The High Value Man Conversation
The High Value Man gets what he wants from WOMEN, WORK AND THE WORLD OF MEN. He's confident, charismatic, creative and collaborative and it all begins with High Value Conversations. Have a listen to this weeks High Value Conversation.
Hosted By:
Erin Alejandrino & Josh Lashua
The High Value Man Conversation
The HVMC: S3 ep3: The 6 Human Needs and How they drive your decisions.
There are 6 human needs that drive all decisions. Whether you are conscious or unconscious of them they are running the show, your relationships and affecting your future. Your job as a High Value Man is to identify them in yourself and others and create a healthy blueprint to meet your needs. Master these and master life.
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this is the high value man conversation podcast, a show dedicated to the mission of building high value men, men that are courageous, committed and uncompromising in the pursuit of greatness. You run the day.
Speaker 2:Stop having a run you one day she's a big thing. I thought he's going to, not. Yeah, that's when the next step, you know, you know, you know, keep going when I'm going to win this far away from these dreams, as you think you are one great man means a great family, a great neighborhood, a better city, community, state and the world.
Speaker 1:The question is, if not you, then who? Welcome back to the high value man conversation. I'm Aaron, josh Lashua, glad to be with you then. Happy to be with you. Guys.
Speaker 1:Today we're talking about the six human needs. So we all have fundamentally six human needs. There are four that have to be met for you. Even think about the top two, but there are six needs that are driving all of your decisions in your life and like your relationship, the work that you choose, those good decisions, those bad decision. We're going to be talking about understanding your needs, why you need to really understand the order of them, why they're so important, the healthy road map in the unhealthy road map for them, and also how they affect your relationship, which is going to be the big, big talking piece. Because if you're struggling your relationship, conflict, confrontation, problems maybe you self-sabotage, pulled out of court, get out of it too early. Maybe you do it's because you are more than likely trying to fulfill one of your human needs and if you don't understand what's operating under the surface, then you're going to keep repeating the same be bad behavior, take laps in the desert.
Speaker 2:I love that. This is honestly one of my favorite topics to discuss of all time. I think just realizing that what we're going to walk through today, aaron, is it's so foundational and you mentioned already and how we think, be and do our life. It's involved in every emotion that we have. It's involved in every brain process that we make, decisions we make. It is so intricate to the fund the fundamental part of who every individual is, and I love that we all share all these needs. There's not a need here that you have. There's not here that you don't have. So we'll talk about that and how it really flows in a fluid scale for our lives and what each one means, and so it's going to be a great conversation. You're going to really want to digest this, chew on it, think about it, spend time re listening through the podcast again. We listen to the message again. There's so much meat in what we could talk about. I feel like we could probably talk about this for six hours if we wanted to, but we won't do that for you today.
Speaker 1:Love it and we were talking about that too is because this some I believe Maslow really talk about this Maslow's hierarchy of needs talk. There's a pyramid you probably seen at some point, maybe psychology 101. That's a pyramid that talks about the foundation that everybody needs is really you have your basic needs met. So level of certainty so we're going to touch on that being your first, one of the six is that certainly you got to have your basic needs met. From a foundational standpoint, this means you got to know where you're sleeping at night, you have to be fed, you got to be watered. But that's the idea behind this is that there are needs that are stacked on top of each other before you can reach that point of self actualization, fulfillment, contributions the world like. There are basic needs that you need to understand the order of, or anything else can really be achieved.
Speaker 2:That's certainly true. So yeah, after food, water, shelter and sex, you got those. You're sitting in a sustainable place. Then we can really dive down to who we are as individuals. What makes us tick, what is churning in our brain, unconsciously or subconsciously, that affects everything we are consciously, that's to our world, to our relationships, to the marketplace, to our bodies, etc. So let's get after it.
Speaker 1:Cool man, all right well, josh, why don't you take us away? Talk us through. What are the six human needs? Let's expose everybody to what they are, and then we'll dive into the positives and negative ways and the blueprints for meeting them.
