The High Value Man Conversation

The HVMC: s3 ep12:Reigniting the Spark: Building Sustainable Romance and Connection

Erin Alejandrino & Josh Lashua Season 3 Episode 12

Ever wondered why the flame of romance seems to flicker out with time?

In our latest podcast episode, we dive deep into the mysteries of enduring love, offering to reignite that glow with proven strategies and innovative tools.

In this episode, we uncover the transformative power of understanding and speaking your partner's love language, laying the groundwork for a connection that is not only unique but also eternally resonant.

Join us as we guide you through a comprehensive exploration of maintaining the flame of love, ensuring your romantic connection thrives over the long haul.

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Speaker 1:

This is the High Value man Conversation Podcast, a show dedicated to the mission of building high value men, men that are courageous, committed and uncompromising in their pursuit of greatness. You run the day and stop having them run you.

Speaker 2:

Monday get better, tuesday get better, wednesday get better.

Speaker 1:

Everybody's good when they're not tired.

Speaker 2:

Champions is when they're tired. That's when the real champions come out the next day. Get up, get up, get up, get up, keep going. Win. I'm going to win, as far away from these dreams as you think you are.

Speaker 1:

One great man means a great family, a great neighborhood, a better city, community state and the world. The question is if not you, then who? Welcome back to the High Valley man Conversation. This episode is about the hot, steamy, wonderful roses and romance. This is the romance episode we're going to dive into what builds romance, why so many guys stop doing the romantic things after they get into a season of relationship and how to reignite with some practical tactical tools. There's even a spreadsheet in there that is doesn't sound romantic, but for us logical guys is a really good way for you to stay on top of igniting and developing romance in your romantic relationship.

Speaker 2:

This is a big one. So romance is what keeps our relationships. It has our relationships, aaron, that fun, the playfulness, the emotional connection, the fire that keeps us about each other in the beginning. But, like you mentioned, romance is one of those things that guys, historically, are not so great at. We have lots of romance in the beginning and then we can often check that box and then move on to other things. We wonder why relationships reflect that. Romance is the key to you having the relationship of your dreams period. It's the key to you having the relationship of your dreams. So, guys, grab a seat, grab a pencil, grab a glass of water. This is one that you want to listen to a couple times over, because it's going to help you get from wherever you are in your relationship to where you want to be.

Speaker 1:

I love that. So let's just talk about the elephant in the room. Why would you want to have romance?

Speaker 2:

in your life. Romance is what makes it fun. Romance gives you that feeling, not just of accomplishment, but that feeling of connection, that feeling of being drawn towards one another. We can often think of romance this way when a relationship is new. We've all dated someone at some point and can think of the first couple weeks of it, when we're on fire about each other. Like I can't wait to talk to you again. I'm sending you text messages, I'm going out and getting flowers, I can't wait for our next date. Like I know she's at work and I want to talk to her, but I can't wait till she gets off, just so I can buzz her and catch up with her. I want to hear about her day. It's the fun, playful, exciting part of relationship. And nobody says that has to go away. We allow it to go away.

Speaker 2:

So what is romance? Romance is the reason we even get in a relationship. Yeah, ever so good, it's so huge, it's essential. It's essential in our relationships. It helps us feel close. It helps us feel connected. We have this feeling of acceptance when we're in relationship, specifically when the romance is right. That helps us feel that way. Romance helps us foster intimacy, and intimacy for men is something that is often difficult, generally speaking, but for the reasons of the way that we're designed to be, romance and relationship helps us create that intimacy and relationship that we'll never have with any other individual. You'll never have that level of intimacy and connection with your business partners, the people that you sell to the guys in your circle, that you run with your old ball friend from high school or college. You'll never have that same emotional connection and feeling that you'll have with your spouse or partner when you do it right and when romance is the center, focus of it Sex.

Speaker 1:

I'm going to just consolidate everything that Josh said. And so, as the single guy in a dynamic in the relationship, sex is a motivating factor for most men and most of the guys that I coach and we coach, I'd say one of the things they want more of is sex. They want more physical intimacy in the dynamic of the relationship. Without romance, sex doesn't happen long-term. It's just the truth, because romance is the intentional pursuit of your partner that sets the safety, security, the intimacy and the closeness and the connection that allows sexual relations to blossom. So without doing the work from a romantic standpoint, the intentional effort, the consistent romantic effort, sex dries up?

