The High Value Man Conversation

Thriving Marriages: Mastering the Seven Rings of Intimacy and Connection

Erin Alejandrino & Josh Lashua Season 3 Episode 20

Ever wondered what it takes to keep a marriage thriving like a well-oiled machine? Imagine your relationship as a tandem bike ride, where both partners need to pedal in sync to reach their destination. In this episode, we uncover the fascinating dynamics of marriage, emphasizing the importance of perseverance, restoration, and the unique roles that partners play. You'll gain insights on how true intimacy and vulnerability can bring peace and authenticity to your relationship, plus explore the "seven rings of marriage" that, like the rings of a tree, illustrate growth and endurance.

We then transition to the critical elements necessary for building a strong and resilient marriage. Establishing core values, having a clear vision for your family, and building confidence through consistent victories are just a few of the key steps we discuss. You'll learn the importance of seeking mentors early on, prioritizing date nights, and surrounding yourselves with like-minded married friends. By navigating through the discovery and persevering rings, we reveal how understanding and committing to each other's true selves can solidify a long-lasting partnership.

Finally, discover how to nurture intimacy and maintain a thriving marriage through continual awareness and action. Beyond the physical connection, we stress the importance of deep conversations and understanding each other's evolving desires. Learn how creating dedicated time for connection, like regular date nights or end-of-day cuddling, can prevent emotional distance. We also highlight the role parents play as mentors to their children and the value of mentoring other couples, ensuring a cycle of strong, supportive relationships. Join us as we provide practical advice and thoughtful questions to foster a successful and lasting marriage.

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Speaker 1:

The whole point of a tandem bike ride is you've got two people pushing, hopefully a matching effort, but at least pushing in the same direction. So, as a man, understand that you're the one with the wheel. You're going to decide where your family goes and, according to God, you're going to be held accountable for the direction you take your family. But what makes a great relationship is when both are peddling together. And so part of restoring some of the beauty that's inside marriage, inside the commitment of knowing Aaron, you're never going to leave me, regardless of who I am, that I can be intimate with you, I can be vulnerable with you, that there is authenticity in who we are, that really brings restoration and peace to an individual and to a marriage. And so, understanding that you're going to, you have to persevere so that you can restore.

Speaker 2:

This is the High Value man Conversation podcast, a show dedicated to the mission of building high value men. One great man means a great family, a great neighborhood, a better city, community state and the world. The question is, if not you, then who? Welcome back to the High Value man Conversation. This is episode 20. The deuce yeah, the deuce, double deuce, and we are talking about, inside the ring, the seven rings of marriage and relationship. For those of you that are not yet married, we're gonna walk you through the seven stages and they're all our rings. You know engagement ring and wedding ring, but there's actually five other rings that you walk through and we're going to give you some how's wise and a good understanding of why you need to pay attention to the ring you're in so that you can advance on to the next round.

Speaker 1:

Yeah, for sure. What I love about this topic is it comes from a book that I recently read, but I wear a wedding ring, as I do, clearly because I'm married, but the thought process behind the ring not just being a tangible on my hand, but it's also seasons that I've lived through, and so each of these are benchmarks that in romantic relationships, specifically marriage, that men and couples will walk through at some point, becoming aware of those and understanding how to navigate them and move through them.

Speaker 2:

Yeah, Before we hop in, there's something you shared with me last time when we were talking about this episode that that was really powerful, really good visual. In regards to the ring, what the ring symbolizes, but in regards to a tree cutting a tree in the center, explain that a little bit.

Speaker 1:

Yeah. So I had the opportunity to be to to speak at a wedding of a dear friend of mine. I was the best man, so I got the mic for a little bit and what I was thinking about the pro, the thought process I'm going to give them is if you were to take a tree of any age and cut it in half, you'd be exposed to the rings inside. Trees have rings. There's a ring that's that's created in every year of a tree's life, and I am not this type of scientist, but what scientists can do is, when they do get eyeballs on the ring is the ring exposes everything that the tree was, was, was seasoned through season, through that year, it can tell if it was heavy rain, if it was drought, the stresses of the wind, everything that tree good or bad experience in that year are revealed in the rings.

