The High Value Man Conversation

Lessons I Wish My Father Would Have Taught Me - HVMP #13

Erin Alejandrino & Josh Lashua Season 3 Episode 14

We all strive to be the best fathers we can be, but the journey is filled with challenges and uncertainties...

Did you know that by applying the insights and advice in today's episode, you can not only strengthen your bond with your children but also ensure your success as a father? Imagine transforming your daily interactions and creating lasting memories that will positively shape your child's future.

In this episode, we dive deep into the essential lessons every man needs to know to thrive in fatherhood. From building trust and communication to balancing discipline with love, we've got you covered.

Whether you're a new dad navigating the early years or a seasoned father looking for fresh perspectives, this is an episode you won't want to miss. 

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Speaker 2:

Loving, strong, protecting, providing father and literally disappear off the face of the earth at seven and your child, will still be successful, and that's what it really requires to be able to step into the season of actually building a legacy worth following.

Speaker 1:

Kids need to be thrown around, they need to be pinned down.

Speaker 2:

They need to be pushed around, they need to fight with you as the man in the house, your tone is way more important than your volume.

Speaker 1:

Giving to the point where it means something to us, it's got to hurt a little bit.

Speaker 2:

This is the High Value man Conversation Podcast, a show dedicated to the mission of building high value men. One great man means a great family, a great neighborhood, a better city, community state and the world. The question is, if not you, then who? All right, Well, welcome back my friends to the High Value man Conversation. And this is episode remind me of the episode number, I think 13. 13. Lucky number 13. And today we're talking about lessons of fatherhood and so lessons I wish my father would have taught me, and lessons, really more so than anything that our fathers didn't know.

Speaker 1:

Yeah, yeah, and we talk about this often, aaron is. I truly believe that parents do the best with what they know, how, and as we evolve and as we get smarter and research continues to come out, we continue to do more life. We are becoming more equipped than our parents are, which is the great consequence of that is it's up to us to exceed our parents in every area of their life. So if you have parents that you feel like they had shortcomings or they didn't quite live up to what you thought or wish they had, understand that that's a place where you can step in, fill that gap, fill that void, and be a much better parent to your children and those in your sphere.

Speaker 2:

So good yeah, and be a much better parent to your children and those in your sphere. So good yeah. And the reason for this episode is Josh is going to be a boy dad within, probably the next week.

Speaker 1:

Man, we are on the cusp. So, as of tomorrow when we shoot this, my wife will be at 38 weeks, and you guys may be able to see me. If you're not. I'm around 5'11 and 250 pounds. My wife will be at 38 weeks and you guys may be able to see me if you if you're not, uh, I'm around five, 11 and 250 pounds, and so my sweet wife is having a little me. And so, at 37 weeks, my son measured about nine and a half pounds and four and a half inches longer than the normal, and so every week he gained, he will gain about a half a pound. So I don't need my wife to be broken from my son, so the sooner he gets here, the better.

Speaker 1:

We're certainly prepared Um and, uh, looking forward to. I'm hoping, by our next episode I'll have a. I'll have a son. I'm expecting him to show up in the next 48 hours or so, which would be fun. That's big.

Speaker 2:

That's big and this is a um. A miracle baby is a miracle baby, um. And for those of you that have been following Josh's account for any amount of time, him and his wife Brittany have been praying and believing for this kid for the last nine years, almost nine and a half, nine and a half years, wow. So this is truly little. Bodhi is going to be welcomed into the tribe of men. He's got a lot of uncles and brothers and friends to help raise him and really lean into the lessons that we're going to be talking about today, which is the lessons we wish our father would have taught us yeah, and part of that's a village and we'll cover that here shortly.

Speaker 1:

Love it, man. It takes a village.

Speaker 2:

Well, let's kick this off. Josh, this is going to be a formal but informal episode from the standpoint of we've got some teachings that we want to walk through with you guys. But, more so than anything, as Josh is stepping into the season of new parent, as a boy dad, we want to really lean into just that intentionality and showcase some of the things that I think are going to be really helpful for you as a high value man, on your path to becoming a father, or being a father.

