The High Value Man Conversation
The High Value Man gets what he wants from WOMEN, WORK AND THE WORLD OF MEN. He's confident, charismatic, creative and collaborative and it all begins with High Value Conversations. Have a listen to this weeks High Value Conversation.
Hosted By:
Erin Alejandrino & Josh Lashua
The High Value Man Conversation
This Is How You Get Over A Breakup As A Man - HVMP S3 EP BONUS
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We have all had our hearts broken, it is a universal experience that we as men will always have...
But did you know that by applying the advice you will hear in today's episode. Can you not only save your relationship if you are still in one but also come out stronger than ever from a breakup?
Whether you're going through a breakup or supporting a friend, this is an episode you won't want to miss.
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Starting over isn't really as bright and green and sunny as most men think it is.
Speaker 2:That means that she has to be able to trust your behaviors, your actions, that you're consistent, you're a man of integrity, you do what you say you're going to do. You follow through, you don't quit and you stick it out, even when it's difficult and hard. You don't change. If the man doesn't change, nothing changes.
Speaker 1:We wonder why, oh why is it so difficult? Because we wonder why, oh why is it so difficult? Because it's not in my view, it's in my rear view mirror. You can't live your life that way.
Speaker 2:Otherwise you're going to. This is the High Value man Conversation Podcast, a show dedicated to the mission of building high value men. One great man means a great family, a great neighborhood, a better city, community state and the world. The question is, if not you, then who? Welcome back to the High Vibe man conversation. This is a special edition episode. We're titling this Bulletproof Breakup what you need to do to be able to lead in your relationship, develop trust, lust and desire, and repair and mend, if you happen to be in the doghouse. It's going to be a tactical episode. We're going to talk about the who, the what and the why. What builds a strong relationship, and a shocking statistic that most people don't know in regards to marriage, separation, divorce and how the odds are really stacked against you if you don't get it right.
Speaker 1:The first time. It's such a big deal. Every man has a desire to succeed in life. I think, generally speaking, aaron, we can all come to an agreement on that, but specifically, when we get into relationship, most men miss it. And where do they miss it? It comes down to these items we're going to hit. We're going to walk through each and every piece of it that you need your template to walk away with so you can be successful in your next relationship. If you're looking forward, if you're scoping and hoping, man, we're with you. Or if you're already in a relationship or married and you want to get off the rocks, you want connection. You want to feel like you're on the same team with your spouse. You want to be respected in your home. This is the key to do it and I look forward to going deep.
Speaker 2:Let's go so. When we were first discussing this episode, one of the statistics that we were talking about is that we've heard this before Marriage 50% of marriages end in divorce, and so you know this is almost a widely accepted fact, but the truth of the matter is that the statistic is not totally accurate. 50% of first marriages end in divorce. Your second marriage, it jumps up to about 65%. Third marriages and beyond you're looking 65% to 70%, and so the data that you can pull from this is that you actually have a less likely chance of a successful marriage if you do it again, and so this episode is really designed for those people that are maybe facing separation or are stepping into the dating field specifically so you know what to avoid, how to really seek out an ideal partner based on core values and lead in the home in such a way so that you're not repeating the same mistake over and over again.
Speaker 1:I love that. We've recently talked about attitude and effort. If you haven't seen this podcast, go back and listen to it. But we talked about when you're on flight, when you have vision in your life and you're attempting to go from point A to point B, the attitude and the effort that helps you get there that there really is no true opportunity for a man to decide.
Speaker 1:Man, this isn't working out for me. This is harder than I thought it would be. The headwind is stronger than I thought it might be, and men will decide to literally abandon ship. Pull the ripcord. Pull the ripcord, attempt to abandon ship. Think I've got a pack on, I can parachute out of this. Maybe starting over is the best choice for me.