Speaker 1:

And so the older that a tree good or bad experienced in that year are revealed in the rings, and so the older that a tree is, the more rings that it has. You can tell the age of its life and then everything it experienced through its life.

Speaker 1:

And I go, man, what beautiful thing is that is that you can actually see the beauty behind the rings and, of course, the older the tree lived, not only the more rings that it had, but the wider it is, and so the wider the trunk is, the more it's able to withstand time and diversity and growth and development.

Speaker 2:

Yeah, the bigger the branch is, the more fruit it's going to provide and more stories it has.

Speaker 1:

Yeah, so you're actually. You're stronger and have a greater ability to live longer by being in the commitment, by being in the marriage, by sticking it out. Research even tells us that, regardless of the scenario of that, couples that choose to stick it out have a higher satisfaction than couples that decide to get divorced and get started over. So sticking it out, getting more rings in, actually determines the longevity of the relationship, but also your significance that you gain from that relationship.

Speaker 2:

Yeah, I love that, and if you guys are listening to this episode so many of the guys that we talked to there I'm going to give you a little hint, a preview of one of the rings. So many guys are in this ring cycle of persevering, like just pushing through, like an endurance race, and then restoring, like fixing some problems that showed up in marriage, and it's this kind of vicious loop, persevering and restoring, persevering, restoring. So many guys I know are like white knuckling it in their business and in their relationship dynamic. What we're going to give you is some insight and understanding so you can break through that and get to the exciting part, which is the prospering stage.

Speaker 1:

Absolutely Prospering and mentoring right, giving back the serving piece of it. And so let's dive into. What we've got here is is we're going to walk through seven rings that are found in marriage, and we'll start with the first one. And the whole point, guys, why we want to do this is you can't manage what you don't see, and so we want to expose these different seasons, these different rings that you're either in or that you're going to be in when you get married. Because knowledge is only potential, aaron, but action is power. So not only do we want to give you knowledge, but we want to give you tangible tools to put to action so that you can get through the season that you're in the ring that you're in, and move on to the next one, cause we want to see every man that is a high value man prosper. It's a whole point of it.

Speaker 1:

So the first one is the engagement ring. The biggest lesson that you're going to learn when you are engaged and you're wearing that engagement ring is that you have to know the purpose of your relationship. You have to know what the purpose is, which means not to just get into a relationship and get engaged because she's hot or there's things about her that you just consume your mind Like you have to have a purpose. You have to begin with the end in mind and then also to learn what marriage is. A lot of people only have and this is statistically because of divorce rates, but most of us get have an understanding of what marriage is not or shouldn't be versus what marriage is designed to be, what that unity is.

Speaker 2:

So the, the engagement ring process, that's a um, uh, it's, it's like your pre-discovery, it's really understanding the person that you're choosing to do life with. There's some great questions inside the book, which we'll reference it in the caption below, but the process that, if you have the intention of only doing it once, like do your discovery process, like really know yourself, know here, get into this, but, just like Josh said, know the purpose of marriage, and so it's a lifelong commitment and the goal with that is to really get to the stage of mentoring where you're helping, serving and leading and leaving a legacy behind.

Speaker 1:

Absolutely. And the engagement ring for um, for people, is exciting, it's new, it's novel. You're getting to do it, start to do life with an individual. You decided, hey, you're my person, I want to spend the rest of my life with you, with an individual. You decided, hey, you're my person, I want to spend the rest of my life with you.

Speaker 1:

And it's it's more based on a feeling versus on a uh, legacy, right? So just, uh, understanding that in the engagement ring you're going to have high amounts of excitement, you're going to have high amounts of fun, and but those aren't, shouldn't be, the focal points. Sure, you should also be looking down the road, um, in the engagement ring. So the things to focus on if you're in the engagement ring season is your friendship, your commitment to one another, understanding that in relationship there is delayed gratification, and you've got to know that. Then also getting into some intimacy and then building a foundation Foundation which we talk about in High Value Men is having your vision and your core values, got to have them. So, again, begin with the end in mind is the foundation point of the engagement ring.