Speaker 2:Yeah, I love that. So if you're, if you're driving, make note of it, circle back re-listening this when you can actually write these downs. I want you to write these down, make note of them so you can review them again. But are the top listed need? Fundamental need is certainty. Certainty is the need to know what to expect. Certainty people this may be you, but certainty people, aaron really like their calendars, they like their habits, they like their schedules. They like to know what's coming, what's to expect. Certainty individual doesn't do real well with curveballs in life. Spontaneity Spontaneity they wanna know if we have plans. In two weeks we're going to dinner, where we're going to dinner, what time we're going to dinner, what should I wear, kind of thing. If there's something at the office it's great, I got a meeting in two weeks what I need to prepare for? I don't need a slide point. What are we talking about?
Speaker 1:here, so comfortable Certainty, wants to see the menu before you go to the restaurant and so, like they wanna know if date night is happening you're in a relationship with a high certain person. Like they wanna know what restaurant, what the temperature, exactly if you said what to wear. But what's on the menu? Cause it doesn't fit their diet plan and can they have it. So Absolutely.
Speaker 2:Yep, that's certainty. So certainty sits here on the spectrum. And then we have our novelty people. Novelty people love spontaneity. They're the opposite end of that certainty side. They wanna go new places, meet new people, have new experiences. The mundane of life can feel really like a drag on them. If you're a novelty person going to the same restaurant you're probably not gonna order the same thing more than once. You wanna try variations on the menu. You typically just desire to have new experiences, not just desire. You have a need for new experiences, likely with new people in new settings. Creating new circumstances really feeds into you. You're the kind of individual that really loves to go into a big room filled with tons of people you don't know so you can get to know these people.
Speaker 1:Yeah, also a need for adventure. Novelty is, like the adventure side, like I wanna feel that adrenaline by doing something new where I don't know what the outcome is gonna be Completely opposite of the certainty side. We have a need for both. They're just in different orders, and that's a big thing to touch on too. Is that all of these are needs. We all want them in our life, but the order that we prioritize is gonna be drastically different based on the individual.
Speaker 2:Yeah, for sure. After that, the next need that we have is fundamental, is our need for significance, and we all have it. Again, fluid Scale will touch on that here shortly. But the need for significance is, if you're a high significance person, you have a high need to feel valued, to feel important. That's in your relationships, that's, of course, in your home, for sure.
Speaker 2:But in the marketplace, in your business office and any room that you roll into where there's one other person besides you, whether it's one person or 10,000 people, you have a need to bring value, feel important and know the room values you, the way that they see you. Yeah, I love that. High significance, high significance of that, Okay. And then after a significant, so after significance, another end of the spectrum is the need for connection and love. A connection and love person really draws their need as met by serving others but also knowing that in that service that they are bringing value. So their value is more action-based than even, maybe even, mental-based. So a connection love person is someone who goes out of their way to love on an individual so that they feel closer to that individual Closeness is a huge driving force in the connection and belonging.
Speaker 1:And again, we all have this need but they wanna feel closeness with a partner, with a community, with the tribe, with the relationship. They wanna feel included. Inclusion is a big part of that need for belonging, For sure for sure.
Speaker 2:Moving on to the next one. The next one is it can be more spiritual, but it's certainly a foundational need, and that's our need for growth. We have a need to progress, to progress in the areas of our life, to progress in our intellect, to progress in our relationships, progress in our marketplace, progress in our bank accounts, to progress, to always be moving forward. The fear there's a fear attached to if I'm not growing, then I'm not living, dying yeah, what's I growing is dying, cool. And then the other, the last one that we have, the last fundamental need that we have. Number six is the need to serve others. It's a need to and this can look like connection, love, but it's not. They're completely separate.
Speaker 2:A person who has a high need to serve will go out of their way to bring value to people. And so serving to be anything from I'm gonna make your lunch for you, I'm gonna go clean your car, I'm gonna work extra because I know it'll take a burden off of you, whether you said it or not. I have a feeling like I can serve you this way. Maybe it's out in the community. Serving. That could be in your home again, that could be in your business, but truly actionable items to do something for others. It's an extension of themselves and action to be in a servanthood. I love that.