Speaker 2:

Yeah, it does, and the experience of it completely changes, aaron. A lot of marriages, when romance isn't on the forethought of a man and it's not happening frequently I'm talking about romance as in the emotional connection, the intellectual connection, the spiritual connection then the sexual connection can often start to feel more like duty. You start to have this duty sex between one another versus that hot, high, satisfactory, fun, playful, all about each other, that Hollywood type sex which is certainly available to us. I say that as I raise my hand, being over 10 years into my relationship and that's what I get to live out. It's not a pat on my back, it's just I've done the work. What we're going to give you today to have that in relationship and have it successfully, I think we all want that. Yes.

Speaker 1:

I think we do Wholeheartedly. And again, it just goes back to the fact that we talked to hundreds of men and one of their primary needs they want a romantic relationship is that sexual intimacy and connection. Well, if it's lacking, it's because you're not doing something from an intentional standpoint or you stopped doing something. So we had a previous episode. We talked about the bulletproof breakup guide. What you need to do as a high value man in relationship really all comes down to consistency. What did you do in the beginning of the relationship that you stopped doing somewhere along the way? We're going to get in those tools the date night, the hot sheet in order to really develop and understand curiosity with your partner, but the things that you do as a man consistently over time is going to develop the romance and develop your intimacy.

Speaker 2:

That's so true. The foundation of romance, aaron, is pursuit. Just to give the answer, it's pursuit. What romance requires is your pursuit. It has to take the cake.

Speaker 2:

So what is pursuit? Pursuit is awareness and effort. Pretty simple Pursuit is awareness and effort. Awareness is getting to know our partner and then continuing to get to know our partner, being aware of their wants, being aware of their needs, being aware of their desires, what makes them tick, understanding them. Everybody evolves throughout their life, especially if you've been in a relationship long term. So we'll say anything over a year. Everybody continues to evolve and so what your spouse liked a year ago or five years ago or 10 years ago has certainly evolved or changed since then. It is up to us to be aware of these things, to continue to get to know our partner, and then you marry that with effort.

Speaker 2:

Effort is something you can control. To the end of the day, you control two things in your life. You've heard us preach this and we'll continue to preach it. You can control your attitude and your effort period. So having a great attitude will certainly help you gain momentum in your relationship, but it's the effort piece. Gain momentum in your relationship, but it's the effort piece we have to be aware of our partner and put massive effort behind it. That is pursuit. If you pursue your partner, try it, go, do it. Just talking about the fruit, the ROI that we get, as far as what that can produce for us is day and night.

Speaker 1:

I love what you said. So awareness pursuit is awareness and effort. So if you think about awareness, that means you're staying curious of who your partner is. It means you're not coming home and applying the same mechanics, the same rules touch here, pat there and just expect a certain outcome without actually understanding who that person is, because we're constantly changing, just like you said. So staying curious, being in that curious mode just like you were in the beginning of the relationship because, again, we're always changing I think that's the one thing that probably ends up getting a little stale in a relationship is because you stop dating your person and so you end up feeling like you already know them, you already know what to expect. So many guys get blindsided in the relationship when she's like, hey, I want a separation, we should go to counseling, I'm not happy because they're not staying curious and staying aware of the partner.

Speaker 2:

I love that. One of the things I hear so often in our coaching settings, aaron, is and this is a this is a stalemate comment across the board but men so often will tell their, tell their partner or tell their spouse you know I love you, don't? You know I love you? And that's just a picture of we've come into relationship. We had massive pursuit in the beginning and we've become stale. We've allowed that to be shifted from our forethought to an afterburner type of thing. So often our spouse literally just wants, wants to know that they're loved yeah, they. So often our spouse literally just wants to know that they're loved. They want to know this whole. So if you say you know I love you, let's cut that out of vocabulary. Show me that you do, tell me that you do.

Speaker 2:

Women need to hear on a frequent basis what they mean to us, that they're valuable, that they're desired, that they're beautiful, that all these things that women are. They need to hear it and they also need to be shown it through whether it's acts of service for you, doing things for her around the house, seeking her, pursuing her, but again, scheduling the dates. You have to schedule the dates. I don't care if you have 14 kids. It's still up to you Schedule the dates, protect the time that you set out for each other. You prioritize what you protect and you protect what you prioritize. So if romance is something that you want in your relationship, whether you've been together two weeks or 20 years, you have to make sure it comes through. And that comes through making the decision of dating, getting to know and seeing it through, and it takes lots of effort.

Speaker 1:

I love that. You touched on something that I think every guy should have in his arsenal, and that's the love languages. So there's five love languages. They are acts of service. This is doing things for your partner in the house. There's gifts, and so you're actually physically giving them a gift. There are words of affirmation I love you, you're beautiful, you're meaningful to me. There is physical touch.