Speaker 1:Yet the statistics say that by sticking it out and figuring it out together, that your chances of not only satisfaction, but your chances of your relationship making it are much higher if you're willing to do the work. And so that's what we have to realize today is that starting over isn't really as bright and green and sunny as most men think it is. So, regardless of your circumstance, your relational situation now, if you're in a relationship, sticking it out, figuring it out, gives you a higher chance, based on research, to get to the finish line, to have a satisfactory relationship, to be respected in your home, to be the leader that you're called to be, and so that's what men want. We have a need to be respected, you have a need to be respected, and this is how you do it. It's not by quitting and starting over. It's by taking what you have, making the best of it, figuring it out, getting around people that understand what to do, and utilizing the templates and putting them to work.
Speaker 2:So good, so good. There's that adage the grass is always greener on the other side, but the truth of the matter, the grass is greener where you water it, and so your next relationship isn't going to be better if you're not making yourself better in your current relationship. That's the training ground for it. So you've got an equation, josh, and I think this is a great place to start off in this conversation. But X plus Y equals Z, and so when we think about a relationship dynamic your X and your Y creating the result that you're looking for drop into that a little bit.
Speaker 1:Yeah. So men, generally speaking, are logic thinkers, and so it's easy for us to conceptualize the principle of X plus Y equals Z. This literally works in every area of our life. If it walks like a duck, if it quacks like a duck, it's a duck. And so X plus Y equals Z, is X and Y are what we represent in our relationships. Going back to our chromosomes, my wife is an XX, I'm an XY, but together, as my wife and I create a home and a relationship in our marriage, the Z at the end is the outcome that we get from that equation. So my wife is in control of her XY, the outcome that we get from that equation. So my wife is in control of her XY, I'm in control of my XX, and together we have this outcome, this same team feeling within our household we call the lashuas. And so what we have to realize as men is that your relationship circumstance right now, if it's rough, if it's difficult, if you feel like you got a strong headwind, your relationship circumstance right now is being held captive by your beliefs, by your beliefs. So what we have to do is we have to dig deep into what we currently believe.
Speaker 1:We all live by a model of templates. Whether we realize it or not. Typically, by default, men just live. You're still living out templates, but are there templates that work? X plus Y equals Z. Control what you can, control your attitude and your efforts. So if we represent the Y, aaron and whoever else represents the X, whether it's a business partner, whether it's another man in our life, whether it's our spouse that represents the X, we control the Y. So if Y changes in the XY scenario, z always changes. So if Y is getting better all the time, then regardless of who X is or what X brings to the table, x plus Y equals Z. As you get better, your outcome will get better. The Z will get better.
Speaker 2:Yes, there's this book that we read in our men's group, our men alike group, recently GS Youngblood, masculine and Relationships, and he says if you don't change the man doesn't change, nothing changes. So you might think that by starting over, the grass is greener. Second marriage, second relationship, quitting, pulling the ripcord and just like searching for something new, you might think that it's going to get better. But the truth of the matter is you are driver, the driver in that relationship, every relationship that you're in. You are bringing your core values, your beliefs, your habits, your actions, and if you don't improve nothing, will improve.
Speaker 1:Nothing improves. You have a better chance of losing altitude because you're not changing so good.
Speaker 2:So good. So I want to touch on the topic of what separates just briefly. What brings people to that point of separation? And you guys are going to go back and look at your previous episodes. You know conflict resolution, better communication, your ability to really bring your best. But let's say that the person watching this right now is at the point in the relationship where they're considering divorce, separation. Maybe they're in the doghouse. How do you mend something like that?
Speaker 1:How do you mend a relationship to bring it back to a center point so you can get the Z that you ultimately designed yourself with when you first got into a relationship? That's a really solid question because most men contemplate this, most men. If half of marriages are more ending in divorce, that means most men are considering this and trying to figure out how to answer this question. What it comes down to is women's number one need in life is security. A man's number one need in life is respect, in order to create security. Security is a byproduct of a man that lives honorably, of a man that lives a life worth respecting. So even the Bible talks about how a woman ought to have.
Speaker 1:The template of a wife is to submit to her husband. But then we often write off the following verses but the verse afterwards tells us that we are to live as Christ lived, and Christ lived in a way where he was willing to die for the church. So you have to live a life and choose to live a life. This is a choice that we make once in our life and spend the rest of our lives managing it Is. Do we live a life that we are willing to die for the cause, die for our spouse, die for our marriage. And if you're willing to live that way, you create a life of honor, a life of excellence, a life of generosity, a life that's healthy spirit, soul and body. And when a man starts to live that out, and live it out day to day, to day to day, we create consistency. So a life of honor, a life of respect over the time of consistency creates for a woman security.