Speaker 2:

That's good, you guys don't know what just happened, but the nest just opened the door to let himself in so they could be in here with the guys. So what are you gonna do? It's the boy hangout.

Speaker 1:

Yep, I love that. Second item is after the engagement ring comes the marriage ring the wedding ring, the wedding ring Yep, and so the wedding ring is is.

Speaker 1:

The overarching lesson here is the commitment. If you are married, you have made a commitment, and a commitment is only made if you do it once. It's a decision that you make one time and you don't go back on that. It's the whole point of a commitment, and so something that the book reference that I really like is that the first six to nine months in a marriage is a lot like wet cement. When you pour wet cement, I don't know if any of you guys have ever done this before but when you were a kid, put your handprint in it write in it things like that is it's malleable, but once it dries it stays that way.

Speaker 1:

So to understand the first six to nine months of your marriage is that it is much like wet cement, because how you are, how you're showing up, how you're doing your romance is setting the tone, the tone for the whole relationship.

Speaker 2:

Exactly, it's hard to fix problems that you allow to cement in that first six months.

Speaker 1:

It's a lot more tedious. It takes a lot more effort to bust out a sidewalk and replace it than just to smooth it over when it's wet in the first place.

Speaker 2:

Right and so the tools that Josh referenced are the tools that we teach inside of HVM, and this is critical if you are in that engagement. Wedding season is to have your core values, have your vision for your family, build your confidence in your competence by stacking consistent victories, having family meetings, like having a template and model, so that when you get into the season of marriage, it's like running an operating business rather than trying to figure it out as you go.

Speaker 1:

For sure, which is why you need to cover these items in the marriage phase, if not right before the marriage phase. Is that's the goals for your marriage, the purpose for your marriage? It's not just because I dig you in yoga pants. It has to be much more than that. What's the purpose of your marriage? Also, to bring in in the early stages. It is wise to bring in mentors. Don't wait until it's too late or there's been conflict. I hate this statistic, but I'll give it is that the average couple in distress waits seven years before they seek mentorship or counseling.

Speaker 1:

No wonder the divorce rate's so high. If you're in the early marriage stage or you're looking to get married, bring in mentors early so you can have their influence, their direction. Don't be the normal couple that waits seven years. It's very difficult and you're gonna beat yourself up. Prioritizing date nights this sets the tone for your marriage. You dated a lot when you were dating, probably dated a lot when you're engaged. That can't end when you get married. If anything, you've got to ratchet it up right. So focusing on date nights, also having eyeballs for other married friends that are in the same season as you this isn't a mentorship. This is more like we need friends that have what we want, that are going the same direction we're going in, so that you and I are married and still want to hang out with our single friends.

Speaker 2:

That's a really good point. You know, if you are married and you still have a group of guys that are your barstool buddies and they're single, they're out there partying, hitting Vegas trips and that's your tribe, you are going to cause more problems in your relationship because you're not moving in direction with your tribe?

Speaker 1:

Yeah for sure. And you'll also pay the price with your spouse of choosing that group over your spouse, because you'll be doing that, not a conflict you want to have. And then also, just overall, prioritizing your marriage early over your work, over your personal goals, over the things in your life that are previously important to you Not that those things can't be important. Your marriage just has to come first and you have to start practicing that early. That's good after. So this is ring number three. It's the discover ring.

Speaker 2:

So the and just that. You guys are picking up on this already, but the first two rings engagement ring and the wedding ring those are physical symbols of the commitment that you made at the next five. Um, these are our processes that you're going to be going through inside of your marriage and you'll be going through them at different seasons depending on where you are. Um, but they're not a physical ring, but it's actual process.

Speaker 1:

Absolute process. These are seasons that people are going to walk through. So the third ring that you're going to have to wear is your discover ring. So discovering is very difficult for most people, because research now tells us that who we are as adults is developed before the age of seven. So this is why, in some of our parenting podcasts you talk about, we talk about why it's so intricately important to be highly involved, highly aware and highly present in your children's life. Between birth and seven, because their brain is developing so fast forward into adults is once you're in relationship and you're married and you're now discovering this other individual is. You're also discovering yourself and you have to make space for that seek to understand one another that we are. We are same team as.

