The High Value Man Conversation

Bringing Your Best: Avoiding Leftovers To Destroy Your Relationships - HVMP EP 15

Erin Alejandrino & Josh Lashua Season 3 Episode 18

Do you find yourself unintentionally offering the least to the people who matter most in your life? In this episode, "No Leftovers," we guarantee you’ll discover how to consistently bring your best energy and effort into your relationships, just like you did at the beginning. We unpack John Maxwell's crucial advice on avoiding the trap of giving mere leftovers to your loved ones and explore practical scenarios that highlight the long-term consequences of such behavior. Learn how diminished respect and strained connections can creep in when we start taking our personal relationships for granted.

Why do we divert our focus from our closest relationships to career achievements over time? This episode sheds light on the unconscious shift that many men experience and emphasizes the importance of treating personal relationships with the same reverence one would for their most prized possessions. Drawing insights from Dr. Gottman’s research, we discuss how indifference and complacency can be deadly for relationships and offer actionable steps to prioritize and protect what truly matters. Join us as we challenge you to set intentional thresholds and ensure that your time, energy, and attention are always aligned with your most valued relationships.

===> Join the weekly newsletter and get your free copy of 5 Steps to Becoming a High Value Man

Speaker 1:

You need to look at your life as a constant lesson in leadership.

Speaker 2:

Just like we're all guilty of this, we're all guilty of having something that we want, going out and making it happen, checking that box and wanting to move on, I would say, Aaron, nobody wakes up on a morning and intends to throw a grenade into their family. Nobody wakes up and says you know what? Today I'm really just going to sabotage my marriage.

Speaker 1:

How do I get it all done? How do I schedule efficiently to get it all done? How do I schedule efficiently? How do I make sure that my family, my fitness, my community all things that are important to me, that actually get done in the week, Five years, 10 years 20 years.

Speaker 1:

You wonder, like, how, how is like? How is my wife filing for divorce? And I thought we were okay. She's respecting you less and now you're creating this constant chaotic stream of I kind of feel like she's just nagging me all the time. She's nagging me knucklehead because you're not doing the things that you said you would do. Welcome back to the High value man conversation. This is episode 15. No leftovers. Do not give your scraps to your person, your partner, your spouse, your woman, your work or your kids. No leftovers. This episode is all about how do you maintain that same level of energy and effort that you did at the beginning of the relationship that got you where you are but, by the way, it's not going to get you to where you want to go. Boom, that's it. That's it. That's the entire episode. Episode's over.

Speaker 2:

Let's talk about where this no leftovers comes from. So, going back to when I was engaged to my wife, I was reading through a John Maxwell book I can't recall which one it is, he's written so many of them but I remember reading a story of John who was experiencing quite a bit of conflict in his marriage and he was trying to accomplish a lot in his life and he talked about that. He made a decision that he later made a vow in his life to never give his wife his leftovers. And I decided just to rip that off and apply it to my life completely of choosing to live a life where I'm intentionally giving no leftovers to especially my spouse, but those that are most meaningful to me, which now include my children, my family of choice and, of course, my friends. But that's really where the no leftovers come from. What I love about that is it gives us I think as a man it gives me a line that I can see in the sand of where I'm living, where I'm giving and where I'm choosing to make decisions.

Speaker 2:

And to me it's very simple to feel if I'm giving leftovers or not in any given scenario, and this smacked me around a little bit. But our habits are the barometer to the change you say you want. So there's everything. We all have desires in our life. We all have wants and needs and things that we are ambitious towards, but the change in our own life to make those come to fruition are going to happen at our own habits.

Speaker 2:

So to hover on some habits today. I don't think anyone listening to our voices would say man, I'm just loving my life, giving my leftovers everywhere and maybe if that's you, then get it together.

Speaker 1:

Leftovers are gross, like they're only good on Thanksgiving and they're only good for about a day after that.

Speaker 1:

But nobody wants that same mushy, just soft paste that used to be a really good hearty meal. And that's the truth. Is you think about in the start of a new relationship, right? And if you are intentionally pursuing somebody, you don't give them leftovers. They get the very best of you. You're intentional, you're curious, you're passionate, you are planning, preparing for the dates. You're, you're looking curious, you're passionate, you are planning, preparing for the dates. You're, you're looking ahead. You're actually doing what you need to be doing as a man. But what happens somewhere around the six months, nine months, 18 months, two year, 10 year mark, is your spouse, your person, your partner gets the very leftover, that mushy piece.