Speaker 1:So if you want to change how your wife sees you, if you want to change how maybe your spouse or your partner sees you, then you've got to start changing yourself. It's all good and it doesn't happen overnight, my goodness. If you make a change now, give it six months, right, give it six months, my goodness. If you make a change now, give it six months, right, give it six months, give it a year and see if your sphere doesn't start to follow you. A man creates a draft in his life. Yeah, wherever we're going our vision, our values, as we talk about whatever we're creating we start to go in a certain direction and we create a draft behind us. It's the draft that you're creating, one that your wife wants to get in.
Speaker 2:So good. So if you're facing separation, divorce, possibility of a new relationship, step number one is you have to be a man of integrity, of honor. Build your self-respect, first and foremost, so that those around you can respect you. Woman's number one need safety and security. That means that she has to be able to trust your behaviors, your actions, that you are consistent. You're a man of integrity. You do what you say you're going to do. You follow through, you don't quit and you stick it out even when it's difficult and hard.
Speaker 1:Predictability. Women like predictability. Now don't get me wrong, there is something to the bad boy. There's something to the bad boy. The bad boy is a guy who understands polarity. Men are very different from women and women are drawn to that. We're stronger, we're typically more decisive, we're more analytical, we make decisions and we put action to that. That creates the polarity of masculinity that women are initially drawn to, while at the same time because their need is safety and security is, we also need to be predictable.
Speaker 1:They need to look at our lives and go he's the same in the house as he is in the marketplace, as he is with our kids, as he is with his friends at church and to understand that who you are is who you say, that you are so good. And that's a powerful question. I look men that I coach in the eyes all the time and I literally will ask him are you who you say that you are? And, in the deep down, the core of who they are, most men say no. We have this projected reality, we have our actual reality and until we choose to make those come together, yeah, which honestly it's, it's authenticity. Yeah, choosing to authentically be who you are gives us the ability to be that yeah, yeah.
Speaker 2:Now I love that and that the process of consistency in who you are at the beginning of the relationship and who you are the middle and towards the end, like that's the most important piece. You might show up as the knighting, shining armor, date night, prioritizing relationship, doing all those sweet romantic things that's the next episode we're going to be filming is romance. But if you're not consistent with it, that's what breaks the security that breaks the need for for our ladies and it ends up showing as a way like, oh man, I can't really trust this because this Cause he used to do that thing, but he no longer does the thing.
Speaker 1:Yeah, yeah, and that, honestly, that that plays into most relationships. It's hot and heavy and fun in the beginning. You're getting to know one another. You're truly pursuing to get to get to understand. I want to know who you are, what's your, not just your favorite color and your favorite flowers, but what, what makes you tick as a woman? Women We'll get to know them and then we start to do some life together. Six months goes by, a year, two or three, before you know it we've kind of written off that pursuit side and men start to get focused on other things, on the marketplace, on our careers, what we think and feel is most important at that moment, the accolades we start to chase. And what happens is we back burner. We put on the back burner our relationships, our marriages, and we wonder why, oh why, is it so difficult? Because it's not. In my view, it's in my rearview mirror. You can't live your life that way, otherwise you're gonna, you're gonna have the garden you're, you're taking care of and clearly you're not, yeah, so so good.
Speaker 2:so first step if you are in a relationship facing separation or divorce, the first thing you need to do is develop a self-respect by being consistent with the things that you're doing. In the beginning of the relationship, make sure you're prioritizing your health, your fitness, your nutrition. You have a healthy circle of men around you that are holding you accountable, so you're not drifting. What I love about our relationship so much is we have intrusive accountability. That's what you have when you have high-value men around you. Build yourself and stick to it. I love what you said six months, just because you do something for one day, one week, does not mean you are a changed man. You need to be consistent with the behavior, the action. Start doing that and watch how it shifts your relationship.