Speaker 1:

Britt and I have coined right. We want to be one body, we want to come to understand one another and that takes a lot of effort to truly discover another individual. Rather than just showing them your Instagram version of you, they now get to see the intimate parts of you. You're discovering one another. So, again, seek to understand and then also know this is a for young folks out there. This was a place of contingency in my marriage and I'm sure in every marriage because of I've experienced this with coaching is that what drew you to one another in the beginning will become a place of contention at some point. So what you liked in that individual will at some point annoy you or drive you nuts.

Speaker 1:

Just be aware of that, and this is your opportunity to respond to them versus react to them. That's a masculine quality that we have to grasp as men in the discovering phase. That's good Love that. Ring number four is persevering. Men do a lot. Do a lot of this in relationship, but it doesn't always serve us so well.

Speaker 2:

This is the you know so many guys will reference almost from like a meme perspective, that their wife has just beaten them up, that they feel like they are just fighting through the marriage, they are being nagged, just being beaten up in the relationship and this is such an important point because on the other end of it is the opportunity to prosper. But if you stay in this season, this is just probably the tipping point where relationships really start to break down.

Speaker 1:

It's true, it's very true. A big piece of persevering is to take the D word out of your vocabulary altogether. Never mentioned the word divorce. Literally throw it out the window and never speak it from your tongue again, especially because in in my experience with marriage coaching is that the word divorce is simply used for leverage. It's used in as a negotiation tool. It's used as like I've got the knife and I'll stab you with it. So you've got to throw it out the window because once once it's on the table, it then becomes an option. Once it's an option, it's likely to be picked up. Sure. So removing the D word and again going back to you're going to hear this several times, but beginning with the with the end in mind. So whole point of persevering is we're life happens to all of us right. You're going to experience difficulties. You're going to experience financial ups and downs, maybe even health issues, difficulties in relationship, navigating two families right, we've both, you know, parents and siblings, and friends.

Speaker 2:

Oh yeah, that's the whole other side of it, yeah.

Speaker 1:

You've got to persevere through those things and part of that persevering is always choosing your spouse first, right? The Bible talks about leaving your mother and father and cleaving to your spouse, and you've got to understand what that looks like putting them first above all others. A big area that helps couples in this space, this season, this persevering, is leaning on their foundation. If you have one, goes back to the wedding ring, goes back to the wedding ring, yeah, even goes back to the engagement ring. If you did it right, it's having a great foundation. And, again, always prioritizing your spouse. If you prioritize yourself, you're more focused on self-preservation than you are on same team. Preservation, right. So always preserving and working towards the nurturing of your relationship.

Speaker 1:

This, a big spot here, is to prepare for storms, right. If you really intend to be married for 50, 60, 70 years, you will encounter storms. Life will continue to happen, regardless of how good you think you are. But how do you prepare for a storm, aaron? You do it by being proactive, by having great communication, by getting your head out of your tail and thinking, oh, that'll never happen to us, and at least having the conversation ahead of time so that you can show up on the same team, not if, but when those circumstances happen.

Speaker 2:

This almost leans into also the discovering phase, as you guys are getting to know each other. Like asking those really hard questions which should happen way before you get married. But the questions of how you're going to do finances, raise the kids, deal with in-laws, deal with problems. You know, that's the important piece is, once you truly know somebody, have that intimate relationship, it allows the persevering to happen much more naturally.

Speaker 1:

Yeah, for sure, and with some success, with some success, good. So, and then the next ring that we have is the restoring. Again, we all bring our own stuff into a relationship, regardless of how wonderfully you were raised or how not wonderfully you were raised. Who you are has flaws, and so part of restoring some of the beauty that's inside marriage, inside the commitment of knowing Aaron, you're never going to leave me, regardless of who I am, that I can be intimate with you, I can be vulnerable with you, that there is authenticity in who we are that can really brings restoration and peace to an individual and to a marriage.