Speaker 2:

Yeah, and as a foodie and I'm sure a lot of us are, so I won't exclude myself of being special because I'm a foodie. I just think about my favorite food in the world Aaron's pizza and there's a couple of places around Dallas that have some of my favorite pizza and I think to myself, even if I had my favorite pizza every single day, how quickly that would become just not desirable anymore just boring, and even that same pizza if I had some leftovers and it sat in my refrigerator for two weeks and then I went to heat it up to eat it.

Speaker 2:

I wouldn't want to eat it, it would be garbage, right? Um, and just thinking about the context of our lives, of of how often are we serving the same thing to our spouse, to our kids, and to people we do life with. And on top of that, how much of those leftovers are we attempting to serve? And you'll, you'll just quickly realize in your life it just doesn't work Right, you don't. You don't want it yourself, so why are you serving it?

Speaker 1:

And I think the question to ask is why do guys give leftovers like this? So we're going to riff on that for a little bit. But also, if you don't think you give leftovers, a little bit of a temperature check of maybe you are and you just don't know it's you know so good indicator might be that hot and sizzly sex that you used to have in your relationship is no longer there, or you're getting the one word answers from your person or partner, or your evening. Your weekend routine is made up of Netflix binges rather than intentional time getting to know each other. Come on.

Speaker 2:

Yeah, I think about the guy that that puts in a day at work and then he spends his evenings either in his garage or on the couch watching some sort of ball game, playing video games. Our team is playing. You're not on the team. You don't own it, it's not your team, You're just being a slug on the couch giving your leftovers the people that you would.

Speaker 1:

What are the reasons why guys give leftovers?

Speaker 2:

I would say, aaron, nobody wakes up on a morning and intends to throw a grenade into their family. Nobody wakes up and says you know what? Today I'm really just going to sabotage my marriage. I'm really going to just sabotage my relationship with my kids. It's done over time and it's done, I think, unconsciously. Men are just not aware that what got them to where they are is not going to get them to where they want to go. Ooh, say that again. So men are just not aware of what got them to where they are is not going to get them to where they want to go.

Speaker 2:

Truth, and so we can all at some point lean back on a memory of dating. It's a really simple one to lean on. When we're dating man, we're hot after each other, we're asking open-ended questions. I've got my hair looking good, my car is clean, I smell nice, I'm wearing something that's attractive, I'm probably doing a lot more abs than I had before in my life, keeping myself together, because I want to present the best part of myself, because, honestly, I want this woman to choose me, and we go through a lot of effort, whether that's flowers, scheduling dates, being very intentional about calling and messages throughout the day saying things that are nice, that can get us into a relationship, that can even get us into a marriage. But over time, as you talk about, is men just let their focus go somewhere else and their effort follows their focus. Right, and so, before you know it, you've got leftovers happening at home, and it's no wonder you don't want to come home.

Speaker 2:

It's no wonder you don't look forward to spending time with your wife or your kids, because your significance is now in the marketplace and I don't think anyone intends to live that way, but the majority of the men that have what we would call successful lives experience that every single day.

Speaker 1:

Sure, and I think it's also the idea of thinking that once you got something, that you have it forever Right. And so I got the girl, I got the date, I got the relationship and I no longer need to put in the effort. Well, that same mindset shows up everywhere, because how you do anything is how you do everything, and so if you're treating your relationship like that, you're probably also treating your business like that, and so I'm just gonna end up just coasting inside of the domain of work rather than actually pursuing greatness, continually getting better, stacking new skillsets. So the same thing works is, if you're giving leftovers at home, more than likely you're also giving leftovers in other areas.

Speaker 2:

So, true, I heard recently and this really this really stuck with me. I think it's powerful I heard a man had his repeating advice that his father had given him as a, as a teenager, and he said I recommend that you become a millionaire, not for the sake of being a millionaire, but because of who you become along the way and in the same thought process of inside our homes, inside our relationships, of just just like we're all guilty of this, we're all guilty of having something that we want, going out and making it happen, checking that box and wanting to move on Right. And I think about the people that I don't own one yet, although it's in my future, of people that own Ferraris, just that brand in general. Now, if you're a Lambo guy or whatever you are, just go with me on this. But for people that own Ferraris, how often do we see a dirty Ferrari? Sure, you just don't Right Because you've gone, you've, you've put in the effort.

