The High Value Man Conversation
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Hosted By:
Erin Alejandrino & Josh Lashua
The High Value Man Conversation
How You Can Create Success Through Momentum In Your Life As A Man
What if the key to unlocking your full potential lies in breaking free from the comforts that hold you back? Join us as we uncover the journey of abandoning pacifying habits and embracing a life filled with purpose and achievement. This compelling episode stresses the necessity for men to develop a clear vision and set actionable, short-term goals to combat complacency and foster a sense of accomplishment. We dissect the concept of "pacifying behaviors"—those comfort-driven habits that stifle potential—and offer practical advice on how to surround yourself with a community of accountable and supportive men who will help you rise above mediocrity.
Our conversation doesn't stop there; we delve into the dangers of "cheap dopamine" and the pitfalls of modern instant gratification, revealing how these distractions can erode your responsibilities and relationships. The episode draws a clear line between dreams and goals, emphasizing actionable steps to achieve true fulfillment. We critique the overindulgence in seemingly purposeful activities and highlight the importance of taking decisive action towards meaningful growth. Tune in to discover the three essential steps to success: developing a vision, taking proactive steps, and building a strong support system. Don't miss out on these invaluable insights that could transform your journey from complacency to genuine growth and satisfaction.
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And this comes down to something even deeper is men have a need to compete. Most men write that off, which is why sports is so attractive. Someone else is putting in the work, someone else is actually winning, pursuing their dream.
Speaker 1:If you can't have a 10-year vision or a 5-year vision or a 1-year vision, why don't you have like a 3-month vision? So often men discount what they can accomplish in a day, right, because we go oh, a year from now, 30 pounds lighter, that sounds really hard to me. Okay, we'll break that down into three months or even a day. What can you do today? So have a vision for yourself. You've got to have benchmarks that you can check off as you get there. Plus, it feels good, it creates wins.
Speaker 2:And I think probably the third piece of this is stop trying to do it alone. If you are stuck on the binky and the pacifier and you recognize you're there, surround yourself with a type of men that will be intrusively accountable in your life, that you give permission to, that you're intimate with, that you're close with, that will challenge and confront you and support you through healthy community. This is the High Value man Conversation Podcast, a show dedicated to the mission of building high value men. One great man means a great family, a great neighborhood, a better city, community state and the world. The question is if not you, then who? Welcome back to the High Value man Conversation. This is episode 24 and it is lovingly titled Are you a Grown man with a Pacifier?
Speaker 1:I just want to throw up You're saying that title, yeah it's gross.
Speaker 2:It's gross, but it's, it's. Uh, it's something that has to be talked about, because there are pacifying behaviors that so many men do, because they are choosing an infantile mindset rather than take action. Be decisive and be the high value man For sure.
Speaker 1:And this is a topic that we have to cover, because men, men, we just we don't, we don't always see clearly in our own circumstances. And so pacifiers in in, just to think, just to think about what that means in our life is they're designed to reduce us to a submissive state. So a pacifier reduces us to a submissive state, and what we do is we allow the pacifier to steal our stare from what we say is most important, from what we say. And so I'm in a season Aaron, you know this where I've got a two month old little boy and he basically lives his life going from the nipple to the pacifier.
Speaker 1:And as a parent, right now, when we get outside the house, we're traveling, we got him in the car. You do not leave the house without the pacifier. And as a parent, right now, when we get outside the house, we're traveling, we got him in the car. You do not leave the house without the pacifier because he'll lose his mind, he'll go in an emotional state. He's got to have something that's occupying him, whether it's the sustenance from mom or whether it's just the little rubble, nipple, rubber, nipple that's in his mouth that he's just sucking on. He's getting nothing from it, but it's just occupying his time. It's good.
Speaker 2:Helps to soothe him yeah, soothes him, that's good. A rubber plastic nipple for a baby to suck on, that provides no sustenance.
Speaker 1:Yeah. And so we can grow up, we can go to college, we can get a career, buy a house, grow a beard and call ourselves a man. Yet if we look at our lives, where are we still turning to the pacifier and our emotional state for the sense of soothing, rather than going to the source and rather than being significant with our life. That's where I want to spend time with us today.