Speaker 1:

Yeah, I love that. So we'll give a lot of lessons, a lot of tools, a lot of takeaways, but, as men, something that we know, aaron, is that our actions are the sorry our say it correctly our words are the debit card to the bank account of our actions. So you're going to get a lot of takeaways today, a lot of good downloads, but also understand that a lot of what we say doesn't matter. It really leans on the action that we take to it. Doesn't matter. It really leans on the action that we take to it. So, for the men out there who intend to be fathers, or the men out there that are fathers, put this to work, starting today. Starting today. I love that. This next thing I'll give you is a man with no plans has committed to his distractions, and most fathers don't have a father plan. You may have a plan for your career, you may have an idea for your physique, but most men don't have a true plan of what they want their fatherhood to look like.

Speaker 2:

That's so it's such a good nugget to pay attention to because you know business plans are standard right, even for a fitness plan it's standard. But when you think about the family legacy the one thing that's going to live past you like your business more than likely, depending on who you are, what kind of business you're running. You're not Elon Musk Most businesses are going to die with, like that first generation. But your son is going to carry the legacy, the principles, the virtues, the values, the vision of you, long past you being gone.

Speaker 1:

No, it's so true, and it's strong, it's powerful. What I want to jump into is kind of why is it important? Why is it important to understand the detriment or the empowerment that you are as a father for your kids and I'll use a lot of son terminology today because we are talking to men. I have a five-year-old daughter. I'm certainly speaking about her too, but I'll be speaking from the perspective of a father to a son. So a lot of verbiage there for that of a father to a son. So a lot of verbiage there for that.

Speaker 1:

But just some general context of the brain development as a young boy, later who becomes a man, and what the weight of our brain development is. 95% of our mind is unconscious. We now know that we get to steward 5% of it in hopes that the other 95% falls in line. And so why that's so important is understanding that from birth to five years old, aaron, research shows us that the different sections of our brain grows based upon the nurture of our house. Okay, so we understand nature and nurture. Nature is really our genetics, that we're given, but the nurture is how we're raised, the home that we grew up in, the environment that molds us, and it's pivotal and to understand that the different portions of our brain evolve based upon that environment that we're raised in. So if we're raised in a home that maybe is fatherless or is a father who's not there, your brain develops around that environment. If you're raised in a home where there's a lot of fighting going on, your brain develops around that. If you're raised in a home that's very peaceful and has a family that are a mother and father that tenderly love each other and pursue each other, your brain evolves around that. So it becomes who you are essentially. So what research shows us is that who we are as adults is developed in the first five years of our life, and why that's so important.

Speaker 1:

What I want to give to men as a takeaway here is most men that I experience in coaching and I do both relationship and individual with men is men are more willing to be involved with their sons later in life. So we'll say the early teenage years and beyond, you can do the cool stuff. Cool stuff. We want to go fishing, we want to go hunting. We want to go hunting. I want to shoot the basketball with you. I want to have a conversation with you and not just hear you know mumbling, groaning, cry kind of thing, so it's easier for me to go.

Speaker 1:

When they get to that age, I'll take them on a hunting trip. When they get to that age I'll spend more time with them. That who that child is is actually developed in the first five years of life, that's good First five years of life.

Speaker 1:

By the age of seven, aaron, our brains, our child's brains, are 90% the size that they're going to be as adults. So up to year seven, the research shows us that as parents, if we get it right and right is really only 40% of the time so God's got a lot of grace in that, if we get it right 40% of the time up to their age of seven, that we've set our kids on success. You could almost be at a highly. You could be a highly involved, loving, strong, protecting, providing father and literally disappear off the face of the earth at seven and your child will still be successful. It's interesting it doesn't work out the other way.

Speaker 2:

You know there's something to really take away from this. I think that the a young like a toddler to a five-year-old. I volunteered in the kids department at church this last weekend, so I was in the kindergarten like under six. It was a handful Rapid fire, holy cow. But that age requires a deeper level of patience, emotional equanimity and just the ability to really be present with them. And so what I hear you say is a lot of guys neglect those prime seasons, thinking it's just going to be easier down the road. But the truth matter. If they want to have an easier young adulthood, adolescence, teenage years and 20s and 30s, they really need to have an active role within the first five years.

Speaker 1:

Very active and for most, most people who decide to have kids may do that in their twenties or thirties happens to be the same season that most men are leaning into careers. We're trying to develop who we're becoming. We're more focused on our finances and we're focused on our accolades. And once we get to our forties or sometimes guys even in their fifties they have an understanding or a comfort level of where they are. And now we want to be a parent. If that's your game plan, you've completely missed the boat. You may have kids that are in their teenage years. That you're. They're still living in your home and you don't know why it's so difficult to connect with them. It's because, even at their teenage years if that's your plan you're now doing retro parenting. Retro parenting and parenting backwards is one of the hardest things I've ever gotten to walk men through. It's very, very difficult. You've lost the voice in their life.