Speaker 1:And also the other way that I understand this. The six human need of service is contribution. So you think about the legacy movement, the mother Teresa ideal of how can I really contribute back to society, to the world and give my gifts, and so like this is like the peak I think that we all deeply desire. So what is our spiritual gifting that we're gonna give to the world is that level of contribution, service to the greater community, and I do wanna just touch on this because I know Tony talks about it.
Speaker 1:So if we look at those first four certainty, uncertainty, connection, belonging and significance those are like the base to the, those are the pillars, right. So those have to be met first before you ever think about growth. Nobody that's not getting fed every night and that is not having like their basic needs of shelter being met, that isn't part of a tribe. They're not thinking about growth, they're not thinking about contributions to the greater world. And so if you really wanna impact like a greater number of people or to really get above yourself, like, these four basic needs need to be understood first and foremost, which is you gotta understand yourself your blueprint for meeting them, the order of priority that you have, so that you can really be a contributing member to society yeah, that's a great way to put it.
Speaker 2:And so, again, as I mentioned, we all share these needs. Nobody hearing my voice has one of these needs we've listed and says now that that's not me. You have all six. Now what you need to understand is it's a fluid scale, and so there's gonna be two. Everyone's gonna have a primary and a secondary that are the most important to you, and you can think about the fluid scale of one being.
Speaker 2:That's really low for my needs, aaron, but maybe you know 10 is I've gotta have this in my life, or like maybe I'm in freak out mode and so as you look at each one of these certainty, novelty, servanthood, connection, love, growth and service you need to scale yourself. Is this a one for me, is this a 10 for me, or where do I fall in the middle of that? That will help you get eyes on your order and you're gonna have two. Just expect to have two that are really high, somewhere between seven and 10. These are really high for you. So just have that expectation as you think about these and maybe go back and re-list into the definitions of where I fall in my work. Yeah, and then, second to that, once you understand your order or you have a grasp of what these needs are, is understanding your roadmap to filling them. It's good.
Speaker 2:So we all have different ways that we get these needs met. We have roadmaps that we created for ourselves that help us meet these needs. So being conscious of them is a huge deal, because you want to be conscious of them. You don't want to be living in a life of default or it's just how I do things, it's just how I am. That's not who a high value man is. You've got to understand yourself so you can understand the rooms that you're in, continue to bring value to them and also, at the same time, not be blinded by how other people are because you think, oh, that's just the way that they are. You'll understand yourself first so you can understand your partners, your relationships and your marketplace. I love that. I love that.
Speaker 1:So knowing your order is so important so I can share with you. Previously to doing some more, I can tell you my number one need has been certainty. I want to know what it's going to look like and so high certainty can be again the scheduling, the programming, the being able to really map out a vision. So vision is a big part of what we talk about. It's like this is what it's supposed to look like. But the supposed to what it's looked like is also very high control. So certainty and control typically dance together a lot.
Speaker 1:So there's this idea like I need it to look a certain way for me to feel certain and safe, to meet my need, which means I want to control as much as possible. You can see what this can show up in a relationship. Dynamic has a very negative thing because of my need for certainty is really high and my partner's need for certainty is very high, which is very traditional in a dynamic between male and female. Women's number one need is security, so certainty is always going to be very high for your woman. So in that dynamic we both have a really high need for certainty and control. There's going to be an opportunity to really combat each other.
Speaker 2:Potentially yeah, yeah, no for sure. What's your second?
Speaker 1:need. Second need prior to doing some work was connection belonging, and so I think that is a very noble thing. I love being part of a tribe, I'm a romantic, I love love, but when certainty and connection belonging are number one and number two need and it was unconscious I would meet my need for certainty and my need for connection belonging in very unhealthy ways because it was operating as like a primary need. I wasn't conscious of it. So, from a certainty standpoint, this is how a relationship needs to look like, because I need to feel like connection and close with you. So it'd be a lot of control, a lot of control rather than the fluidity that needs to happen in a relationship dynamic.