Speaker 2:

It means something to you, you probably hold something sacred in your life and once you have it, you're going to. You're going to have its oil change, You're going to have its tires rotated. You're going to have new tires put on it. You're going to do what you need to maintain the purity of that, of that vehicle, and it will stay clean. It gets our focus. Regardless of how long you've had it Right, right, it continues to be a focal point, and so what I want to lean on is what do you consider sacred?

Speaker 1:

I love that.

Speaker 2:

Like as a man, what do you consider sacred? Um, that's really an open-ended question, but a lot for a lot of men, things that they consider sacred could be their house, their car, or their Ferrari, their Ferrari.

Speaker 1:

Yeah, and your relationship should be a Ferrari, like your woman, how you pursued her in the beginning of the relationship, that is the Ferrari of your life.

Speaker 2:

It is, it is. Don't let it become the El Camino, ooh.

Speaker 1:

El Camino. It's on my bucket list. Have I told you about my El Camino? No, oh, I want an El Camino. I want a 1969 Chevy SS. I want it totally redone, but I want an El Camino Like. I just think it's a cool car, it's practical, it's tactical, part sports car, part truck, and no one drives them. No nobody drives them.

Speaker 2:

There's probably a reason Nobody, there's a reason, but you know what Well, each each their own. Yeah, I hope that works out for you.

Speaker 1:

Yeah, I'm going to have it.

Speaker 2:

I look forward to seeing what do we consider sacred. For a lot of guys, it's their ball team. They won't miss a game. They'll even wear their jersey to church on game day. Or if the game is in the morning, they won't go to church. Whatever it may be, but it's sacred to them. For a lot of guys in our area I know for sure it's golf is. When they're golfing, don't even bother them, don't buzz them. They're doing their thing. I know, for you and I, what we consider sacred. One of the things we consider sacred is our quiet time and we'll talk a little bit about that more. Or workouts, things that we have put on our schedule, that we protect and we constantly are managing to make sure that it's part of our schedule every single day. It's something we consider sacred. Love that.

Speaker 1:

So a big part of this no leftovers piece is to reevaluate what you consider sacred in your life. Take a look at your schedule to reevaluate what you consider sacred in your life, you know, take a look at your schedule. Make sure that your spouse, your person, your partner, your wife is getting that sacred time so she gets the best of you rather than the leftovers. Exactly that's what I hear you say, and I think the other piece of this is, if you don't have proper sacred time with your wife, it ends up defaulting to that leftover space.

Speaker 1:

But when you think about this, they're, as men, we're all wearing many hats right. We've got the business owner, your father, parent, coach, leader, entrepreneur, whatever it is, and so we're constantly transitioning from these different things. I think the other big piece to talk about in this no leftovers piece is making sure that, as you step from each role in your life, that you're actually transitioning with some intentionality, because it's so easy to bring your leftovers from work into your leftovers in your relationship. And then your date nights is you complaining and bitching about the fact how work didn't go the way you want, or you had a stressful, tough day and your wife ends up becoming just the dump for it, and so having proper thresholds and transitions is something that I learned from you.

Speaker 2:

Yeah and I. That's something that that landed on me a few years ago and actually we can blame COVID for that. So I went from working in the office place an actual office of brick and mortar.

Speaker 1:

What's up y'all? If you are a man struggling in his faith, fitness, family or in finances, you want to create breakthroughs and create fallible excellence in your life, join Josh and I in our free, high value man community and get access to the six of the formula, as well as the relationship mastery course by Mr Josh.

Speaker 2:

Absolutely, guys. We've got everything that you want in there. We've got everything from learning how to be consistent in your masculinity, creating structure in your home, understanding the discipline that it requires you to be a high value man, to be respected, to grow in your faith, family, finance and fitness To get to wherever you want to be the place that you say that you want to be the man that you say that you want to become.

Speaker 1:

Click the link. Join the free community of the High Value man Movement so that you can become the example worth following. Lead in your faith, fitness, family and finances.

Speaker 2:

Just click the link and join the free tribe and spending a lot of time in my vehicle to working at home and for a lot of us that made the transition and for a lot of men haven't gone back to that and still work from home is how do you give your best to the marketplace and at the same time don't let that bleed into your home, right?

Speaker 2:

Is I use? I literally use thresholds. I have thresholds in my house my front door and my garage, two entrances that I use uh, about 50,. 50 have a very specific meaning to me. When I enter those thresholds, what I did outside the house doesn't come with me. I'm not saying I withhold it from my wife, but if I had a difficult day, if I had a frustration, if I had a failure, that doesn't come with me through that threshold it's required to stay outside, even phone calls and my wife loves that I do this. If I'm on a business call in the car, I'll actually finish it in the driveway so that I can be intentional about the man that shows up inside the house.