Speaker 1:That's huge and a big piece of that is again you'll hear me reference the Bible often, because the Bible is literally the book of wisdom is that the Bible says love is two things Love is patient, love is kind. It also goes on the list, all these things that love is not. But, as men, if we can focus on what it is, what is love? Love is patient, love is kind. And the hard part about that is men have a difficulty loving themselves. First, we have to be patient with ourself. We have to even be kind with ourself.
Speaker 1:That doesn't mean you don't deserve a swift kick in the tail every now and then, because as men, a lot of us do. But generally speaking, if we can love ourselves, be kind with ourselves, then we have the ability to gift that to our spouse, to be kind with them, to be patient with them. That creates a sense of security, that creates a sense of consistency where a woman can then decide yes, I can submit to a man because it's safe for me. I know what to expect out of him. He may take risks, but I know that I'm not really going to be the one to take a fall if he makes a business risk or if he does something like that, he's still fallible, so good so good, all right.
Speaker 2:So in your relationship, be consistent, be a man of integrity, surround yourself with great guys, stick at it for six months at minimum and watch the sphere shift. Now I want to talk to the single guys out there. So, before you step into the season of marriage and relationship and picking your next partner another statistic that you know that we're leaning into as we were doing the research on this if 60 to 70% of marriages end in divorce, how many breakups typically happen? Right? So you think about you're in the dating pool and you're like man, she's beautiful, she's attractive, you pursue her and then you break up. You do this over and over and over and over again.
Speaker 2:A big reason why breakups happen, in any capacity, it's not necessarily the.
Speaker 2:It's one thing more than anything it's the fact that you're choosing a wrong partner based on not really knowing who you are, and so that's what we're going to touch on in this next section. So this video is directly for the guys in relationship or outside in that single season. You said hoping and scoping, scoping and hoping, scoping and hoping. So if you're scoping and hoping, if you're on the apps, if you're stepping into the dating field, the first thing that you have to know before you start seeking a partner is who you are as a man. Who are you authentically? What is your vision for your life? Without vision, purpose, plan and a pursuit of something beautiful and big, a relationship is just going to be a distraction. And I say that because if you don't know who you are, what you're designed to do, what your purpose is and you think that a relationship is going to solve it for you, you're going to end up putting way too much emphasis on the relationship and push the relationship away. That's so strong.
Speaker 1:That's so strong. So many men get into relationships because of their own insignificance. They think, if I can get you, if I can be with you, if you and I can build a relationship, the way that you make me feel in those moments helps me feel valuable, so good. And if that becomes your journey, you'll start to realize and some of you may I've been going through relationship to relationship to relationship, because, just like a drug, there's a high and there's a low. There's a high and a low. So in the relationship, out of the relationship, in the relationship out of the relationship, that's a vicious cycle to get sucked into.
Speaker 1:I love that you mentioned this, aaron. I want every guy to hear this. When it comes to choosing someone to link up with, you have to realize that you attract who you are. You attract who you are, which is why it's so important for a man to understand who he is, what his calling is, what his values are, and to get that in place first and then allow a relationship to happen versus just seeking. If you're just seeking a relationship, then you're seeking a feeling.
Speaker 2:Yes, so good, that's 100% right. So our core process number one vision you got to know what you want, where you're going and what a win looks like to you next two years, five years, 10 years. That's your purpose, that's your vision. Core values the second piece of it knowing who you are, what you value, what's most important, what you're willing to die for.
Speaker 2:Defining your core values allows you to live a life of design rather than a life of default. Most guys operate from default. They don't know what their core values are, so they end up getting a life that they don't want. If you don't define your core values, you end up losing consistently because you don't really know who you are. Third one is your victories vision values, victories stacking consistent wins and build your confidence and your competence so you can take on greater challenges, like overcoming your vices and eventually living out your vocation. First and foremost, knowing who you are, what your core values are and stepping into the dating world with a very clear picture of what kind of partner is going to help you reach that vision.