Speaker 1:

A lot of guys think physical touch is romance and love, but there's so many more layers to that. We have a hold hand. Just pat love. You know, massage is non-sexual. And then what am I forgetting? Quality time. Quality time, and so being intentionally present with your partner. That means phone aside, date night, the kids are off at the sitters, you're fully present. You've done the planning for the dates, and so these are the five love languages. You can get the book, read it, understand what yours is, but also know what your partner's is. This is going to increase that curiosity, the awareness so partners is. This is going to increase that curiosity, the awareness so you can love her in her language, rather than assuming that by you doing something, paying the bills or showing up that she is feeling loved by you.

Speaker 2:

That's so huge. And for all of our quality times, time guys out there because I'm I'm one of those. If you or your spouse is a quality time person, take this to heart. Proximity is not presence, so proximity is not presence. Presence is tech-free, presence is belly to belly. It's intimacy of eye connection, it's being with you, having dialogue, not monologue, having dialogue and then you can add in some of the other items. But if you have a quality time person that you're with or your quality time, realize that you've got to put the devices away. You've got to get intimate connection with somebody. That's eye level and that's that's touching.

Speaker 2:

What I love about that Aaron is is this was such a big insight for me years and years ago when I, when I took my, when I read that book and he took my test because naturally we love the way that we want to be loved, mm-hmm. So, as a quality time, touch man. That's how I love people. When, when I am spending time with an individual again, whether it's guys in my life or my spouse but my spouse specifically is when I'm being with her and I'm and I'm touching on her non-sexually, so that's not the bathing suit areas that I'm loving on her. Well, it so happens, in God's humor, that my wife is a words of affirmation person and she's also a gifts person. So I'm loving her with my presence, I'm loving her with my touch, and she likes those things.

Speaker 2:

But are they filling her up? No, I've got to go out of my way to love on her with my words, text messages throughout the day that I'm thinking about her, that she's beautiful, what she means to me, calling her randomly or just telling her listen, I've thought about you all day. I just want you to know you're on my mind. It means more to her than just my presence and my touch. And specifically because she's words of affirmation, aaron, I historically have written my wife a card and mailed it to her house, and that is a way that fills her love bank in a way that most of my other actions and acts for her can't. If she gets a card in the mail from me when I could have put it on the counter that I went to the time to write it, in short, went to time to write it and mail it to us, it's been a huge ROI in our relationship.

Speaker 1:

I love that. So that's your step one in the how to be a romantic man and lead in your relationship is get the book the five love languages, know what your love language is, know what your partner's love language is and start to intentionally pursue your partner with her love languages. How else can we develop romance in our relationship?

Speaker 2:

So romance is fostered by consistency. So for any of us that maybe we're getting into a relationship or we've been in a relationship a long time, things can start to feel stale. We can do a few things and immediately most men go. Well, you know, I wrote you a card, I bought you some flowers, I took you to dinner last Friday night. Where's my sex?

Speaker 2:

But romance is is fostered through consistency. So one understanding how your spouse wants to be loved or your partner wants to be loved, loving them in a way that they want to be loved, and doing that consistently throughout the weeks and the months, years, years. I love this. Women are like a flower. It's part of the polarity that they bring to a relationship. If you'll consistently romance them, you will see them like a flower does the way that they open up. They're more beautiful, they're more tender, they're soft, they're playful. They bring to our relationship things that a man never could. But through consistency of romance, which is consistency of pursuit, you will see your spouse blossom in front of you. You may get a taste in your relationship that you've never had before, because you consistently chose to do these things.

Speaker 1:

I love that. Love language is consistency. One tool you guys gave me as I was in my relationship season I call it the hot sheet. And I think the hot sheet is just such a tactical way for you to stay current with your partner and stay curious. Tactical way for you to stay current with your partner and stay curious.

Speaker 1:

And so what the hot sheet is? It's all of your partner's likes, dislikes shoe size, lululemon size, favorite restaurants, how she likes her food, how she likes her steak cook, like all those little details that you accumulate over time. That allows you to stay current, present and curious. Josh is pulling up his hot sheet, but the hot sheet is a tactical tool that you should be building in the early stages of a relationship because over the years you can reference that man, her favorite date night in the first couple of weeks, favorite spot, first kiss, that we had all those little moments and being able to reference that throughout the relationship not only keeps you front of mind and constantly romancing her, but it also makes her feel very pursued and very important.