Speaker 2:

You've lost the opportunity.

Speaker 1:

You've missed the boat.

Speaker 2:

It's good. Let's hop into some of the why this is so important. So we talked about your brain developing personality, developing so much in that prior to seven years old age range. But boys are developing their masculine qualities as a young man, and so one of those big drivers in a boy's development is testosterone and testosterone.

Speaker 1:

You shared an interesting stat testosterone peaks at four to five years old Research says between four and five is the highest amount of testosterone, the ratio that men will have their entire lives.

Speaker 2:

Wow. So ratio is highest. So you think about just that. What's needed to develop a boy in his masculinity is obviously testosterone. That is the lifeblood for so many men, for all men, and it peaks at four to five years old. So this is the handful time and these kids have a ton of energy by nature, but you're going to have even more right around that five-year-old time. So if they're not having a father's active role in his life to do the rough and tumble, to play, to rough house, to wrestle, to be thrown around, they're not going to really understand a the edges of their anger, their aggression and how to play well and they're going to end up stepping into adulthood not really understanding what testosterone does for them. That's so that's so.

Speaker 1:

There's so much meat on that bone, yeah, it's for sure. So boys between the age of four and five are literally attempting to figure out their place in the world. And as a society we've we've come around to see boys at that age group four or five and see them as little monsters. They're jumping off the couch, they may be jumping off the staircase, they're breaking things, punching, kicking, punching, biting. It's one of those of like man, I've got a problem child. No, you've got a son who is roided out. You just don't see it that way because he's got too much fat on him to see the veins. And again, it's him finding his place in the world and as a society we are leaning towards really hard to suppress and repress and sedate.

Speaker 1:

I've got a kid that can't sit still in the classroom. He doesn't listen. I get bad reports in from the teacher. He's this, he's that, he's biting a kid, whatever he is. Let's give him an Adderall, let's give him something to help him focus, and all we're doing is suppressing that portion in him. And we wonder how we create passive men. We wonder how we create men in their 20s, 30s and 40s who are fearful of risk, who are fearful of interaction or confrontation. It's all bred back to those first four to five years.

Speaker 2:

Yeah, I'd even take it a step further. It's not only the passive man that we're creating in this sedated man, we're also suppressing that anger so that can end up blowing up into adulthood. So think about this the guys that shoot up school right, it's all men that do this or are violent with their partner or are the ones perpetrating crime. It's typically because they've got this undealt with anger, aggression. They don't know how to deal with their own feelings, emotions, testosterone, and they never had that healthy masculine role model growing up. It's so powerful.

Speaker 1:

It's so powerful. So what boys really need in those first few years the primary you're priming them for their lives. So those primary years is you're giving them a place to get all that out. You're priming them for their life, so those primary years is you're giving them a place to get all that out. They need to punch you, they need to kick you. They might need to even, like you know, bust your lip every now and then, but as a father, they need that anvil because otherwise it becomes their sister, their mom, kids at school relationships when they get older? Yeah, absolutely, and it's just uh, most people miss it. You think you have a problem child. You have an individual who's attempting to become a man at some point.

Speaker 2:

So good, I love that. I love that.

Speaker 1:

So boys find their place in the world, which we talked about. And the biggest piece here why we need to create allowance for that type of play is boys need to understand what they're capable of, right, so physically understand what they're capable of. If you ever want your child to become a protector, I believe you have to first let them become a monster, right, so you can't just be peaceful and sweet all your life and then all of a sudden wake up one day as a 25 year old and see yourself as a warrior protector. It doesn't happen that way.

Speaker 2:

Jordan Peterson talks deeply on, that is, be be able to become a monster and just be able to control it.

Speaker 1:

Exactly, and that's where it's done. It's done inside the sheath of a father. So good, right. So if you want, you want a sword in there, you, you, you're the sheath, which is why you talked about rough and tumble and why that's so incredibly important. Kids need to be thrown around, they need to be pinned down, they need to be pushed around, need to fight with you. Just how pivotal that is, because if you nurture that, then then you have the capability to help them steward that later, yeah.

Speaker 2:

So good, say that again. So if you nurture it, then you have the capability to. They have the capability to steward it, to help them steward it later, so good yeah.