Speaker 2:Love it. So I know we got a long list of what that pacifying life looks like, but it kicks off.
Speaker 1:For the sake of it, let's just. Let's just have a little personal, inner, interpersonal demonstration of close your eyes If you're driving, you'll be fine. Close your eyes, um, and think of yourself in the mirror, of what you look like with a pacifier in your mouth and not just in your mouth like the one that you're sucking on. So it's moving around a little bit and you're just having a field day sucking on a pacifier and and think about how ridiculous that is, think about how infantile that looks and how immature that is, and it's really easy to kind of look at that and laugh at it and go, okay, like what's the point?
Speaker 1:Josh Is, as men and we do lots of life with lots of really great men, but men in general have pacifiers that we're turning to on a daily basis. That has no sustenance to it, no purpose for us and it's literally stealing our time. So you and I know we've talked about it, but one of my favorite, one of my favorite things to tell men is time is the only currency you will ever get, because it's finite.
Speaker 1:And as we get later in our life, most men don't realize this until they're in their fifties, and then they decide to take themselves seriously. So what that means is, regardless of what season you're in, regardless of your circumstances, your relation status, whatever it may be, you have to stop and realize that you've probably got several pacifiers that you're turning to every single day that is sabotaging you in your own life. To live a life that's fulfilling, sustainable, that brings you joy, pride, makes you feel strong, brings you joy, pride makes you feel strong. So let's, let's uh, let's unearth some of those a day so that I can do with you men what I do with my children of when it's time to get off the binky.
Speaker 2:You cut the nipple off and at that point it's no longer, uh, no longer pleasant experience get off the milk, get out of the meat, my friends. Time to man up. The time to man up, um, so easiest one that comes to mind I think a lot of guys defend is sports, right, and so you think about the four, five, seven hours during playoff season your favorite team is playing that you don't own, by the way that you're sitting observing, watching and cheering, and what are you actually doing?
Speaker 1:you're pacifying yeah, for sure. And this this comes down to something even deeper is men have a need to compete.
Speaker 1:It's an intricate thing in who we are as men, we need to compete to be part of something where we challenge ourself, come to the end of ourself and can have pride when we can overcome parts of ourself. Most men write that off, which is why sports is so attractive. Someone else is putting in the work, someone else is actually winning, pursuing their dreams. But if you say, oh, that's our team, my team, they did this, they did that, we got this person, we picked up this person in the draft, no, you stinking didn't. They did. But your need to compete is so high and you're so pacified with your binky of just watching the television. You think you're a part of the organization. It's good You're not. You're literally wasting away the time that you'll never get back in your life, ignoring your family, your responsibilities, your body, uh, the gift of presence you're taking away, you're stealing from others and you're literally sitting there being a lump on a log, wasting away your life because you think your team needs your support. Much like a baby with a binky, exactly.
Speaker 2:Yeah, on that same vein, watching TV, netflix, binging, you know, turning on the news, over-consuming any type of media, just sitting there being a lump on a log. We've got video games and I slightly challenge this one. If you are a professional video gamer and it is your livelihood and you are streaming, you're building out the channels and you've created, you know, an income out because we see these, these young kids, creating like great communities around the video games. If that's you great, this does not apply to you, but for the mass majority you're talking to point zero, zero, zero, one percent of the community.
Speaker 1:So yeah we're likely not. You know, it's a different community. Sure, If it's not your livelihood, we're talking to you.
Speaker 2:Yep and everyone else that is like man. I just want to unwind and play some video games and step into this fantasy world where I can level up my character. Why don't you get up off your ass and level up your own character?
Speaker 1:That's the whole. That's the whole point of the pacifier is what I want to do is I want to get away from my responsibilities? I want to disassociate from the things in my life that I need to do. I just need a breather. I just need a break. No, you're being emotional baby. Own your own, your stuff. Grow up, go do something. That's regardless of how tired you are. No one feels sorry for you. Work harder.