Speaker 2:

I love that. It's so intricate. So I've had seven concussions and so my short-term memory is pretty much garbage. But regardless, if you're in a relationship, if you're married, this hot sheet is this is a key, this is a key man. So you may or may not be able to see this, but I have an iPhone and in my contacts is my wife. At the bottom of the contacts you can start, you can put notes in there, and so I just started doing this 10 years ago of when Brits would mention a certain size of her Lululemons and she would mention her shoe size, her ring size, to the concerts that she wants to go see, just in conversation. To the way that she would text me on the way home and I'm hey, I'm grabbing Starbucks, do you like anything? Oh, yeah, I want this.

Speaker 2:

I would copy and paste it into my contact notes and so that's become my hot sheet is I've got everything in there that Britt's ever mentioned. It's her favorite flowers, gifts that she saw. We're in certain financial seasons and she's had gifts that are bougie, and so when we get there, it may be years since she said something, but I know exactly what it is. I save it to a T and it's a great way for us, as men, to never miss it, not just when Valentine's day comes around, because don't make that the one day you romance your spouse, right but throughout the year when I want to bless her, when I want to love on her. I've got this sheet that I literally it's a, it's a cheat sheet. Yep, go in and I can't miss. Yeah, that's so good.

Speaker 1:

Husband hack. Husband hack, yeah, no, I love that because it's such a tactical way for you to stay consistent with it. There's another tool that you guys coach on, but it's finding something to be grateful for with your partner every single day. So creating that same type of list, no-transcript. Tab two is finding all the things that you love about your person. You get into relationship season after a little while. It's very easy to find things you're critical about, things you don't like. You wish it was different, and you can build that list almost automatically and just reference it, and what you think about what you say consistently ends up being the relationship that you have. And so having the things that you're grateful for every single day, listen out something that is a benefit to the relationship which you're grateful for, what you're happy about, what you love, about what you appreciate, and then being able to share that with them.

Speaker 2:

And that shifts everything. That really shifts everything. Tony Robbins says where focus goes, energy flows. So I always want my focus to be on the things about Brittany that I adore about her, and I know we both have our morning schedules. Part of my morning schedule is after my morning study. I get up at 4 am, I do two hours of morning study and then I go straight to my ice bath. And so when I'm in my ice bath, which is typically four to five minutes, I'm going through my gratitudes. I'm grateful for the breath in my lungs, I'm grateful that God has called me to be around great men, but I'm also very grateful for the mom that she is and how she allows me to pursue her, how she puts up with my nonsense. These things I'm grateful for. So you're right. So seeding that from your conscious into your unconscious on a daily basis will help us, when we see our partner, our spouse, to see the best in them. Yes, sometimes even when the worst is displayed, because life will happen A hundred percent.

Speaker 1:

That is a key right there. Yep, that's absolutely it. I'd say. The next piece is date night, and you speak on this because date night is a non-negotiable, in the beginning part of relationship. No one starts a relationship commitment without dating right, and so you get to know somebody. You've got date you as the man. By the way, if you don't know this already, it's your job to schedule, plan and prepare for the date. It's not just dinner and drinks, no, you're doing something fun and interesting and engaging and so being able to actually date your person. What you do in the beginning, you do throughout the entire relationship, making a date night a non-negotiable part of the week.

Speaker 2:

It has to be. There's too many things in our life that are reaching and grabbing onto our margin. I mean our bandwidth is so, especially today's age, our bandwidth is so thin with everything that's requiring our responsibility. There's a consequence to that. So, again, brittany and I teach so we teach this also is that you protect what you prioritize, you prioritize what you protect, and so if your relationship is something that you prioritize, you've got to have time outlined on your calendar Frequently.

Speaker 2:

By the way, one a month isn't going to do it for you. Brittany and I have two a month. We have other date nights. We go with couples, but specifically for us. We've got a babysitter for our kids and it's just her and I are twice a month. We have our favorite sushi restaurant that we go to. We love. We live in Dallas. If you're outside the town, we love going right in scooters. It's going right in scooters. It's like the cheapest, most fun date. We'll go do it, we'll do scooter rides, and it brings out the 12 year old in both of us. So just knowing what your spouse likes, knowing what you like, allowing that authentic version of yourself to be projected so that your spouse can see your own polarity and then making sure that you're protecting that more than once a month, once a month and again, if you don't have any kids, make it once a week, depending on what you can do, but it's something you have to prioritize and protect. That's part of the pursuit piece I love that All right.