Speaker 1:I love that and that's intricate. If men were to grasp that, if you were to grasp that you can't lose, even when a relationship goes sour, you still can't lose, because who you are isn't shaken. It's just the absolute truth of it and what I love. Aaron, we teach this together. But sabotage ends where mastery begins. So if you want to have mastery in a relationship, you first have to master your own domain, the domains that you just mentioned out. If you get those in bed, then you have get those in bed. If you get those in line, then you have a foundation to build a relationship on.
Speaker 1:A relationship cannot be your foundation. If the relationship is your foundation, everything you put on top of it will crumble. If you understand who you are, you have your vision, you have your values. You have your values, you have your wins that you're stacking daily. My goodness, you'll probably have I mean honestly you would have women coming left and right for you Knocking down the door. You know why? Because you're such a rare deal yes, you're such a rare gem because you've not that you've got your life perfect, but you have an idea and you're consistent. You put a relationship on that foundation and I almost just step out there. This is not research, it's just my feeling of you. Get this in place and you do get in a relationship, you'll probably end up marrying that person. Why? Because of who you are and because of the foundation that you built.
Speaker 2:You can't lose so good. So Dr Glover, who wrote a book no More, mr Nice Guy, did some coaching with him. He describes your pursuit of relationships should first have three layers, like a cake. So imagine you're building a great cake of a life. The bottom layer of the cake is your purpose, your purpose, who you are, what you want to do. The second layer of the cake this is your passion, what you're deeply excited about. The top layer of the cake is the play, what brings you life and joy. Knowing those three things your purpose, your passion and your play allows you then to add the cherry on top of the cake. The cherry is the woman. The cherry is not the foundation of the cake. She doesn't want to be the whole foundation of the cake. She doesn't want to be all three layers. She doesn't want to be your emotional center, your best friend and the only thing that you're interested in. She wants to be along with the adventure, she wants to be a part of it. But she is literally the cherry on top of the cake. That's great. Yeah, that's a takeaway, makes me hungry. Mic drop, walk away, boom.
Speaker 2:One thing I'm doing in this season of singleness is going into the dating world with a very clear picture of the type of partner I'm seeking, what I'm looking for, and so I built out this five by five list and I'll break this down into the comments below. But number one is knowing what your non-negotiables are, and so being able to step into the world of dating and have your non-negotiables dialed in. These are your core values. Knowing what your deal breakers are. So, if they show up in the early phases of dating interaction, knowing that, hey, this is not going to be the best relationship for me, and being able to pull out before you get into the commitment of the relationship, and then your like to haves. Your like to haves typically for most guys and me in the past, were the first things I was looking for man, I'm looking for leggy, I'm looking for athletic, I'm looking for beautiful, but those are the like to haves because the core values are what you build a relationship on.
Speaker 1:Yeah, those ancillaries that you talked about are the cherry on top. They really are, because those things are temporal and they fade. I would love for everyone to be 25 for the rest of their life. It doesn't work out that way. But when you attach yourself to who somebody is, that does, for the most part, stay the same, and if you can link yourself up thinking that way, then you set yourself up for great success. Yeah, great success.
Speaker 2:I love it. So, guys, we wrote out a comprehensive relationship guide and we're going to share it with you. All you got to do is click the link somewhere around this video, download it. It's about 60 pages full color. It's got tactical, practical wisdom If you're in a relationship and facing separation, divorce or breakup. It's got tools and techniques and strategies strategies so you can become the man of value with vision, operating from a state of victories and really living in a way that's a leading and creating fallible excellence.
Speaker 2:Josh has got some aspects in there. Him and his wife run a company called Same Team Forever, and so they know what is needed to actually have a marriage that withstands things like infidelity, things like poor communication, overcoming vices but really supporting each other. So there's so much wisdom in this PDF we have for you guys, and then for you single guys, we're breaking down the five by five your vision, core values, the victories you need to stack so that you can step into the dating world, not looking for the next partner, but bringing the value of who you are as a man.
Speaker 1:That's so huge. That's so huge. I even think about sharing. I'm just going to share for the sake of it. When I was in the dating world, I had hundreds when I say that it's embarrassing, but whatever it is, it's part of my story hundreds of failed relationships and when I was in the with my own victories in life is I decided the non-negotiable and the negotiable list, and I created that for myself and as I was starting relationships with women. They didn't know this, but I had a 90-day we'll call it just a 90-day line in the sand Interview process and it really was. That's what dating is. It is. It's an interview process.