Speaker 2:Yep, amen. I love that. I love that. I I read this meme, a quote, a handful of times. But a man matures and grows up when he realizes that no one else is coming to save him and no one else really cares about him. Like if you don't care about yourself as a priority and put your goals, your vision, what you want, as a primary focus for your life, no one else is going to, no one else is going to come along and say you know what, man, I see so much potential in you, I love you so much. Let me support you, let me be the wind behind your sails and let me do all the work for you. Let me do the work for you.
Speaker 1:How many times has that ever happened? Zero, exactly, yeah All right, what else?
Speaker 1:we got Substances Ooh, drinking, uh-huh, smoking, mm-hmm, sugar, ooh, porn, masturbation all these things in our life that are readily available, that men turn to for the sake of either. So substances are used for two things they're either to suppress feelings or increase or have feelings suppress, repress, or to experience feelings. And so you're turning to drinking, smoking, masturbation, porn, sugar, eating, salt, eating, whatever that snacking may be for you as a way to again disassociate from what you're responsible for, to either feel a feeling or get rid of a feeling. So it's a pacifier. You know, you got your binky in your mouth and you're sucking on it and ignoring the fact that you have things that you need to do to get yourself out of a hole.
Speaker 2:It's good Cheap dopamine. I mean cheap dopamine. It's readily available. You know we are in a instant access time. We're in grub hub. You can have food delivered to your house. You can find a beautiful woman online, but it's all fake. It's not really realized fulfillment.
Speaker 1:It's not, and it'll leave you worse off than when you started. Every single time, amen. Another one is a man without a goal. So there's a difference, aaron, between dreams and goals. I think, as humans, we all have dreams, but until you specify what that is, have a vision attached to it and then put action behind it, you've got nothing more than a dream.
Speaker 1:So most of the men that are dealing with these types of pacifiers in their life have dreams, but that dream doesn't mean enough for them to put action to. It Likely comes down to just what are you afraid of? You're afraid of taking that first step. You're afraid of facing yourself in the mirror. You're afraid of after actually having to overcome parts of yourself, like being authentic with another man or going getting counseling, or having a mentor or a coach or a community around you. It's going to make you feel uncomfortable. So what do you do? Get your pacifier in, go to your food, go to your vices?
Speaker 2:go to your TV isolate. Yeah, it's good.
Speaker 1:Substances.
Speaker 2:Terrible, horrible. Bad Sugar is probably one of the worst ones too, I think it's how many guys justify that Drinking drugs, your barstool buddies One we talked about too, I think, is the garage full of cars and the man cave. That's another one that you may not think of because there might be purpose behind it. But I think overindulgence in anything that disconnects you from your responsibilities is a state of pacification. Yeah.
Speaker 1:And why? Because a man's number one need in life is respect, and when you're in your man cave, when you're away from your responsibilities, when you're not alongside your family, you are literally setting the responsibilities that you've been gifted to steward so that you can have some isolation, you can have some alone time to reset. Essentially, you're just going to go bask in your emotions.
Speaker 2:Good.
Speaker 1:Wimp.
Speaker 2:Exactly the self-proclaimed workaholic is a form of pacification.
Speaker 1:Yeah.
Speaker 2:So you're in the domain that you're used to, you have control over. You are probably also creating what you feel like is some form of sustenance, but it's coming at a cost a cost in regards to your family, your faith, maybe your fitness, and so the self-proclaimed workaholic that is his only identity is typically neglecting some other relationship responsibility.
Speaker 1:Right, there's always a cost, right. Who's paying that cost? Probably your marriage, probably your kids, which is why you don't have a great relationship with them. Let's say the same thing with different words. It'll hit a little bit harder. Is the the man that says um? Um is essentially saying I don't have time for that. Everyone has the same amount of time, but you have not put enough priority, you haven't put enough effort into creating this true goal in your life that you can just write it off. So if you're the guy that says, oh, I don't have enough time or I work too much, no, that's because your significance is based in those things, or you're just simply pacifying yourself to to make space for not having to do something else. I get your bottom in the gym. Go read a book. Go date your wife. Go roll around and play. Play with your kids on the floor, that's good. Go break a sweat. Whatever it is, you have time.