Speaker 1:

So we're going to recap the tools for you. Number one go read the book the five love languages. Know what your love language is, know what your partner's love language is and start to love her in her language, not your love language. Build out a hot sheet. This can be a spreadsheet, it can be the notepad. It can be the notepad, it can be in your iPhone contacts. But start to take notes of all the things that are important to your partner Shoe size that's even like lingerie and bra size, her dress sizes, favorite concerts, favorite song, favorite music, the vacations she eventually wants to go on. Put all those details in so you can bring them back up as you get into the seasons of the relationship.

Speaker 1:

Presence is not about proximity. And so put the phone aside on date night. You're scheduling date nights on a regular basis weekly, at least bi-monthly and on those dates you have planned, you've prepared, you've taken control, you're setting the tone, taking the lead. You're not just coming home and saying, hey, I know, tonight's date night, where do you want to go? That is the fastest, most effective way for you to destroy romance in a relationship.

Speaker 2:

Yeah, for sure I love that, let's. Let's give the guys also this easy color scale, okay. So so Aaron and I are teaching, are going to teach you how to have romance in pursuit in your relationship. So there's this color scale, aaron. That goes from orange, excuse me, to purple. Okay, I'm sorry, yep, purple, orange. See, I'm a man so I went right for orange.

Speaker 2:

Orange is sex. So green, purple and orange. What green is is a great friendship. It's a non-sexual way. We're spending time together. We enjoy spending time together. It's pursuit of one another on a friendship. It's supporting one another in our dreams, maybe supporting one another around the house, whether it's watching the kids or cleaning a car, whatever it may be. And so that is what green is. It's hugs, it's playfulness and it's support. So that is the green portion and that's a little easier because we enter into that. We're in that in most days of our life.

Speaker 2:

Purple, on the other hand, is romance. Purple is sensual but not sexual, especially with our touch. It's intimacy, it's pursuits, it's date nights when we're spending time and intentionality with one another. Kissing, even showers together can be part of purple. And this is light petting, again, non-sexual. We're starting to get there, but we're missing that piece. It's a non-sexual way of just to be together. You'll experience more of those feelings of connection and more emotion in those areas.

Speaker 2:

And then there's orange, and so orange is the one that men like to focus on the most. This is sexual, so this is sex itself. This is playfulness. This is where foreplay is. This is also where the hot sex comes in, and also you can experience multiple orgasms. That's where where this happens.

Speaker 2:

But on the scale of these colors, from green to purple to orange, see them as a fluid scale, right. So you like green, dark light, green to dark green light, purple to royal light, orange, to will say rust orange, the more time I re, or fiery orange, the more time we spend in the green, making sure we're supporting our partner. Doing the things domestically to help them, supporting them, being friends with them, gives us an opportunity to then stack on top of it the purple and, as we're doing, our purple again. This is non-sexual, but this is the pursuit. This is the pursuit.

Speaker 2:

A sweet hand in the morning as you're giving hugs, a longer kiss in the morning, maybe before you leave the house. Text message the other day hey, the way your hair looked, the way you snowed when I left. That's the pursuit piece. Even so, longer kisses. So a 10 second kiss is a great way to start releasing these chemicals that are bonding for us, and women love this, they need it. So one of my favorite purples, aaron and I do this to my wife often is before I leave the house.

Speaker 2:

I'll literally take her and I'll push her up against the wall and I'll lay a 10-second I mean a kiss on her and I'll literally just walk away like Big Papi you know, every time I've done that, I always get a message or a call later like, man, you got me, you got me going, come back home like no girl, you gotta wait, you gotta wait, yeah. And so that's really, really strong purple and then getting showers and things like that that are non-sexual, just being together as a purple. Most men miss the purple. Yeah, we're great rain and they want the orange. We're so good at bringing great support and things we're providing, we're protecting, but then we want the orange at the end of the day.

Speaker 2:

But we miss the purple and that's why we want to take time today to highlight romance. It is the hinge that orange swings on. If you want deep, rustic, hot, burnt orange type of sex and experiences with a partner, we've got to hit the purple Love that. So keep those colors in mind. Yeah, when you're around your spouse, you're doing things to your partner for your person. Is this a green thing? Is this a purple thing? Is this an orange thing? If I want great orange, then I've got to have good green, but I've got to have great purple.

Speaker 1:

I love that. And again to recap, purple is the pursuit, the intentional, consistent pursuit, romantic pursuit of your partner doing what you did at the beginning of the relationship, all throughout the relationship learn the love languages, build out your hot sheet, prioritize date night where you're fully present Phones are away because proximity is not presence and make sure you continuously pursue in the purple. So you're going to have that red fiery hot orange. Fiery hot orange. Did it? Love it, much love, many blessings and we'll talk to you guys soon. Boom we off the podcast, get back to the fucking mental lab.