Speaker 2:

And I think we see this so much in the coaching and the guys that we've worked with is there's just this level of fear of aggression. They've never actually had a healthy outlet for it. So they're interacting in the world. That requires a certain level of conflict, confrontation and natural masculine aggression. But because they never practice it when they were young, they don't know how to do it as an adult.

Speaker 1:

Yeah, so true, so true, and you see this very prevalent in homes where boys are maybe even raised with two parents, but mom's the one who's running the roost, so the father is not as strong as the mother. It's very confusing for a son attempting to become a man and he begins to emulate his mother versus his father as it's designed, so just a huge piece there.

Speaker 1:

So we talked about testosterone, where that peaks in a boy. Just to be aware of that can be a game changer for most men, and if you have children who are over this age, maybe you have. Kids are a little bit older teens 20s, 30s, depending on how old you are, and we still need it.

Speaker 1:

We can't go backwards right. They still need it. So our fathers, regardless of our age, we still need our fathers to be that amble. It may be an emotional animal, maybe a financial animal, but we need to be able to have that to to bounce our life off of. And so if you have young kids, great, you can begin to model it now. But if you don't understand that, that's still available to you. You just got to decide.

Speaker 2:

Yeah, and if you don't have that, if you don't have an active and healthy relationship with your father figure and you're in adulthood, you need to get a tribe of men. And so the tribe of men can help provide that modeling, that masculinity, that anvil for you to do the rough and tumble, everything else get into martial arts, get into jujitsu, lift heavy weights, get into competition but you need men around you one place or the other.

Speaker 1:

For sure. And the more the better, the more the better. Just don't let them be the knuckleheads from college, Don't let it just be the guy that's next door kind of thing for convenience.

Speaker 2:

Yeah.

Speaker 1:

Be very intentional about who you do your relationships with because they will speak into your children.

Speaker 1:

Yeah, I promise you that through words or action. And so the last piece I want to give that's really, really important for young boys with fathers is fathers need to create space for their sons to know their voice is valued. Create space for them to know that their voice is valued. There are so many boys who turn into men that didn't have fathers that had conversations with them. Ask them their opinion on things. A great practice here, aaron, is to have a type of roundtable conversation. You can utilize dinner with the family or you can even set up we do family meetings, and family meetings can happen about we do about once a month, where we go over again our values, who we are, core values, wise. We also talk about what's important as a family, what we're doing, what are you doing to contribute to our family. It's good Is the question that we have, but what we're doing is we're creating space for our sons to have a voice, have an opinion and share it. So good, and share it.

Speaker 2:

If share it, so good and share it.

Speaker 1:

If you want them to have a strong voice and stand up for it in the marketplace as an adult again, it has to be cultivated at the young age. So good, Don't miss it yeah.

Speaker 2:

Don't miss it. These are very practical, tactical things you can do with your kids, with your sons, to start putting an action immediately. So rough and tumble. If you've got a kid under six or seven years old, like rough house with them, it'd be good for you too, dad. Under six or seven years old, like roughhouse with them, it'd be good for you too, dad. And then have the family meetings, help them create their voice and realize that they're going to model in the footsteps that you're walking in.

Speaker 1:

That's right. You are the template. You are the template, you're the standard. So I have a son on the way. I have a five-year-old daughter, so I've got a lot of practice in with this course.

Speaker 1:

Working with other men and utilizing their circumstances as well has fed into that. But I get the opportunity now to start from scratch with my son, and these are some things that will be very prevalent in my home for my son and so one as a man, I understand that my son will need a target. He'll need a target to compete against. He'll need a target to overcome. That's good Boys. Naturally. You see this in the wild too. If you have a lion right, then you often see the cubs trying to wrestle with him, trying to fight with him. At some point that lion gets a little older in age and somebody who's stronger, bigger, better probably his son will overcome him and lead the pride. And so you have to have this concept in your mind of if there's a target, I have to know that it's me. One, make it available. And two, understand that I'm setting the standard in those areas. So do it intentionally.

Speaker 2:

And be encouraging of that process, right To help develop the confidence and the competence to realize that at a certain point he is your legacy, he's going to be the one taking over the family name, is your legacy, he's going to be the one taking over the family name. And so set him up for success and condition failure in the right way so that he's actually developing in the right way. Don't just be a lay down dad. And it's another great reason that you as a man, you as a father, need to step into some type of tribe. It's going to challenge you, get you out of your comfort zone so that you level up to your highest self. Otherwise, the example you're setting for him by the way you're living your life ends up being one of passivity.