Speaker 2:That's well, aaron and I definitely we talked about this before we started recording, but I find it interesting that we have linked up and weaved our lives together, and your needs being certainty and connection, love and my needs are novelty and significance. So those so the four needs. We both share, for sure, but they're opposite ends of that spectrum, which I find very interesting that we that that turned out the way, because I didn't put that together till right now, which is really wild.
Speaker 1:So my number one and it's typically how it works in a relationship dynamic in a masculine family, not saying that you're feminine or masculine, but just in the dynamic of relationship. That's typically what attracts right. It's opposite to tract and so you think about that. Understanding not only your order but your roadmap for meeting them in healthy and unhealthy ways means hey, josh, I have a very high need for certainty, which means my expectation that I don't want to place on you but for myself looks like this sometimes, and I know that you've got a very high need for novelty, which I understand from what I know about you may look like this. Here's potential areas where we could clash and where we could really work together in a really beautiful dynamic.
Speaker 2:That's great. I don't want to dive on this for, but I definitely want to give it to every man who's listening here, because likelihood of you being in a relationship, specifically romantic relationships, are very high. If you're not in one now, you're going to be in one. Is that the things that so ying, the yang, yeah, as we just talked about, this is for you. So take note of this. The things that draw you to each other in the beginning will come, will become a place of condention at some point. So what that means is the things that really attracted us to ourselves. So I'm I am a one of my needs. My second need is novelty Shocking that my wife would be a high, certain, high certainty, that attraction of her.
Speaker 2:She's got things in order. I really liked that because I didn't. I like to flow off the cusp like the wind in the air. If it goes left, it goes right. I'm down with it, let's roll. I didn't do well in scheduling, I didn't do well in my financial world initially, so she brought that certainty in. I just, I just find that really, really interesting. But then, really, this is for you guys in relationship Know that what drew you together in the beginning, because, as we do. Life we have, our expectations, will at some point become a place of contention. So don't don't make your spouse or your partner pay a price for who they are and what they bring to your relationship, because you become complacent with who they are. Realize who they are, what the strengths that they bring, because that's what you wanted in the first place. And again, don't make them pay the price for it, because their greatness is being poured in your life. I love that. I love that.
Speaker 1:And just another reminder that your level of personal development will set the tone in the stage for the relationship. That's very true. Okay, so we got certainty and the the six human needs and I share a little bit of around the poor roadmap for meeting both certainty and connection belonging, your need for novelty being high for you paint a picture for the listeners. How has that shown up in maybe a negative framework and not meeting your, not finding a healthy roadmap for me.
Speaker 2:So just for the listeners, my my top two needs number one significance. Number two is novelty. So, speaking on novelty specifically, is that, because I have such a high need for new experiences, a negative for a novel person can be making decisions without the consideration of others, taking action on something without the consideration of others. So, especially if you're part of a team, if you're part of a tribe, you're part of a group, you're married, you're in a relationship, life, aaron, is not lived inside of a vacuum. It would be really nice for a novelty if it worked that way. I can go live freely, I can go be a wanderer and not affect anyone. It doesn't work that way. So the negative part of that is I've got to consider, in the midst of my own needs, those that I do life with, because I will certainly impact them with my decisions. So that's a negative side. If you're the high novel person being aware of your movements, when you turn left, when you turn right, there's people behind you You're creating a way to creating a draft that affects others. What about significance? So significance, so positive is significance is that there's not a room that I walk into, that I don't have a need to bring value to which we talked about in the definition. A negative for a significant is that you could find me overworking. You can find me going beyond myself so that my need feels like it's being met.
Speaker 2:So in the workplace, I have been in cubicles. I have worked for other people. I don't need more because I know it's not what's best for me, but in the years that I did that, I would find myself giving more, showing up more and again. These aren't bad traits. I wasn't. I wasn't.
Speaker 2:I was well intended in what I was doing, because I'm still bringing value. But I would get so deep down the rabbit hole in how I felt my title, the power that comes with that, the paychecks that come with that, that I would get so wrapped up in what I'm doing here that everything else in my life would pay the price. We pay the price. So I feel significant at work, I feel significant in my groups, with my men, but then the price being paid is that I'm not taking care of my body. I'm spending way too much time in a chair, I'm not building my relationships that bring a lot of value to me, I'm not spending as much time with my wife and my children as I say that I would like to, because this is what makes me feel so good about myself.