Speaker 1:

And so, understanding that you're going to, you have to persevere so that you can restore. So we're going to talk about a couple of these rings there, and talked about the first two rings are tangible, but these other rings are seasons, which means seasons are cyclical. You're going to go through these for the rest of your marriage. So understand that, persevering you're going to discover yourself. You're going to continue to need to persevere through things so that you can restore things. And so, just being very consciously aware that these are seasons that evolve, but you've got to be also the masculine man that shows up with consistency.

Speaker 2:

Yeah, I think the restoring phase and I just I see this in coaching my guys is that I feel like it's going to happen only once, right, and so maybe they got out of the doghouse, been on a good behavior, they're running the program as it's designed, they're in counseling and they think that that's going to be the end of the restoration phase. But the restoration phase is just as Josh said, it's cyclical and it's something you're going to need to do for the rest of your life, cause there's always the human element. We're going to be breaking down, bickering, fighting, having conflict, and if you're not constantly focusing on the restoration, you miss out on the beauty of actually prospering.

Speaker 1:

So true. One of the big keys of restoring Aaron is being aware that you're not being aware of, and conscious, to not steal your time and your presence from your spouse. Go deeper on that, so to not steal it. We all we all are in the marketplace. We're all doing something to produce, so we'll call that work right. We do something, so we're doing some sort of work. We all likely have personal goals, whether they're physical or like there's a Ferrari that I want or a wake boat that I want, or a new house that I want. We've all got these goals.

Speaker 1:

But in the, in the, in the pursuit of those things, our focus, our attention, our action, all can go through those things, and what we're doing is we're actually putting our spouse and our family on the back burner. Not that those things are bad, but you've just got to have some sort of order in your life where your spouse always comes first. There are many billionaires that have accomplished great successes in their life and they end up single with all their stuff, and even some of them commit suicide, and so you can go and look at that stuff that you're chasing is not going to bring you the significance or the longevity of significance that you think it'll bring you. It really is all founded in your family, and so to see those, so that you don't get to the end of your life and have nothing but regret. Be focused on your family. So quit stealing from your spouse, your family. What does that look like? It looks like early on, start going to marriage treats, bring in mentoring and counsel Again, keeping date nights a priority.

Speaker 1:

Lots of romance which is non-sexual, touches, eight second kisses, which you talked about pursuing one another on a high, high level, like you did. When you're dating again, that never goes away. That gets ratcheted up. If you want to be successful, it's good. So restoring is a big piece. And then, once you have mastered your restoring, you get to move on into your prosper ring, which is what we all want. You know that's what we all want.

Speaker 1:

The point we get into relationship is I want to do my life, but I want to do it with you, um, and I want to. I want to prosper in those things. So there's a great story. There's a great analogy in the book that talks about tandem bike riding. Have you ever done that? I have not. I've done it once and it, uh, it worked out. Okay, I think I only fell over a couple of times. The whole point of a tandem bike ride is you've got two people pushing um, hopefully matching effort, but at least pushing in the same direction. So, as the man understand that, you're the one with the wheel, you're going to decide where your family goes and, according to God, you're going to be held accountable for the direction you take your family. But what makes a great relationship is when both are peddling together.

Speaker 1:

But what makes a great relationship is when both are pedaling together. It doesn't mean you have to be this whole 50-50s out the window, it's a 100-100, right. So making up where the other one lacks. So tandem bike riding. And the beauty behind prospering is you'll know you're prospering when you can swallow this and reproduce. It Is that we teach what we know, but we recreate who we are. That's good. So we teach what we know, but we recreate who we are. That's good. So we teach what we know, but we recreate who we are. So you've got to be focused on the who that you are if you want to prosper. That's good.

Speaker 2:

So I think a fruit of the prospering stage is if you've got great kids and other people are complimenting you on your great kids, awesome behavior. They are pursuing God. They're you know, gentlemen, they're just, they're just all around. Good humans Like that is a great example that you are in a prospering season because you weathered the storm to discovering, persevering and restoring.

Speaker 1:

The kids have seen that and the lessons of who you are showing up in the template of the children that you have For sure, and some great tools to make sure you're prospering again is to serve one another, to be serving your spouse selflessly, doing the things that you don't want to do simply out of love, is a big one serving, and it's it's it's intricate pursuing your spouse. Pursuing is two things it's awareness and action being aware of her as she develops over time and her not only desires, but how she thinks and the things that she wants continue to evolve as you've got to know those things, which means you've got to continue to date your spouse. Get to know them and put action behind it. There's got to be intimacy in a relationship.