Speaker 1:

Yeah, that's for sure. I saw a video recently that I really appreciated. It's a video of a dad and a son that every year on the son's birthday, do a 40-yard dash sprint.

Speaker 1:

And the son, every year, has been working harder, getting faster. This is the year I'm going to beat my dad I think it was his 13th or 14th birthday and his dad comes out in a full like Olympic tracksuit short shorts, the cutoff USA across it and they get in the backyard. I think mom probably recorded it, but the dad blew him away. Yeah, blew him away. But I love the concept of that because he's creating space for his son to compete him. Yeah, knowing someday, one birthday, his son's going to actually take first place. I love that. It's so much strength in there.

Speaker 1:

What a cool tradition it is, and if a man's doing that in that area, then I guarantee he's doing it in other areas. So good, powerful, I love that Powerful. So another area of my life that I'm truly going to be very intentional about with my son is him understanding, seeing and knowing the core values of the Lashua house. That's my last name is Lashua, so as a Lashua, we have five core values that we literally throw everything through. It's the filter with which we live our lives. One being honorable, living a life that's honoring and honorable. We honor because we're honorable, not because people deserve our honor. That's good.

Speaker 1:

Second is our generosity giving to the point where it means something to us. It's got to hurt a little bit, otherwise generosity is not generosity. Yes, giving things that we want to have, that type of generosity is huge. Of course, health would be our third core value, and that's spirit, soul, body and intellect. So understanding that what health means as a lash was not just being physically healthy, although that is a standard. There's health in many other areas. Uh, positive attitude. So with my five-year-old, this is hits huge love that, because she's in an area where she's really finding her place as well. But as a lasher, we have a positive attitude and go back and, uh, watch the watch the show on our attitude, never give you a great definition of what that means.

Speaker 1:

To have a positive attitude so that your plane is always going up, you're always getting more altitude. And then, lastly, is effort. I believe that effort, attitude and effort are the two things I truly believe that we can control. Our effort is completely up to us. So, regardless of how we feel, giving our best is our effort. So the five core values of my son will grow up underneath and we've got we've got a big painting on the wall that says, in the Lashua household, here's our five core values, and they're all defined out. As we have our family meetings, as we have our dinner or we have conflict with my son, we'll be able to sit down right in front of them and go okay, where did you hit it today?

Speaker 2:

Where did?

Speaker 1:

What did you miss today on those core values?

Speaker 2:

So I want to just land the plane on this real quickly. But before you can have family core values, you have to have personal core values. Right, you know, before you can lead your wife and your kids, your community, your workplace, you need to define and refine who you are as a man, define what your core values are, have clarity of vision, go through our six V's Like, go through that process Like. You have to have your core values in place first as a man and lead it for yourself. And it's set the example for the standard for before anyone else will follow it.

Speaker 1:

Yeah, that's beautiful. If you want to create a draft for your children to be into, you have to understand what values are and understand, know that you're living them. And if you have difficulty understanding that, take a look at your calendar.

Speaker 2:

It'll show you exactly what you time, effort, energy, money, free time all that. You see where you're spending it and it gives you a really clear picture.

Speaker 1:

It's a very clear picture, a big one in our house with my son is. He will see how I treat his mother Right.

Speaker 1:

So I'm setting the standard of what a man looks like with women, and so that's me pursuing her in loving touches non-sexual, non-bathing suit touches, which I'm working on but being loving towards his mom, hearing what she has to say and putting to action. My wife does not gripe or complain because in my wedding vow, one of my wedding vows to her is that her voice would be second to God in my life period. And so he's going to grow up in a home where his mom says something and his father takes it seriously. Being tender with her, opening the door for her gifts for her, being strong around her, is a template that he will get to model, for sure that's beautiful, because your son will model the behaviors that he sees his dad model in his relationships.

Speaker 2:

And so think about this, men, as you're watching this. If you are argumentative, if you're critical, if you're judgmental, if you've ever been abusive emotionally or physically to a woman, you learn that somewhere, and so the template that you get to reset as a father comes down to your intentionality with your woman.

Speaker 1:

Yeah, that's so true we teach with our same team is that the only relationship, so the relationship with your partner, your spouse if you're dating, this includes you so the relationship you have with your partner or your spouse, the only relationship in life that ever looks like that, is the one you saw at home with your parents, and how powerful that is. So if you're a parent, realize that the relationship or the marriage that your children are going to have will probably look identical to what you have now. So good, so don't jack it up, yep. And if you are jacking it up, you have a chance to fix it. So you have a chance to fix it.