Speaker 1:And also the other side of that too, is you could have a very high need for significance with your physical appearance and, like love, the attention drawn from this. Well, that can be a positive thing and also be very negative thing if that becomes the only source of your connection with other people.
Speaker 2:Yeah, and think about even modern day with social media. That's the thing for me and I'm posting all the time and I'm getting my likes and my comments on my social media. It's hit me, I'm liking it. All of a sudden that becomes like a king in my life, that becomes what gets my priority. And if I'm not being, if I'm not taking the time to be met at home or with my relationships, with that it's good. I will nurture this before I'll nurture the other one, right and then that's a slipper.
Speaker 1:Like every one of these needs has a slippery slope. The devil knows your flavor, right? So if your need for significance is high, social media becomes this vacuum where you're being externally validated in a capacity. The next thing you know you're entertaining and engaging relationships are not productive, yeah, and again feeds the ego. So again, we all have these needs in different orders of priority, and just a matter of understanding what is which is your number one, number two and and etc. No for sure.
Speaker 2:No, that's great, that's great. Want to touch on on growth and servant a little more, yeah.
Speaker 2:So for any of us have a need for growth I talked about, that's a need to progress and need to learn. You might find somebody. My wife's number two need is growth and I love that Y'all. I'm married to Dr. She's brilliant. She has always sought to be more intellectually sharp, season to season to season to season. She has such a high need for growth that became a place of contention and our relationship I was talking to Erin about this is that my wife has a need to be a part of coachings, events, go places and learn, get new certifications always in a realm of growth and who she is, and in a new marriage especially.
Speaker 2:Not it's not everybody, but it's certainly for us. We we didn't have two nickels rubbed together, but my wife had such a high need is that we were doing things that we didn't have money and savings in an early season in our life because we were doing these things and that that could be a negative for a growth person. Now, a positive for a growth person is that you're always you're typically going to be a producer. You're always going to be leaning into something. Growing. Stagnant life is likely the fear of a growth person. If I'm not going forward, I'm going backward and I just can't have that. But you can also realize that you have such a high need for growth that likely there's a be a price being paid somewhere else. There's always a price being paid, yeah, yeah.
Speaker 1:And we were talking about this right before is that if growth is high. So previously I said certainty and connection belonging were at the top of my list. After doing some reframing, because I realized that certainly being a number one really is very limiting, I am consciously moving growth and connection belonging is my number one. Number two because I look at growth from a standpoint of everything is growing rather than the idea that it has to look a certain way. But I think about the growth from a negative side. You're constantly gathering information and not actually deploying and stepping into the world and doing something productive. That's a big deal.
Speaker 2:I think about so many people that go to college for an extended amount of time. They'll go to college, they'll get their bachelors, then they'll get their masters. They may go in fourth and get secondary certifications, maybe even go and get their doctorate. But at what point are you going to take what you've learned, what you've gathered, and go sew it into the world so that you can produce something? Don't get caught in the stagnant. It can be stagnant. Be stagnant growth. You're growing intellectually, but you're not growing your production. It's good, it's good Cool Service.
Speaker 2:So service. So this need, as I talked about already, service is the need to serve others. Think about people, think about Mother Teresa. A great example is she clearly had a high need to be in front of people, taking care of them, bringing what she could to them. There's plenty of people that we could use, that we could place her names in that, but her significance was really in what she could do for other people. And again, this is not a connection to love, this is a contribution type. And so service is a really great thing. We all want to be served on some level, but if we're serving so much that we're paying a price that other areas are alive for paying a price. That's where it becomes a negative.
Speaker 2:I think about people that serve in church. I go to a large church, so does Aaron, but people who come in can be really on fire for this community. They get so much out of it and want to give back to it that they'll come in. They'll join two, three, four teams or join book studies, prayer groups etc. And all of a sudden they're part of all of these groups, but then they're not spending any time at home. What they're making in the marketplace goes down, because this becomes the place that really helps them feel like they're significant. They're always giving of themselves, giving of their time.