Speaker 2:Yeah.
Speaker 1:You just choose not to. That's good. That's a pacifier. Spit it out.
Speaker 2:So the to summarize all this a a form of pacification. That binky in your mouth is anything that reduces you to a submissive state. It's powerful.
Speaker 1:Yeah, and I just keep thinking to myself in the mirror of the pacifier. I'm being grossed out. Yeah, it's gross.
Speaker 2:Maybe we can create some graphic visuals. An editor can put something on just a grown man with a binky and a diaper.
Speaker 1:There's an old movie the original Roger rabbit.
Speaker 2:Okay.
Speaker 1:Where one of the characters was a baby, but when, when the set breaks, he actually has a grown man, he goes off, smokes a cigar. I'm going. Yeah, that's probably who we're talking to.
Speaker 2:Yeah, that's good, all right. Own man, he goes off, smokes a cigar. I'm going. Yeah, that's probably who we're talking to. Yeah, that's good, all right. So how do we break out of this state of pacification? I think we have jammed them with a knife, turned and twisted it, and they can now visualize themselves as bearded, muscular man with a binky in their mouth and they're like all right, this hits home, it definitely resonates. How do they get out of it? How to get out of being a baby Action.
Speaker 1:Okay, action. So there's multiple things that go along with that One you've got to have we talk about this often You've got to have a vision for your life. You can't, you can't go somewhere if you don't see it first. You're never going to travel without a map. You're never going to create anything if you can't see it. So you've got to have some sort of vision. And if you can't have a 10-year vision or a five-year vision or a one-year vision, why don't you have like a three-month vision? That's good. So often men discount what they can accomplish in a day. Right, because we go oh, a year from now, 30 pounds lighter. That sounds really hard to me. Okay, we'll break that down into three months or even a day. What?
Speaker 2:can you?
Speaker 1:do today. So have a vision for yourself. From the vision we talk about creating goals. You've got to have benchmarks that you can check off as you get there. Plus, it feels good, it creates wins. Start to stack some momentum in your life. I just having a general mission for who you are right. Give some value to what it means to enter your last name. That's good. As a last one. This is who we are right. I've got a vision for that. I've got goals to create that in my family for not just myself but my marriage and my kids, and then putting action to it.
Speaker 2:So good. And I think probably the third piece of this is and we hit this point home so often is stop trying to do it alone. Stop trying to do it alone. Stuck on the binky and the pacifier and you recognize. You're there. Surround yourself with a type of men that will be intrusively accountable in your life that you give permission to, that you're intimate with, that you're close with, that will challenge and confront you and support you through healthy community.
Speaker 1:Love that, and the same essence is because I'm a visual guy is you've got to become the smallest fish in the pond. Yeah, there's so much comfort and pride that comes along when, when you can think highly of yourself I'm the smartest guy, or I make the most money, or I'm the best in the sales team. I'm the most fit in my group. If that's true, then that's not a group that's serving you.
Speaker 2:Yeah.
Speaker 1:Right. If you're the, if you consider yourself the big fish, you've got to get in a place where there are other fish that are bigger than you so that you can get in the draft of other men. That's good, right. That doesn't mean that isn't so. That doesn't mean women, that means men. Get in the draft of another man who's further along than you, that has the family that you want, the finances that you want, that has the peace and fitness in their life that they want, and you've got to get in their draft and do what they do Excellence.
Speaker 1:So Tony Robbins says that success leaves breadcrumbs right get on the right, the right crumb trail, and so you can. You can start to replicate in your life what others have. So you'll have to recreate the wheel, because that's way more difficult. You're going to do that alone that's good.
Speaker 2:And if we, if we go back to that baby in a diaper with a binky in his mouth, you know that baby eventually gets off the milk, gets onto the. And if we truly understand our emotional, physical, spiritual and development as men, our masculine journey, we have to start modeling other men. And so if you are in this baby state as a grown ass man, recognize the way that you mature and grow, is you start spending time with greater men.