Speaker 1:

So, with with my wife, something we've talked about that Bodie will see is my tenderness with her, hugging, her long kisses, pursuing her gifts being sweet. These are her gifts being sweet. These are things that she'll see. He'll see my strength in that um, big big one, aaron and we may hover on this a little bit is that our children need to see both conflict and resolve. It's good needs to be shown to them. A lot of kids may experience their parents in fighting, but they don't see the resolve. Maybe there's not not resolve, but if there is. So what I'm talking about is on a scale of one to 10, 10 being a knockdown drag out, which we don't have in our home but some people do, and one being a TIF is that anytime Britt and I get up to about a four or five, we do that in front of Talia, we do that, we will do that in front of Bodhi, but then we are also very quick to resolve it.

Speaker 1:

So our kids are learning the template the standard of my parents have conflict which subconsciously they go. I'm going to have conflict in my relationship too. It's good, but then also there's a resolve there and how to handle that conflict. So good, and so parents miss it. They'll have conflict in front of their kids and then they'll go resolve it later at night after the kids are in bed.

Speaker 2:

And it leaves an open loop in the kid's brain of okay, all I saw was conflict and mom and dad are just happy the next day, so maybe they just brush it on the rug or just magically disappears, which doesn't teach the template of how to resolve conflict in normal relationships. So if you don't see both ends of the spectrum, you're only getting half of the puzzle.

Speaker 1:

Yeah, yeah, and you'll see it. So if you're in a dating world or if you're married, you'll see, you'll, you'll, you'll be modeling it already. Uh, I've, I've got this issue. It all goes back to was was resolve modeled, and so you've got. If you've got conflict in front of your kids, be very intentional about also expose it. Call them out of their bedroom. Mommy, daddy, you're going to fix this, sit here and watch us and resolve the conflict in front of them.

Speaker 1:

That way they have to close the loop is how you said it was powerful Love that. As a parent, I've had my moments of frustration, and I think all of us have as parents. But what I've come to understand and learn is that the power in who I am, aaron, is in my tone, not my volume. The power in who I am as a man is in my tone and not my volume. So you have a dog named Ness and you probably have this. You've experienced this with Ness as well. Kids are not much different than our dogs. I don't say it to belittle them, but it's true that my dog knows my tone. I've never yelled at my dog. I don't need to. I've got a two-year-old Rottweiler. She's precious, but I never have to yell at her. I'll with my daughter that the power in who I am, as far as correction direction, is always in my tone and not my volume. A tone can be received. Volume just puts up a wall.

Speaker 2:

Yeah, volume just puts up a wall, yeah, that's really good. I think about growing up in a household where the volume just got louder when a point was trying to be made. It's not receptive, first and foremost, and doesn't create a collaborative conversation. It ends up just becoming, okay, I'm going to get defensive, I'm going to back away, or I'm going to deploy my own self-protective mechanisms, and then we just end up creating this future conflict rather than actually resolving it. So, as the man in the house, your tone is way more important than your volume, that's huge.

Speaker 1:

I often have said and I marked it down so I would say it right, but that volume is the deception of communication, that if this is important to me, my voice gets louder and louder and louder. I'm trying to impress to you what's important to me and, again, all it does for whoever's receiving it or whoever is spectating it is walls go up. You start to think about uh, you know, what am I going to do to defend myself versus hearing what's being said so good, so take, take tone and understand it. It's 40% of communication. So big, big deal. And, um, I'm looking forward to the dynamic difference between my son, bodie, and my daughter, talia.

Speaker 1:

For any of us that have kids of of of both sexes, how we treat and live with our daughters is often very, very tender. It's very sweet, it's playful. With Bodie, he'll get a completely different experience. He'll get a dad that's a lot more in the rough and tumble. He'll get a dad that's a lot more direct. He'll get a dad that's a lot more so. The tenderness will certainly be there. I'll love on him, tender touches, I'll hug him, I'll kiss his face, things like that, but his interactions with me will be very different from my daughter, and so, for all of us that have children of both sexes, realize you can't treat your children the same. So good, can't treat them the same because they're not the same. Our kids are very, very individualistic. They are, especially if you have a daughter and son, and so take all these things that we're giving you and can encapsulate it into a very masculine type shell of how am I going to treat my son so that he grows up to be the masculine man that I am?