Speaker 1:That's touching on a few different human needs. So we got this contribution, this kind of peak state of all of our needs of really giving to others. There's a contribution and there's also the significance. Whatever you say is because I'm serving to others, I feel important and that is a high need for significance person, if you have a high need for significance, the feeling, a feeling important, is really like it's an important piece of it. It really is. It also be connection love, connection love and connection love. So now we're touching on three human needs in this. When I give of self and I'm serving at a great capacity, it's feeding my significance, connection, belonging and my need for contribution. That's where, when you do something that feeds multiple needs at once, it became from a negative lens it can be addictive, but also from a very positive lens can be very addictive. It becomes something like I want to do more of this because it's creating such a sense of autonomy in doing the act, and that's actually that's the definition of a roadmap.
Speaker 2:What Aaron just explained is a roadmap for that individual of how they get these things. We all have roadmaps. We all have things that we do, habits that we've created in our schedule and things that we do every single day to get those needs met, and they can either service or they can hinder us. So, being aware of those because, as I'm talking to you, I guarantee you've probably got several of them, if not a dozen or more of them, so we got to become aware of them.
Speaker 2:They may be feeding in, but they may not be serving you.
Speaker 1:Right, and this is where understanding your human needs, first and foremost, is fundamental to understand is the roadmap that you're using the most effective tool to get what you want. And so this comes back to our framework. We understand that vision is step number one. You got to know the direction that you're moving in. You're operating from your core values so that you're not living a life of default, the design and then stack consistent victories. We're going to talk about this, as we always talk about it, but it comes back down to is the roadmap I'm using going to help me achieve the vision that I want?
Speaker 1:So I think about a negative roadmap and from that can feed the need of certainty, significance, even connection, and belonging, even growth, from the standpoint of so many men work so hard in a career, a job, a line of work, because it feeds their need for certainty. They know that they can show up and produce. They get the accolades from the other men inside the tribe or the other people inside of the business that they're in their patent, on the back of the congratulations, good job, closing the deal. And so we got significance built in this connection, belonging, there's the aspect of certainty, and they're growing inside the space, but then their family is completely neglected or their health is neglected. They're making the money, so I got the finances category dialed in. They might even be achieving in a certain direction, but their family is just this neglected part of their entire ecosystem yeah, that's very true.
Speaker 2:And, guys, you'll hear us talk about some of our four pillars faith, family, fitness and finance is that inside each one of those your needs may be different. So in your faith, you can look at your needs. Break those down. Break those six knees down In your family. Break those six knees when do you land with your family on all six of those guys In your fitness? Where do you land in all six of those In your finance? Where do you land with all six of those?
Speaker 2:Really get to understand yourself. If you don't understand yourself, well then you'll never truly be a chiseled hammer ready to go after life. You'll be living a life by default. You'll be letting your circumstances and your situations dictate who and how you show up in every room that you're in and if you wanna be a high value man I'm speaking over you that you're going to be, it's in front of you Is really getting to understand yourself. And once you have, once you've grasped onto yourself, then you can turn and you can look at your partner and try to get to understand them and why they operate the way that they do. You've probably seen them and heard their bids for their needs to do that, so that have likely been met in conflict for, let's say, probably for years. If you understand who you are, who your partner is, and we can walk through these things, we have an opportunity to weave them so that they compliment each other, and that's what gets you down the road.
Speaker 1:Yeah, I love that and that's exactly what we're gonna touch on. This third piece is you gotta understand the human needs high level, know your order, the roadmap that you're using to achieve each of your needs. But the third piece is how your six human needs affect your relationship, and we're gonna touch on that some time now, but that's mostly what we're gonna be talking about. Inside of our high value man private community as well, is your relationship dynamic? We understand fundamentally that one of our core human needs is connection, belonging, love, relationship, and it's also the part that I'd say stimulates the most amount of growth. You think about breakups, build businesses and bodies. When your spouse or your partner is getting your attention because she's pissed off, angry, frustrated because of something you did, you're like okay, what do I gotta work on? Well, relationship is a core piece that we're gonna be talking about throughout this podcast and conversation, as well as the coaching. But your six human needs are driving the decisions in your relationship that are either bringing closeness or conflict and confrontation.