Speaker 1:You have to. That's it. You have to. I love that. Something else that you can do today to change the direction of your life and actually cut the tip off that pacifier and throw it away is to choose to do something hard every single day.
Speaker 1:Let's go Give them an example. So, just as a challenge yourself, when you wake up in the morning, roll out of bed and knock out 40 pushups, regardless of how, whether you can think you can finish it or not just do it. Something that Aaron and I do every day is we take ice baths. We sit in discomfort for a lot of amount of time, for the simple sake that we are choosing the purpose of our life over pain. So you choose your purpose over your own pain.
Speaker 1:Getting up early will never be convenient, although I make the most ground in my day when I'm the first one up in my house and I wake up several hours before the rest of my family. You already talked about pursuing another man. That means get a confidant, a friend who can lead you, someone in your inner sphere. Get yourself a coach coach that can help you with your relationship, with your finances and with your body. You've got to have it.
Speaker 1:And then also get yourself a mentor, and this is where a lot of men you can find that in the coaching realm for sure, but a mentor is very difficult for men because the relationship is a 95-5 relationship, as in it requires you to go and pursue this other individual to express to's going to require you to give 95% of the effort to make it happen. It's good. The mentor will just give you 5% back and that 5% is something you can work with to help yourself grow over the next coming weeks and months. But if you think someone's going to come out of the blue, like Aaron's talking about, and say I see so much potential in you, I really want to help you level up potential in you.
Speaker 2:I really want to help you level up. That'll never happen. It'll happen until about the age of 15.
Speaker 1:It's a fair point.
Speaker 2:Yeah, and it's because I think of teachers that believed in me that way, and other coaches I had in my life, and even you know, father figure. But it happens to men up until adolescence and at a certain point, and whether it's the beard on your face or it's the attitude you have, the voice drop. Yeah, the voice drop. But at a certain point in your life men start to recognize you as a man and so you may show up as a man. They're no longer going to want to go out of their way to try and meet you where you're at. They're going to expect you to meet them there. Just meet on the same playing field. And so it doesn't mean you can't bring a mentor in your life at different seasons. But if you haven't had one and you're in that lone, wolf, isolated mindset and you realize that you have just been pacifying your greatness, you need to seek it out. Just adjust it as 95, five.
Speaker 1:Yeah, that's it. It takes. It takes an attitude of I'm not the biggest or smartest and I need to get in the sphere of somebody else who's further along than me and I also need to humble myself. That's good. And get in that man's draft and literally any suggestion that is made by that person, receive it as a command. That's good. So that way you put lots of value behind it and you're willing to put lots of effort to it until you can benchmark and check that that's good.
Speaker 1:Powerful effort to it until you can benchmark and check that. That's good, so powerful. Yeah, we need a baseline to work off of and wisdom from a mentor.
Speaker 2:We'll certainly give that to you, love it. This is a short, brief, powerful conversation, but you should probably listen to it again and if you found yourself disassociating, maybe we triggered you with the idea of a binky in your mouth and a diaper on your butt and being a-.
Speaker 1:We talked about your sports team.
Speaker 2:I'm sorry, yeah, a lump on a log where your wife has become your mommy and you're abdicating leadership. Let this conversation that stimulated some feelings be the point in time where you start taking action. Create vision for your life, do something difficult hard, create goals, be clear with what it is that you said you want and make consistent daily action and surround yourself with a group of guys that will challenge you, support you, help you be competitive and really bring out the best in you.
Speaker 1:I love it. Deep Boom Easy Not simple, no.
Speaker 2:Simple, not easy. Yes, simple, not easy. Three steps Get a vision, take action and surround yourself with great men. Exactly, boom. If you loved this episode, do us a big favor and leave us a five-star review. Leave some comments below. Join our free community on school, the High Value man community. We will provide you some insights, some understanding, some great tools and, more so than anything, we're going to help support you, challenge you and confront that baby inside that is preventing you from living your life of greatness. Yep, much love, many blessings. Talk to you guys soon, boom.
Speaker 1:We're off the podcast.
Speaker 2:Get back to the fucking mental lab.