Speaker 2:

But that's a great takeaway that men can have, especially if you live your life on the phone. And another threshold that has a lot of meaning to me is our game room and my bedroom, and so inside our game room, that's where my daughter's toys are, that's often where we do movie nights, where we hang out as a family, is there's a very specific version of Josh, the father and the husband and my presence.

Speaker 2:

That's required inside that room, and so I'm very aware of the meaning of that threshold when I walk into it and also the threshold of my bedroom is. I don't work in my bedroom. I don't take phone calls in my bedroom on purpose.

Speaker 1:

You guys have a TV in your bedroom.

Speaker 2:

We do. That's another conversation, but I'm glad to share it. But there's really there's no tech time outside of the TV in the bedroom. The bedroom is really for just a couple of things rest, sex and cuddling. Honestly, and, um, we allow, I allowed, this is a. This is actually great that you bring this up.

Speaker 2:

This was a big conversation in my marriage about four years ago is my wife has wanted a TV in our room and for the first six years of our marriage I didn't allow it. We did not have a bedroom, a TV in there. I said our bedroom is for two things sleep and sex. And so if we want to watch TV, want to watch a movie, we can go to the game room, we can do that at other places. But she said, let's give this a try, and I was open to it. And so we have a TV now because, literally because there's no leftovers, the last 30 minutes of our day is always spent, regardless of the time of day is always spent in bed. Pretzeling is what I call it, pretzeled up talking, but then also that's like advanced level spooning.

Speaker 2:

It's advanced. So by pretzeling this thing about your legs and the actual pretzel, I mean we're all up on each other If you can see me like tangled up, but really it's about being in really close proximity. I'm holding her, I'm being sweet with her, we're pretzeled up and then we watch a show which is us just being together, not being disconnected, but just being together. So I do have a TV in my bedroom.

Speaker 1:

I love it, but it's still protecting the sacred space and it's having a threshold.

Speaker 1:

And I think the big takeaway that the guys really need to pick up on is that Josh is being intentional as he steps out of the workplace mode, going from work to dad mode to husband mode. And if you're the type of guy that carries your conversations like on the phone, you're always doing business and you have a home office and you're moving from home office to living room to kitchen and you're taking your calls, with you working on a laptop in one spot and then also trying to be dad and husband, in between somebody's getting your leftovers and more than likely it's going to be your family at home, because typically they're the ones you're most comfortable with and you're not going to let your clients down because you believe that's where your primary identity is. And so having a threshold where, as soon as I step out this door, I'm going into dad mode, husband mode, I'm going into superhero mode and that's who I'm going to be and I'm going to leave everything else behind, because that leadership and that presence is far more important than anything else.

Speaker 2:

Yeah, it is. There's a shocking statistic, but I'll just give you the general overview of that. The mass majority of people after sex go right to their phones, and the most important part for, not for a selfie what a nerd.

Speaker 2:

Typically to social media or to check text messages they might have missed, or, for some people, maybe even emails. They've got to get back to the device. It's that draw. Yeah, and the most important part of sex in and of itself is what's called the afterglow. So five minutes after sex is completed is when we're most primed, biologically and emotionally to connect with our partner. And so after sex, you'll see people either go to the shower and get cleaned off and go right to their device or just go right to their.

Speaker 2:

Even your, your, our, watches now have all the device features on them, so you'll go to the toilet and play on your watch, whatever it is, and you're missing the most important time of connection because we're being distracted by our devices. Another great reason to honor thresholds and not have the devices in there.

Speaker 1:

So good, I love that. I love that. So takeaways for you guys is have and set intentional thresholds inside of your home, your workplace, wherever it is, so that when you step into the next area, your wife, your partner, your spouse, your kids are not getting your leftovers.

Speaker 2:

For sure and this comes back to something that we teach is that we protect what we prioritize and we prioritize what we protect. So if you're not being intentional about what's sacred to you and choosing to be mindful of those things, you can't protect these things Right? Nobody, nobody, like I said, nobody wakes up on a given morning and says today I'm going to have an affair, today I'm going to go do something that's going to blow, blow up my family. How that bleeds in is through indifference. So indifference is one of the four. So Dr Gottman is the premier research leader on marriage and relationship in the United States. Has been for decades and he talks about the four horsemen. The first four horsemen is indifference or complacence. So by being