Speaker 2:

So good. I love that. I love that and I think this this touches on. I know that there's a lot of fatherless homes, men that grew up with a strong female voice and not a healthy role model. What was probably missing and I will speak from my own experience what was missing is that directness that we really needed from the father's voice, as opposed to the mother being both the disciplinarian and the nurturer. This is why you need both parents on that side of the house. But the man's job is to be masculine, sturdy, grounded, structured. Create that response of this, not reactive, and be emotionally grounded.

Speaker 1:

That's so true, and I'm glad that you said that, because the next point that I have is choosing and allowing the men who are close to me to speak into my son. So good. This is why tribe is so important. We've all had experiences with our parents where they've told us something and we didn't get it until we were in our thirties and forties, and likely somebody else said the same thing and we go.

Speaker 1:

Oh my parents been saying that for 20 years and then now it makes a difference. So who we roll with is vital to our children. They'll see one. They're going to get a picture, a model of what relationship and friendship looks like. They'll see one. They're going to get a picture, a model of what relationship and friendship looks like. They'll get the. You will build the bridge for your son to understand that he needs men in his life, he needs good men in his life. If you expose that to him so good. So doing things together, not just not just life and barbecue grill outs, but going and doing competitive things together. Yeah, Having our friends over um, doing things we. So we were part of a uh, mighty men is a is a men's group that we're part of so our children being exposed to that lets them know that life is not made to be done on an island.

Speaker 1:

I've got my dad's got friends in his life, um, and friends that show up with wisdom and strength and can and will impart into our kids. Um, it takes a village. It takes a village. Most men are unwilling to be aware that they need to build the village Right.

Speaker 2:

Right. And so it goes back to you. The man, vision, core values, stacking victories and doing this within a tribe is going to challenge you, get you out of your comfort zone. Support you, because the biggest thing is, it also provides a great template for your son to follow in. Got to have it.

Speaker 1:

Love it Got to have it. If you don't, you'll end up being on the other end of the phone with Aaron or me.

Speaker 2:

I don't understand why my son doesn't listen, my wife doesn't respect me, I'm sleeping on the couch and I put on 50 pounds. Yeah.

Speaker 1:

Yeah, it's a very common outcome and I hate it for I hate it for everybody. The last point I'll give and actually I modeled this from our pastor, keith Craft, who has been a businessman for 40 years but as his children got to teenage years and became interested in money and wanted to work to have some money, rather than letting him go out and get normal jobs delivering pizzas or whatever it may be, he paid them to go with him to all of his business meetings. May be he paid them to go with him to all of his business meetings.

Speaker 1:

He actually put them on a personal salary and said listen, your job is just to come be with me. That creates opportunity for unique conversations. But the beauty behind that is is it taught his children one how to do business, taught them emotional equanimity. It showed them the context of their father, the depths of their father, because they got to be with him in meetings, got to be with him around business deals, got to be with him in relationships that were business oriented. But his children now are successful in the business world, successful in their financial world, because that wasn't just oh, dad goes to work, right? Not real sure what that means.

Speaker 2:

Yeah, and the cool thing about that, too, is that's how it used to be done. The boys would go off to the whatever the work was, the trade that their father was doing, and learn from the father and the grandfather in the field, work with their hands, be side by side, pick up all the subtleties of what masculinity really is, rather than just being with mom all day or in a school system all day and actually not learning that the inner workings of what it means to be a man.

Speaker 1:

Yeah, you want your, you want your son to to to walk his life out in your draft. You've got to make sure there's space that you're putting in there. I love that. Yeah, we'll go on to.

Speaker 1:

The next point I have and this is for for kids across the board, but specifically for sons is we've got our kids in our house for 18 years just given and kids in our house for 18 years just given, and as parents, it's very natural for us, for the, want them to have a a fun life, an enjoyable life, maybe an adventurous life, with as little pain as possible. So the point I want to give is you've got to allow your children I'll say it this way You've got to allow your sons to fail under your cover. How important are those first 18 years. Create space for him to jump off the couch and hurt himself. Make space for him to be a nut on the trampoline and hurt himself. You're still there to take care of him afterwards. But if we coddle our children now as they become adults, failure and pain will wreck them, and we have men that have experienced that.

Speaker 1:

Now we're talking about, we're walking them through those things, the bubble wrap child?