Speaker 2:That's absolutely true. As we're recording this I don't know when you're gonna be listening to this as we're recording this, we're in February, so we're approaching this.
Speaker 1:So we had a slight technical difficulty the last time we're filming this and so this is actually part two of the episode talking about the six human needs, but we're gonna hop right back in because we got a great story. I think it was actually a divine intervention to be able to give us a really relevant story of how your six human needs affect your relationship and can either create closeness or conflict.
Speaker 2:Yeah, you mentioned that. So a rolling blackout is not gonna stop us, which is great High value. Man pushes forward and that's what we're doing today. So, yeah, aaron, you had. We're at the point of our conversation where you talked about our six needs, are gonna do one of two things. There's an opportunity, it's a Y in the road. It's either going to create conflict in our relationship or it's an opportunity to create connection in our relationship and, just so happens, the blackout shut us down in that moment and we're back today continuing the conversation, to wrap up our conversation. It just happens what a coincidence which I don't believe in coincidences that last night, at 1.30 in the morning, I had the opportunity for conflict or connection. So my wife woke me up at 1.30 in the morning. I was in the deep of my sleep because she had a bad dream. She had a bad dream that she had checked our GPS and I was in a place that I shouldn't have been in an apartment which I wanna pause there for just a second.
Speaker 1:One of the things that I love and respect so much about Josh and many men in the circle that we roll with is they have active GPS turned on with not only where their wives can see where they're at, but all of their friends Just as a security metric. Talk about this being intrusive accountability, a higher level of like you know what. I already know that I'm gonna live the high-line man lifestyle and I'm not gonna put myself in stupid situations, but also to reinforce that and provide the safety and security which all women need and want, I'm just gonna share that information.
Speaker 2:And I love that. And the biggest reason why I do it is because I've given you accountability with about 12 men in my life. If you ever notice me in a place, you probably wonder why am I there? Call me, ask me Again. It's just a part of brotherhood, a part of intimacy, so it's a great part of our relationship. So I'm glad to do that with you.
Speaker 2:But, yeah, so in the dream my wife had checked my GPS and I happened to be in a place that she didn't recognize in the apartment complex. She calls me in the dream and I answer, and she asked me what I'm doing there and in the dream, on the phone, I gave no response. So immediately her mind thinks I'm somewhere I shouldn't be with, someone I don't need to be with, and so she wakes up from this dream in a place of just fear and anxiety, and so she rolls over and wakes me up at 1.30 in the morning with a. She calls me Joshy, joshy and Joshy. She's waking me up, and what I like about that, aaron, one of my takeaways is we actually teach that as what's called a gentle startup. She could have waken me up a dozen different ways, because she was really filled with fear and anxiety, but she woke me up with a really gentle startup in her conversation. She shares her dream with me and I'll be completely honest with you guys.
Speaker 2:I was frustrated. I mean, it's 1.30 in the morning, I'm in the middle of my sleep. I get it very early, usually around four, and so I'm in the middle of my sleep. But in that moment I had the opportunity to allow how I felt, allow that dream, allow what my wife was experiencing to be conflict in our relationship, or I had the opportunity to create connection. And so, leaning back into the six needs because I know my wife's number one need is certainty that she has reach that, that my needs weren't being met. But I had to make sure that I met her needs. So I came to my consciousness. I sat through with her, I told her to explain the dream to me. I asked her how she was doing with it and she wasn't doing well with it, and we ended up talking through it. Yeah, and I brought certainty into her by one, telling her one Nothing's going on. I'm nuts about you. I hope you know that I'm nuts about you. Here's my phone if you'd like to go through it, because sometimes that can be helpful if you just want to see what's going on, you're always welcome to it.
Speaker 2:And I met her bid for connection because she really needed that in the moment. She needed me to be present with her even the middle of the night and be be gentle with her, and I was. And so what happened with that is she even texted me this morning Just thanking me for showing up. The way that I showed up to bring her Connection, to bring her certainty, to bring her just a feeling that she's the most important thing in my life. It's good. And so it was an opportunity to build connection, which I'm really grateful.