Speaker 1:

Intimacy is not just sex. Intimacy is the knowing of one another, to know one another in depth. Having depth in your conversations right, so actually being able to talk about things outside of just your finances and your kids and what's going wrong. Having depth in conversation is again comes back to the knowing part, the intimacy. And, of course, great connection is creating time in your calendar, because we all have busy calendars where you're connecting. That can be date nights. That can be for Britt and I. We have a vow in our relationship that we never give each other leftovers, so regardless of how the day goes, and with two kiddos in the house, our schedules have been ramped up, but the last 30 minutes of our day are spent together, pretzeling as I call it. But cuddling in conversation, just being close to one another, is a great part of connection, and you've got to find space for that, because if you don't find space for that, your spouse will find it somewhere and that lands on you.

Speaker 1:

So you have to be highly aware of that, and I love that you mentioned children. So the children are designed to be our first disciples. They're designed to be our first disciples, and a great picture of a good parent is a parent who's not an authoritarian, but a parent who lives in a life that their children want to emulate. So if your children want to get in your draft and they're going to become who you are not what you say your children will become who you are is that it's a great opportunity for us to create disciples. And if your children are wonderful, then you're likely doing some things right in your life. If your children are tyrants, either they're boys and they're between the age of four and six, or they've replicated who their parents are Once. So a great, another great segue, but heading into the last ring.

Speaker 1:

Last ring is mentoring. But if you're prospering in your marriage, other couples will be drawn to you. You have what they want. They'll want to come visit you. They'll ask you for coffee. Hey, can we go to dinner? It's a great picture of if you're prospering in your marriage and that moves you into our seventh ring. The seventh ring is mentoring, right? So again, going back to what I said earlier is we teach what we understand, but we recreate who we are. So one of the beauties that we can do as couples is to mentor other couples, bring other couples up into what we've experienced, help them cross bridges they're having difficulties with, walk them through our own victories and also, in transparency, expose them to the things you've walked through. There's no couple out there that hasn't had massive circumstance happen in their life, and so to expose those things to bring hope is a great way to bring one another closer is to mentor other couples yeah, so good, and it just.

Speaker 2:

It is a a beautiful cycle or a beautiful ring that helps people in the early stages the engagement on the wedding ring and giving the wisdom that you have learned, more often than not the hard way for sure.

Speaker 1:

and, uh, we'll throw this last part on the mentoring, because it is a mentorship that you probably don't think about is you're mentoring your children on what marriage looks like?

Speaker 2:

Yeah.

Speaker 1:

You have the opportunity to show them what a marriage shouldn't look like, or you have the opportunity to show them what a marriage can look like it's okay.

Speaker 1:

And so the single greatest thing a father can do for their children is to love their mother well, which means love their mother first. Love them over your work, love them over your toys, love them. Love the spouse, your wife, over even your children. Aaron and I were talking offline before this, and this is one example of several, but I have a five-year-old little girl that, when Britt and I are hugging on each other and being close and giving lots of long kisses typically will happen kind of in the kitchen area is my daughter Talia wants to get in between us or she wants to be a part of it. And here's mommy. Daddy, I want to be with you. She want to climb up my arms and I'll literally tell her no, I'm loving on mommy right now and I kind of have to push her back just a little bit. But as she steps back, love on mom in her. That creates security, gives her a sense of knowing um the idea of what to look for a template of what marriage ought to look like.

Speaker 1:

It's tender, it draws close to one another, it's present, it's protected it's very protected. So that's one scenario of many that we can create as a mentorship, because you're mentoring your children whether you know it or not.

Speaker 2:

It's good, so powerful it's and it's uh. You know we talked about this a lot, but you're either going to do it intentionally by following these steps, taking the guidance, getting inside of a group that will challenge your current perspective, reading the books, listening to the podcast and doing the work. You're going to either do it intentionally and leave an imprint on your kids, or you're going to do it accidentally and wonder why she opens an OnlyFans account when she's 20.

