up the way that you want to? This is where, if you understand what you truly are, what you want to be, your authentic self, you can actually have the question like, okay, am I in any relationships that are unhealthy to me? And or, if I show up the way that I really need to show up, will they still love and accept me. If the answer is no, get out of it, Unless you're married.
Speaker 1:It's a separate conversation. It's a separate conversation. Yeah, I have my thoughts on that. Know this before you get into your marriage, because you will be bringing your best to it and inside of your relationship dynamic this is stereo on my side, but you can fact check me on this is knowing these attachment styles and how they show up inside of the dynamic allows you to show up for your partner in a more healing way?
Speaker 2:Yes, that's the key, the key that the desire in life ought to be to become an anchor. Yes, regardless of what your partner become, regardless of what your current style is, you can become an anchor. You'll not get there if you don't take the time to dive into this. Understand yourself, understand where your purpose is, understand what you value, understand the things that have not been serving you and do something about it.
Speaker 1:So good, so good. All right, guys, there's a lot more meat on this, but I'll leave you with a couple of tools. One get the book wired for love, understand attachment theory. There's three that we talked about the wave, the anchor and the island. There is a fourth once you nerd out and do the Google on it. And then, of course, authenticity. The questions we want to leave you guys with is are you living your authentic life? What are the things that you need to do that will ignite that passion, that intensity, that excitement for who you're going to be inside of the world?
Speaker 2:That's right. Stop playing small. You've done it for too long. You are a high value man and the moment you dive into this and quit playing small, you'll realize that line that's inside of you. Stop being a pamp. If you're watching this, it's right behind me. Stop being a pamp. Stop being passive. That's not meant for you. You're a masculine man. Step into it Boom.
Speaker 1:Much love, money blessing. We're off to podcast. Back to the fucking mental lab.