Speaker 2:I chose that because my emotional equanimity, aaron, I had. I had to open that box in the moment. I was frustrated, I was exhausted. I didn't want, I didn't want to be bothered. I can be, I can be a bear when I'm woken up from my sleep. But just let that be a lesson to us that in the middle of any circumstance, regardless of what it is, you have the opportunity. If you know your needs and especially if you're married or in a relationship, you know your partner's needs, because I knew my needs, my Britney's needs were so high. In certainty, I have the opportunity to show up and give her that. Yeah, in the whole scenario, end of itself is now blessed us. We are way better today than we have been. We've been in a good place, but we're extra connected today, extra lovingly and gentle with one another because of that. Yeah, so it builds patience.
Speaker 1:I love that and as we kind of wrap up and and kind of tie a bow on this, when you think about this, when you know what your human needs are, first and foremost it gives you the self-awareness so you can show it for others. But think about the level of consciousness and kindness that Josh was able to do for Brittany because you recognize it in that moment, she need to have a need met soon and that that's really how you build deeper relationship. Now what could have happened, what probably happens more times and we can possibly count and a lot of relationships that are struggling with connection. They create conflict.
Speaker 1:In those moments Josh could have rolled over, dismissed her and said you know, it's just a dream, just dream, go back to sleep, it's not a big deal. Dreams are stupid. Dreams are stupid, they're not real, it doesn't mean anything. And then that insecurity builds and as that insecurity builds, it goes into the morning. Now the Frustration, irritation and the fear expands to be more. Insecurity starts to develop and now there's even more of a need that's not being met. Josh is now busy because he's got a busy day, he's got stuff he's got to do, but he doesn't connect. He doesn't recognize that Brittany's got a need that is unmet, so creates more conflict, more separation and eventually it's gonna create this feeling where she doesn't feel like she can get her needs met with Josh, which potentially could have other consequences on the relationship.
Speaker 2:So so, conflict not rectified with connection, mm-hmm, gives conflict the opportunity to mature, and that's exactly what would have happened today would be completely different. We probably being a very deep conflict, like you meant, like you said, which I use the word conflict. You guys have heard this, but we'd likely be in a fight, a quote-unquote fight. We go, we pick out our gloves and it just that that cliff is steep and the fall is is as far, yeah, so yeah, I'm really grateful it worked out the way that it did, but we had to choose that the moment I love that.
Speaker 1:I love that. So number one is you got to know your order, first and foremost, your six human needs that come in an Order. Their fluid, depending on the dynamic or the domain that you're in could be a relationship or work. They're gonna have a different order. But first and foremost, you got to know your number one. Number two, so that you can identify when your needs are being met or not being met. Also, that goes directly into if you're in a romantic relationship. You need to know your partner's. Number one. Number two that allows you to have a healthy Confrontation and healthy conversation so you can create better connection.
Speaker 1:After you know your order, you got to understand your roadmap. And so how are you meeting your needs? In a healthy way or unhealthy way? And I think the unhealthy way might be easier to identify. Yeah, early, early on in this process. But you need to understand is your roadmap, your blueprint, your process, your template? Is it healthy or not? Because it's not getting what you want? Let's see effectiveness question that pastor always does how's that working for you? How's that working for you? So, if your human needs are not being met because you have an unhealthy template, change the template. It's as simple as that, understand your needs. First and foremost, understand is your template being, is your temple getting you the effectiveness that you want, the results that you want? And then the third part is have the consciousness to recognize how your human needs are affecting your relationship, because they certainly are.
Speaker 2:They'll show up every day of your relationship, every day of your life. I love that very powerful word today, and so we're grateful to be with you guys. Take this to heart. Listen to the podcast again I know you're gonna need to jot down notes get to understand yourself, understand your roadmaps and understand how those are woven together, especially if you're in a relationship boom.
Speaker 1:Much love, many blessings. Talk soon Peace. The off the podcast get back to the fucking mental lab.