Speaker 2:

Yes, and so this is. I see this guy. He comes through the program. There's always one bubble wrap guy in the project. But the bubble wrap guy is the guy that steps into his adulthood, twenties and thirties and doesn't have any type of suffering, no trauma, no pain. His mom and dad were great. I just have never experienced anything hard, like never done anything hard.

Speaker 2:

The bubble wrap guy has a risk aversion. He is naturally afraid of failure because he's never actually failed before and that attitude he's never been allowed to fail. He's never been allowed to fail, never been taught how to fail, how to stand up, dust his knees off and get back on the bike. But that guy, stepping into his 20s and 30s, will miss out on opportunity. He will struggle and suffer inside of the marketplace. He'll have a hard time connecting with women, He'll have a hard time connecting with himself and he'll have the hardest time connecting with other men because a natural masculine quality is to take risks.

Speaker 2:

One of the things that Josh always says is man, I want to get punched in the face. There's a level of aggression and like natural, just like need to get into some type of physical interaction, and the physicality represents so much of the philosophy of masculinity and the ability to be able to take punches in the face, like in the business place, in the workplace, in the market, in your relationship, is so powerful because it allows you to stand firm and realize you know what I can take this hit. I can take a whole lot more yeah.

Speaker 1:

And I look forward to my next birthday because I think it's coming. Amen, I'm very excited about that. We might have some coverage and some video for that when it happens. So, yeah, so allowing your children to cover and allowing your children to fail under your cover is one of the greatest gifts a parent can give to their children.

Speaker 1:

It's good, um, and the last one hits hard with the boys but teams, team sports why it's so important? It's not just to distract them, it's not just so that they're doing something outside the house, but in team sports and we learn how to integrate with other men, other boys, we learn to work together as a team. Um, we learned to trust another male. Yeah, trust in the male. Golf is great, tennis is great, but often it's played on their own. You need team sports to be around other men to be able to trust. You're going to pull your weight, I'm going to do what I need to do, and we can stack wins, stack victories that way and create experiences and bonds that often last a lifetime. Yes, so good.

Speaker 1:

And then the last part of that that I'll give that most men don't don't hold in high regard and we should is we have an intricate need to compete. Our sons need to compete. They need a target, need to compete. They need to put themselves and evaluate themselves up against others, not just you, but up against others their age right. They'll work harder if they think, you know, I have a chance to beat this guy. If we train harder, if we work harder as a team, then we have the opportunity to be first place. I hate that there's more than three first, second, third should be it, and we should keep score at little league games the whole nine yards. We have a need to compete. We just experienced this a couple weeks ago at our Warrior.

Speaker 2:

Games.

Speaker 1:

Watching men in their 30s, 40s and 50s that most all work in an office somewhere, don't compete in anything. But you put us in a field for a day and you see savages come out. That's in there, it's been in there and it's been suppressed. But how much boys and men need to compete in something? Go figure out something to compete in and do it, not just paper rock scissors, amen.

Speaker 2:

I love that. So powerful, so many good lessons, and we'll put these in the show notes so you guys can encapsulate them. And you stepping into this new season of intentional boy, fatherhood, man. I'm so excited for you because it's giving so much hope. I know it's so many men out there that are realizing that we're in a time, we're in a season where we need strong men and it requires a level of intentionality. And Josh has been very intentional with his parenting, with his relationship, with his marriage, with his physicality, with his faith, with his family, with his finances all of the F-bombs. And that's what it really requires to be able to step into the season of actually building a legacy worth following.

Speaker 1:

I love that and you guys will. So parents have. I say this often parents will be one of two things either a stepping stone or a crutch. I will be a stepping stone for my son and I look forward to some of you men who take this journey with us. And when you see him in his late teens and twenties and thirties, not only will he be as good as me, but he will overcome everything that I've ever done in my life.

Speaker 1:

He will exceed me in every area of my life and be more impactful, stronger, smarter, wiser, um for all the men around him at a very early age. We will save decades of growth and development because he'll stand on my shoulders, and so I look forward to even coming back to this podcast in 20 years and getting to do some replay on it, so it'll be great.

Speaker 2:

I love that. Guys, this was the High Value man Conversation and this is a powerful episode. Make sure that you're checking in with Josh on the socials. After this episode goes live, we'll have a new little mighty man inside of the tribe, excited to welcome him to the family and, really more so than anything, excited to see the intentionality of this conversation be walked out. Love it, much love, many blessings. Talk to you guys soon. Boom, we're off the podcast. Get back to the fucking mental lab.