Speaker 1:Typically the first couple weeks when you meet someone, aaron, everything is daisies, roses. Yeah, most people put their best foot forward and so you get to see parts of them that, of course, you want to see. But as you get a little more time in, you'll start to understand who that individual is, what makes them tick, what are their values, and you quickly can figure out whether this is going to be something that you want, someone, someone you want to link up to or not. So, the very few, and it was probably a dozen girls out of the couple hundred that I spent time with, there was about a dozen girls that made it to that 90 day marker, as in they had 80% of what I wanted in a future spouse. But at 90 days I stopped and asked myself a year from now, can I see myself marrying this woman? And 11 of them didn't make it, and I'm grateful for that. And so the reason why I put that in for myself is the longer, Aaron, we're in relationship with an individual let's say you get to six months or a year or several years and you know this individual is 70% there, 80% there of the woman that I want. This is the woman that I want to raise my children.
Speaker 1:It's really hard to get out of those relationships. You're so emotionally involved, your lives are woven together. It's very, very difficult. So if you're in the dating world and you are open to relationships, obviously if you're dating, then give yourself some sort of timeframe to get to know the individual, but also protect yourself from a long-term relationship by putting a line in the sand.
Speaker 1:Just so happened that mine was 90 days and it worked out very well for me, so that when I got to meeting my wife, which I met her online who cares, but I met her online. I had my non-negotiables and my negotiable list and she checked every single one, top to bottom, about 50 items, to be honest with you. Top to bottom. She checked every single one and I knew at 48 hours actually it was 73, 72 hours. I knew at 48 hours actually it was 73, 72 hours. I knew at 72 hours that I was going to marry this woman because I had that foundation in place. I knew who I was and I knew who I was looking for and I happened to find them and the moment that I did, they checked the boxes, boom go. We were married nine months later.
Speaker 2:I love that man. And that's just such an important piece that if you are a business owner also, you already do this right. And so when you're hiring somebody for a key role inside your company executive level, you need a certain person to do a certain thing. They need a skill set, they need to understand a certain level of responsibility, they need to have a certain culture fit to fit inside your company. You're going to that interview with a very clear list, right, you've got your core values dialed in, you've got the vision for the direction you're moving in. You're asking intelligent, intentional questions that give you insight whether or not this person would be a good fit long-term.
Speaker 2:Because the worst thing inside of hiring and we know this as business owners is the open door turnover, constantly bringing new people in. That is a huge detriment not only to the culture of the company but also to the profitability of the business. It's also exhausting. It's super exhausting. So if you don't go into your dating life with the exact same blueprint, what am I looking for? Who am I? What are the core values? What's the vision that I'm looking to define in my relationship? What type of support role do I most need? Who is going to be the biggest skill set inside of this relationship. Going into your relationships with that allows you to get to know faster. Getting to know faster means you're getting to. Yes faster.
Speaker 1:And, guys, the moment you take yourself seriously, the moment you take yourself seriously is the moment you can start to take a relationship seriously. So you have to realize it starts with you, every time starts with you. Build that foundation and then you can start to get out in the market, get out in the world and find someone again, because you attract who you are. The quality of who you are. As it goes up, the greater quality of the individual, the woman you attract, will also go up.
Speaker 2:Love that All right guys. So do us a favor. In the link below download the High Value man Relationship Guide. It is the design guide to help you bulletproof your relationship, learn the strategies, the techniques and, more so than anything, the formula and the blueprint to being a high value man that leads in his relationship, creates safety and security, creates structure and allows his woman to fully relax into her feminine. It's going to teach you some tools and some strategies so that you can repair and mend a relationship if you're in one, and what to look for if you're in the season of single Hoping and scoping, yeah, scoping and hoping.
Speaker 1:Whichever is best for you Love it.
Speaker 2:Yeah, much love, many blessings. We'll see you guys on the next episode. Boom, we're off the podcast. Get back to the fucking mental lab.