Speaker 1:

Goodness, that took a hard left why she opens an OnlyFans account when she's 20. Goodness that took a hard left, but it's absolutely true.

Speaker 2:

It's true, I think it's absolutely true. We're, you know, just to sidebar on this, you know we're in a time where you know the jokes about daddy issues and stripper pulls and all that that I think we grew up on in some capacity and looking for that red flag is like. That season of men is now raising the daughters and the lack of intentionality is going to create that template for her to fall into, and so it's either you choose to man up, sack up and be an intentional father and husband, or the outcome is she's going to have an account that's going to follow her around for the rest of her life Seeking significance from other men that she doesn't know.

Speaker 1:

So great. Some great tools we can use, and there's just a couple of them, just to keep it simple. But when we've, as men, it's up to us to continually take stock of where we are in our relationship and what season or what ring our relationship is in. If you live life by default life just happens to you You'll always be a victim. If you want to take back the authority and the power in your relationship, take stock of it, right. You can't manage what you don't see, so you have to understand where you are. And then also being highly aware of your time and your effort, right. If you give it all the marketplace, that everything else in your life gets leftovers, including your spouse and your children, which is where that comment comes from. So being highly aware of those things and adjusting your life so that it truly reflects your priorities. You, you can tell me your family is a priority, but if you're never home, or when you are home you're glued to the TV, then it's not a priority of yours.

Speaker 1:

So in 20 years, when your children are a mess and their relationships are a mess and everyone's brokenhearted, it all came back to decisions you're making today. You have to own those. You have to own them. You're either going to have the. You're either going to have the pain of making a decision now or the pain of regret later and again. The thing I talk about often is the most difficult season that I could ever see a man walk through is the season of retro-parenting their kiddos. It's unbelievably difficult and it takes 10 times as long to repair than if you just did it in the beginning. So good, here's a fun part for Aaron. We went through and we created some. We got some questions. So one question based upon each of the seven rings to ask your spouse if you're man enough because some of these are deep.

Speaker 1:

So what? You'll go ahead.

Speaker 2:

No, I was gonna say. You know, these are the questions that will will put you on the narrow path, put you on the path to having a relationship that is going to prosper and have the ability to leave a powerful legacy and mentor others. It's the avoidance of these kinds of questions that puts you into default mode. The default mode is going to, if it doesn't lead to divorce, it will lead to all kinds of other destructions through the legacy that you leave behind For sure.

Speaker 1:

And if, again, if you're man enough to ask the question, be man enough to not be offended, be man enough to put action to it, be man enough to change. If you're unwilling to change, then you've already decided your outcome. So these are questions, again, to ask your spouse, on a scale of one to five, one being agree, I'm sorry, one being disagree, five being agree. So on a one to five scale, question one is I'm not sure what marriage is really about.

Speaker 2:

So this is in the engagement rings stage. So if you're in the engagement stage, you're dating, moving towards marriage, asking your partner I'm not really sure what marriage is all about and clearly defining what the core values of marriage is. That commitment looks like how you're going to handle all the ish that is going to come up down the road and then asking your spouse one to five. Do you agree with this statement or do you disagree with the statement? Right, I'm getting on the same page.

Speaker 1:

Begin with the end in mind, here's your chance. Number two I'm not 100% comfortable sharing everything.

Speaker 2:

Ooh. So you're now into into the wedding ring stage. You have made a commitment for life, you've got the ring on the finger, you had the big wedding and now you're getting into the season of marriage. But there's still some things that you're not fully comfortable sharing, and so this is gonna lead directly into the discovering phase. But if there are things you're holding back from your person that you said you're gonna do life with, and not being fully transparent, vulnerable, open and honest, what problems will that create down the road?

Speaker 1:

For sure you can't. You can't have what you're withholding, or what you're withholding you can't have. So if you want intimacy, this is a way to do it. I'm not 100% comfortable sharing everything. One to five ask the question, see what you get back. It's good. Number three or question three I never knew how many issues I had or how selfish I could be.

Speaker 2:

So good. So this is into the discovering stage of the relationship past engagement, past wedding, and you're in the probably first few years of marriage, getting to know your person. Again, this is all cyclical, but the self-awareness that I didn't realize how selfish it was, the issues that I had this is a great indicator for you to get into some type of coaching and counseling, to get somebody inside of your draft that can give you insight into your blind spots. You know your blind spots are your blind spots but you can't see them. But when you have the right people in your life, the mentorships, the right relationships, other marriages that are doing life the right way, it gives you insights that you might not be doing everything the way you should.

Speaker 1:

Yes, here's a here's a hard question for most people, so I hope you have the guns to ask it. I feel so alone and in our marriage, even when we're together, agree or disagree. That's a tough one that is a tough one.

Speaker 2:

Yeah.

Speaker 1:

Because you may be surprised at the answer you get. Yep.

Speaker 2:

And so that's into the persevering stage. And if, um, if either one of you answers agree to that statement, that is a massive indicator that you need to get into some type of help. Yes, you do get in some relationship coaching, probably long before that.

Speaker 1:

Yep, don't wait seven years. Question five I have no idea how we allowed ourselves to get here, but we have to fix it, yeah.

Speaker 2:

Or I'd say that, like the second part of that sentence as a possibility is I know I have no idea how we allowed ourselves to get here and I don't want to be here anymore, like as an alternate, because that happens all the time. I've heard wives, I've heard guys say that exact statement. I have no idea how we got here. Well, it didn't happen overnight. It happened over many, many years of neglect, by not doing the discovering, not having clear communication, not facing conflict head on. So if you're at that point, opportunity for you to pivot the boat.

Speaker 1:

Great Question six If we were to do it all over again, I wouldn't change a thing. Agree or disagree.

Speaker 2:

Yeah, that's beautiful.

Speaker 1:

Are you prospering or not? Yep, all right, this is again taking stock. You've got to understand where you are and not be offended. If you want something different, it will require change and it will require lots of action. So good, question seven it hurts me so deeply when I see other couples struggling in their marriage and get divorced. Agree or disagree, yeah.

Speaker 2:

I think that's a beautiful call to action too is if you are in that season of mentoring and you can answer that question. Both of you wholeheartedly agree. That's a good opportunity for you to be the lighthouse for other couples at different seasons, because they need the wisdom. You knew what it's like to be in the suffering and silence and the struggling, the disconnect, the confrontation, the constant conflict, and so you have an opportunity to step in and be a beacon for others.

Speaker 1:

I love that. So if you're, if you're a man that's listening to this podcast and you say, hey, listen, I'm in one of these rings where there's the engagement ring, the marriage ring you're discovering, prospering, restoring, or you want to get into the mentor ring, but you don't know what the next steps are. You don't know what conversations to have. It's a great opportunity If you get into our free, high value man community. We have men who want to run in the same direction of you. We all want these same things in our marriage. We want to get to the prospering, we want to get to the mentoring, but these are cyclical. Come and join us in the free community and see what you don't get from it.

Speaker 2:

Yeah, and then shoot us a DM. We want to know where you're at. Have a conversation. You're not alone on an Island trying to figure it out by yourself. You know our entire mission is to help build healthy families and high value men high value men as leader in his faith, fitness, family, finances and you become a high value man. This is, this is the secret by spending time with other men. That is just that. That's the truth behind it. You need other guys to calibrate you, to call you forward, call you out and be the support and accountability. So if you're suffering, struggle in silence and if your relationship is not where you want it to be or you see a great example of a really awesome marriage that you want to have, get inside the circle. It's as simple, simple as that. That's how it's done.

Speaker 1:

We want you there with us.

Speaker 2:

Love it. The seven rings of marriage and the one ring to conquer them all. Love it. That's my Lord of the Rings nerd reference. In this. We were talking about rings, but the uh, the seven rings engagement, wedding, discovering, persevering, restoring, prospering and mentoring. Do the yourself a solid favor and ask the question, depending on what stage you're at, and with that insight, with that understanding, take the action necessary to progress along along the process. Yep, we're with you. See you next time. Boom, much love, many blessings. Talk to you guys.

Speaker 1:

We're off the podcast. Get back to the fucking mental lab.